Posted in Life


In regards to relationships, you can not expect to get something, if you do not give anything. Does that make sense?
Let me start from the beginning. Right now I am snuggled with my blanket against a wall. I’m super cozy and I know I can’t sleep because I slept all day. My mind is wandering and I am just here. I an not doing anything at all, no YouTube, no Facebook, no Netflix. I am just here. In the moment.
Let’s begin. (This is gonna be a weird one.)
My Sunday normally starts around, 5 o’clock in the morning. But today for some reason I woke up late. I know, I know, you’re probably thinking its the best thing ever, but I woke up late for work. When I was sleeping, I apparently forgot that I had one more day of work.
I sped, who wouldn’t. I got there at 6:10 Not bad for leaving at 5:59. It’s a 25 minute drive.  I’m sorry for speeding. I won’t do it again. I just needed to get there, I can’t afford not to be there. I called and told them I would be 15 to 25 minutes late too.
Mothers day is a busy day at a hotel downtown. I loved it. It kept my mind off of drowsy thoughts. Then I got home. It was 12:20. I was tired. I had a good day and I wanted to sleep. My boyfriend was at work. Time for myself. He worked a double today and probably pulled it all the way through.
I slept all day then went to dinner by myself had two fabulous drinks and a meal. Got home a while later and attempted to sleep but really just laid in bed and now it’s 12:23 am and he still isn’t home. That’s why I’m stuck in some drowsy thoughts guys. Thinking about the negativity and trying to explain it all. How I feel and how I think a relationship should go, not to just benefit me. We need better communication. And I’m struggling to put my thoughts into words. Until the few moments where I got up and grabbed my phone to write this.
Now, what I came up with is compromise. I never really understood what it meant and why it was needed in relationships until now. Because we’re living together and we have shared space, but also because we are two different people coming together with love. We have to give and take to make it work when your comitted. In a committed relationship. How else do you let someone you love do things you don’t like? And vice versa, how can they let you do something that they don’t like. But why even do it. Don’t you want to make the other person happy, so why do things that knowingly make them upset. Discuss the topic. Learn eachothers feelings. Compromise. In a relationship you can’t be completely selfish, nor your partner. Right? Or wrong? Tell me your opinions? This is like a thing I think about a lot. It’s a shadow.

Posted in Life

Washington Bound

I am in Washington mode. I’m going to do all that I can to get a better paying job, while still working at Teavana. I’m going to try to pay off credit card debt and car payments and attempt to save money for my move eventually hopefully 2 years. I would love to be out faster, so I even went as far as to set up a GoFundMe page.
So that happened. The struggle of money is real.

Posted in Life


I’ve been writing everyday, in my notebook, or on my Facebook. I’ve been writing, and sadly it has yet to get on my blog. Today is the day though! I will post the things that I’ve written on Facebook, here, after I write a little back story for me.

For many days, I’ve been dealing with sadness and I’ve always hated some part of myself. I am trying to change that, to become the me without a shit ton of baggage. I understand that everyone gets sad, but I am overly sad. Sad to the point where I don’t want to eat, where I can’t sleep, and all I want to do is lay in bed and surf the web for nothing-hoping that I might drift off into la-la land. Well, I am not letting that happen anymore. I used to be content with staying the same, saying that I want help and all, but never getting it because I didn’t really want to. It was my comfort zone and now it is making me uncomfortable. Life in general is uncomfortable but I am trying to make it my new comfort zone and being depressed doesn’t help me.

I met a lot of amazing people over the labor day weekend, and that kind of opened my eyes. I am more eager to find love, even though I keep getting heartbroken by people who fall for, because I fall fast. I’m picky but when I have an interest in someone, I like to know them and get to know them… Anyway, since I met amazing people at the music festival Bushwak, I decided to change for the better. I am changing my outlook on a lot of things and I am trying to find inner peace more actively. I quit my job because it made me very unhappy and I was stressed out to the max. I became ill all the time, excessively tired and so stressed I didn’t have my period for two months and now it’s back and it hurts. That is the second time where stress from my job caused me to lose my period. I’m over it. I loved working bakery and doing all that, but it got stressful later on when I was still trying to master it. Changes made it harder on me, so I left and instantly, I got relief. The next couple days, I got my monthly and I am happy to say that I will be getting back on track with the pursuit of happiness.

