Through out the day, I find myself sad over small things. I may not have gotten my way in something, or I think about the past, or I think of how sad I am and how no one notices because I am trying to hide it, but I want someone to just know. I don’t want to reach out and ask. That’s my problem. I am so selfish. I am selfish because I don’t want to talk to others about my problems, yet I want them to help me. I won’t accept it though. I think that makes me selfish.
I am unproductive all the time, and I complain about it. I tell others about things that I can fix myself, and it’s annoying. I don’t listen to others either. I wasn’t raised like this. I was raised to care, but I ignored it all. However, in the past, I would think about small things, the sky or the stars, it would make me happy. Small things would make me happy, but then something trivial would tear the smile on my face. Something, say, my internet died. I wouldn’t smile anymore over the beautiful day, I would frown because ‘my life is the internet.’ What else could I be doing? I could workout, read, talk to people. By talking I mean having a meaningful conversation; listening to others and talking about things that may not be important but it is still a conversation. I don’t want to have a conversation of complaints back and forth, which is what I do all the time.
I also do believe in things that I am told. I question a lot of things. Things that don’t need to be questioned.
Anyway. My friend wrote this on Facebook. To me it was a reality check, that a lot of the things I do don’t matter and It’s pointless. It made me realize how many things I complain about, and how lazy I am. How I think about myself and how I stay in my little bubble. But it also made me realize that I care about others and some people actually care about me but I question it.
Everyone will interpret this differently, that was just how It meant to me.
Over the years, since I was a child, I have watched this world turn into something ugly, turn into something I no longer recognize. It is not growing up and seeing from a different perspective, I have a very clear idea on what has happened over the years. How do I know the difference? I have done research, as well as my mother. They are not just conspiracy theories, some of the shit going on is legitamately real, but no one wants to look at it that way. What the fuck do people want to do? Sit around, play games, fiddle around on their phones, taking “selfies”all the fucking time, etc. Over time, true kindness has been been so scarce that now, kindness is taken the wrong way. It is taken as flirting or some people wonder why they are being so nice. Can’t people just be fucking nice without question? No, everybody has to talk about violence, sex, and drugs all the damn time like its the only thing in the world.
Over time, I have tried to remain strong as possible. Even during times I should have been experiencing what kids do. Snce age 11, I have been taking care of myself excluding the reliance of shelter and food given my mother or family members (whom which are not part of my life anymore because they are uncaring assholes).
People have become so damn blind and literal with everything.
It is rare for me to see someone really down and someone asking if they are okay, and not asking because they think its some sideshow freak attraction.
For years, especially in middle school, I needed friends, caring friends, who actually gave a shit other than themselves. I NEEDED this! In 8th grade, I started cutting myself out of self-punishment. Not attention, but because I felt like I truly needed to be punished. And sometimes the pain was good. Sometimes the pain ended up being my best friend, so I could feel something other than hatred for and from people. So I could feel something other than not wanting being wanted by “family” and “friends.”
For a while, I have been alone. Trying to stay strong for myself and my mother, not only for others because I felt like I had to. I have had times I have needed to fall. Times I wanted to rely on someone…
I have watched best/close friends either go crazy or become just like everyone else. I have had people come up to me saying that it was better I was out of their life. Why? Because I was angry and depressed and you didn’t bother to figure out why, and instead just assume I am being a bitch? Fuck you, too.
I am tired of watching everyone I have ever loved, ever cared about, etc turn into blind fucking zombies that government is trying to turn us into. And when something like this, when something no one understands comes up… Oh, its not real! Oh, you are just crazy! Here, take answers from this, this, and this and don’t question anything. Questioning is evil, it’s satanic…. IM DONE WITH THAT. I was raised to question, like how back then EVERYBODY WAS. Now, everybody just reads shit, reads a fucking book that is obviously not true, everybody just takes answers from what the media tells us, and takes it in like fucking water. Takes it literal.
Okay, think about this people: If medication, the “recommended” diet, and everything else is supposed to help us… Why in the fuck, compared to YEARS ago, is sickness to common? Obesity? Heart risk? Etc? Watch old movies from the 80s, the 70s, etc. No one likes it because its weird? Kindness is weird? Oh, but you like watching movies about people getting killed and violence everywhere… yeah, tell me how that helps society.
Everybody thinks things will just be given to them. What is true happiness anymore? The only happiness I see from people is when things go THEIR way. How many people actually go out and help fellow man? Actually go out and appreicate nature? Look at the sky? HONESTLY.
I am done relying on people. I am done wanting people to help me. Yes, I have been independent, but I am done hoping someone is going to be there for me.
I am done having to “tell” people what is wrong. I see these movies and shit talking abot best friends being for each other, but every single time I have needed that, no one does that for me. or when it comes to the point I need someone to listen, they either dont understand, or we get into an argument because its wrapped around and im look at as an enemy for that moment. Again, fuck you.
I love being there for people when they need me, but honestly, I feel used. I have gone out of my way to be there for people sometimes, but when the favor is wanted in return, I get shot down like dirt.
I wish that someone could look into my eyes or at least fucking realize that I am not okay, or even TALK TO ME FOR ONCE, not just about petty bullshit in their fucking life that they could fix themselves. I wish that someone could take my hand and let me cry instead of just holding out their hand and waiting for me to take it. That is not help. Would you take the hand of someone drowning or wait for them to take your hand at the risk of their own life?
Again, I am done with people. DONE. SICK OF IT. SICK of asking for help, SICK of needing help and getting shot down. You want to be a part of my life? Fucking do what you can to be a part of it.
Wonder why I don’t talk to people? I have felt this way for a while but I still try to give people benefit of the doubt.
I am sick of hearing from people about much their life sucks or how nearly how every damn status is saying “blah’ or “this sucks yada yada”… CAN YOU FIND SOMETHING POSITIVE TO SAY? Do you truly have a reason to bitch? Do you have seizures? Do you have mental illness? Are you handicapped? People think that being sick, being different, is being a freak. it isn’t. You know whats even sadder? Those sick people still try to find ways to bring positivity in their life somehow while you fucking people bitch about having to be somewhere, or working, or something. Some people would be fucking GLAD to have what you have!
Again, I am done. I am not talking to anybody. You want to talk to me? Help me? have a good time? You stretch your fucking energy to do it, I am done.
Anybody offended by this? I don’t give a flying SHIT. Wanna delete me? Do it! I don’t care! I am used to people walking about, it wouldn’t be any damn different. I don’t want any comments saying what a bitch I am or something for saying all this, because deep down, you know its fucking true. Open your god damn eyes for once, take a good look around you, and ask yourself.. “Is this truly okay? or is it only okay because it helps me be fucking lazy?!”
I love all my friends, I do. Even after what I have put up from them, but I have been hurting for so long, keeping my strength up for so long, that it is running out. I need my energy for the future. Want to be in my life? Do it. If you don’t, leave. I am so tired of fake friends who act like they will talk to you in all reality they don’t, they want someone to come to them. It doesn’t always work like that. Over the past few weeks, this has really been bothering me and I have decided I am no longer just doing this.
Honestly, I am about ready to just fucking end it. End my damn life. I hate this world and what it has become. Everyone is so god damn mean and blind. Why don’t I? Because i still have hope that things will get better… But I am done asking for help. Done.
Writing a Paige 