I hear whispers in my head all day and all night. They tell me the story of my life and how it has been going. They remind me of the memories that I locked away and have forgotten. It’s all coming back to me right now, in this tranquil moment with the music that sings to my heart and spills me feelings all over. I feel good and bad in the same moment. The moment where I feel calm and relaxed and somehow focused. I have to use the time wisely or else I will get bored and want to do something else, so I will just right how my mind works.
Right now I am thinking about my room and how messy it is and how lazy I am to not even bother cleaning it, I want to clean it and feel refreshed but it will waste the time that I could use to watch YouTube or write out anything. For some reason when I write or focus on something, I get really hot. I want to strip down to light clothing but I am busy writing where my mind takes me. If I step away from this computer I will not come back to it until I feel like this again. I have a really strong urge to leave, get up and leave town. I have no money though. I have a urge to drive around and waste my gas because I want to get out of my house and do nothing as well. I really want to stop writing this and try and work on my book. I pulled out my notebook and sat down on my bed thinking that I would be able to write my book but instead I decided to write how my mind processes things. I want to remake the Loot Crate video that I did, but I don’t feel like putting that much effort into it. I want to do so many things but I feel like I have no time. I need to make more mix CD’s for my car and I want to learn more of my Korean songs and Sam Smiths music. I love it all. I want to read more manga and I want to do so many other things.
I want to write something that could be like spoken word poetry. I want to try, heres a thing about my family.
My family works in strange ways, almost as strange as the wind in the sky-how it picks up and drops down in random areas. My family is like that. Random and dysfunctional. I don’t know how it works, my brain is trying to process it all but it can’t. It feels like broken record. I keep feeling all these emotions, anger, sadness, and happiness. I like it but I hate it. I feel like I will feel that no matter where I go.
See, I totally can’t write more than that. I am not in the mood. Right now I want to snap my fingers and get everything done, I want to fast forward my life and see where I end up. I don’t even know why I feel so intimidated by the future right now, it is probably because I can’t see it really. There are plans that are set out for me but I can’t really see them. I feel lost a lot of the time, but then I don’t. I don’t understand it at all. I want to, I want to get on a path like when I am on my great days where I am so pumped about anything and can see all that I want to see. I want to fuel this excitement myself but no matter how hard I try, I can’t get that feeling alone. I feel so pumped at work, so excited and happy to be in another persons presence. It is probably because of my father and mothers situation, mainly my mother. I sometimes hate relationships with family. These deep ties that can’t be broken. It is unexplainable to why I feel so sad to hear about troublesome things with family. I can’t explain that deep tie, but it is called family and it hurts because personally, my family sucks. Its great, but it sucks how it works. It really does, it sucks so much. I am young woman with so many fucking emotions and I can’t control them and no matter how hard I try something goes wrong everyday, and it ruins everything but if I saw one special person it wouldn’t even matter anymore. Currently, it would be my ex-boyfriend that would make it all better. Just a text or a smile or seeing his face would make me happy as can be. Its the simple pleasures, but he is no where and now I am too.
Earlier I was having flash backs of my childhood and I felt that I could remember absolutely everything that happened. I am replaying it and oh how do I wish I could grow up without having a desire to be in a relationship. I wish I was self-empowered. I am not though and now I am still a bit unhappy since the breakup that I initiated has hit me on Friday… it takes me a couple days for things like that to sink in. I always just block it out and then it comes crashing down.
I hate windows 8 with a passion. Geh, I have to go now. I am tired of writing for right now. A little bit too relaxed and sad at the same time. Let my know what you think of this glimpse into my mind that doesn’t stay on one track.