I am pushing myself out there. Looking for love, looking for friendship, expanding my horizons and trying to always say yes. I’m going to change my hair as many times as I want to, dye it every color possible, get piercings, and tattoos. I am going to attempt exploration and eventually, I might be able to feel like I am a 19-year-old. Currently, I feel like every corner I take, I am getting one step closer to death, to an eternity of unhappiness. I feel like I am old and tired and that nothing is possible for me. But I’ve been told by someone that I am young. I am beautiful, and I have so much potential for the world that I can’t even fathom it. I believe it. I believe that I am those things, and I am going to do everything in my weak will power to strengthen it up, to make myself happier and to make a future that I can see.

On that note, here are the posts from Facebook.




That’s all of them so far. If you find me on Facebook, you can add me, I have no problem with that. More friends the merrier, and talk to me! I would like to get to know you!

Posted in Family, Myself, People, Summer, Thoughts, Uncategorized, Writing

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday…

The days blend together like coffee and creamer. They seem to create one long line of my lifespan in which nothing new happens. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Monday though Friday, the same old routine. Wake up later than I should, get to work, work, get off of work and come home. On occasion, I will have a photo shoot to attend to, its rare though. Life has been a mess lately, I feel left out of a lot of things because of my own choices that are the correct ones, I know for a fact. Even though it makes me upset, somewhere in my mind, I don’t care at all.

I’ve learned that I am over-excitable when I am meshed with photography. I get geeky and weird when I notice that I take an amazing photo or that an unexpected photo turns out to be awesome! I get too excited for my own good and I feel like I scare people away. I also adore writing more and more, this post at the moment is written after I wrote another one since WordPress updated and doesn’t automatically save. I lost my words and decided to put it to rest for a day. I was going to write an apology for not being as active, I have been underwater for a while. I discovered that my love of writing/typing exceeded my expectations when I started writing this post. My train of thought blew up when I noticed the blank spaces and I just grabbed onto the fleeting inspiration and started to type about it. This probably doesn’t make very much sense.

I just want to say, that today is a very beautiful day, even though inside of my mind and heart a rain storm was taking place, my physical body was in bliss with the warm sunshine and the gentle breeze in the warm air. The day went by rather slowly and I began to hate myself more and more every few moments. I had a conversation with myself about what I didn’t like, it was more of an argument than a conversation. She would say something that would provoke me to yell inwardly towards her. It was sort of ridiculous, but that is how I try to get myself out of a stump.

I fell over a stump a few days ago and I’ve sunk under the fallen leaves of my happiness. Its been this way for a couple days, how covered I am. I need to focus on things that I love, when I am writing, I feel happy and at bliss. I can properly convey my feelings and thoughts, even though they still get jumbled up. I can’t properly talk, and all I do it spit out words. I am not allowed to think when I speak, I can’t remember exactly what I say, which is why writing is perfect for me. I can remember easier and it makes me feel like I am worth something more and that is a happy feeling. Its just like photography, I am doing something that I love, and it makes me feel like I am someone and that I exist.

I am currently writing many stories all at once, I am figuring out chapter seven of B.O.Y. since I am writing it as I go. It’s hard, I am already at a stump, I don’t want to put too little action and leave it boring, but I also don’t want to shorten the length of this story. I still don’t know where this is going to end up, but I have a shoujo idea in my head. I have too many ideas to comprehend and I need to write them all down before they fade away.

So I went to Wisconsin for the fourth of July weekend, and absolutely loved it. I adored returning home and experiencing the differences in then and now. I was reunited with my childhood friend, Emi. And that was like a scene from a book. In less than two weeks, I am going to Idaho again, to see my grandparents, and I am super excited! I can’t wait to see Idaho and where they live. I feel like going to these two places are going to be my deciding factors of where I am going to be living. I want to move out of Iowa and get a bigger picture. The inspiration is draining here and I feel like I have been here for too long. I am an adult now, and I want to fulfill my dream of experiencing the world. It is going to take a while but I am willing to try.

I have a lot of amazing pictures of my Wisconsin trip, check them out here!

Posted in Life

Reality Check

Through out the day, I find myself sad over small things. I may not have gotten my way in something, or I think about the past, or I think of how sad I am and how no one notices because I am trying to hide it, but I want someone to just know. I don’t want to reach out and ask. That’s my problem. I am so selfish. I am selfish because I don’t want to talk to others about my problems, yet I want them to help me. I won’t accept it though. I think that makes me selfish. 

I am unproductive all the time, and I complain about it. I tell others about things that I can fix myself, and it’s annoying. I don’t listen to others either. I wasn’t raised like this. I was raised to care, but I ignored it all. However, in the past, I would think about small things, the sky or the stars, it would make me happy. Small things would make me happy, but then something trivial would tear the smile on my face. Something, say, my internet died. I wouldn’t smile anymore over the beautiful day, I would frown because ‘my life is the internet.’ What else could I be doing? I could workout, read, talk to people. By talking I mean having a meaningful conversation; listening to others and talking about things that may not be important but it is still a conversation. I don’t want to have a conversation of complaints back and forth, which is what I do all the time.  

I also do believe in things that I am told. I question a lot of things. Things that don’t need to be questioned. 

Anyway. My friend wrote this on Facebook. To me it was a reality check, that a lot of the things I do don’t matter and It’s pointless. It made me realize how many things I complain about, and how lazy I am. How I think about myself and how I stay in my little bubble. But it also made me realize that I care about others and some people actually care about me but I question it. 

Everyone will interpret this differently, that was just how It meant to me.

Over the years, since I was a child, I have watched this world turn into something ugly, turn into something I no longer recognize. It is not growing up and seeing from a different perspective, I have a very clear idea on what has happened over the years. How do I know the difference? I have done research, as well as my mother. They are not just conspiracy theories, some of the shit going on is legitamately real, but no one wants to look at it that way. What the fuck do people want to do? Sit around, play games, fiddle around on their phones, taking “selfies”all the fucking time, etc.  Over time, true kindness has been been so scarce that now, kindness is taken the wrong way. It is taken as flirting or some people wonder why they are being so nice. Can’t people just be fucking nice without question? No, everybody has to talk about violence, sex, and drugs all the damn time like its the only thing in the world.

Over time, I have tried to remain strong as possible. Even during times I should have been experiencing what kids do. Snce age 11, I have been taking care of myself excluding the reliance of shelter and food given my mother or family members (whom which are not part of my life anymore because they are uncaring assholes).  

People have become so damn blind and literal with everything. 

It is rare for me to see someone really down and someone asking if they are okay, and not asking because they think its some sideshow freak attraction. 

For years, especially in middle school, I needed friends, caring friends, who actually gave a shit other than themselves. I NEEDED this! In 8th grade, I started cutting myself out of self-punishment. Not attention, but because I felt like I truly needed to be punished. And sometimes the pain was good. Sometimes the pain ended up being my best friend, so I could feel something other than hatred for and from people. So I could feel something other than not wanting being wanted by “family” and “friends.” 

For a while, I have been alone. Trying to stay strong for myself and my mother, not only for others because I felt like I had to. I have had times I have needed to fall. Times I wanted to rely on someone…

I have watched best/close friends either go crazy or become just like everyone else. I have had people come up to me saying that it was better I was out of their life. Why? Because I was angry and depressed and you didn’t bother to figure out why, and instead just assume I am being a bitch? Fuck you, too.

I am tired of watching everyone I have ever loved, ever cared about, etc turn into blind fucking zombies that government is trying to turn us into. And when something like this, when something no one understands comes up… Oh, its not real! Oh, you are just crazy! Here, take answers from this, this, and this and don’t question anything. Questioning is evil, it’s satanic…. IM DONE WITH THAT. I was raised to question, like how back then EVERYBODY WAS. Now, everybody just reads shit, reads a fucking book that is obviously not true, everybody just takes answers from what the media tells us, and takes it in like fucking water. Takes it literal. 

Okay, think about this people: If medication, the “recommended” diet, and everything else is supposed to help us… Why in the fuck, compared to YEARS ago, is sickness to common? Obesity? Heart risk? Etc? Watch old movies from the 80s, the 70s, etc. No one likes it because its weird? Kindness is weird? Oh, but you like watching movies about people getting killed and violence everywhere… yeah, tell me how that helps society.

Everybody thinks things will just be given to them. What is true happiness anymore? The only happiness I see from people is when things go THEIR way. How many people actually go out and help fellow man? Actually go out and appreicate nature? Look at the sky? HONESTLY.

I am done relying on people. I am done wanting people to help me. Yes, I have been independent, but I am done hoping someone is going to be there for me.

I am done having to “tell” people what is wrong. I see these movies and shit talking abot best friends being for each other, but every single time I have needed that, no one does that for me. or when it comes to the point I need someone to listen, they either dont understand, or we get into an argument because its wrapped around and im look at as an enemy for that moment. Again, fuck you.

I love being there for people when they need me, but honestly, I feel used. I have gone out of my way to be there for people sometimes, but when the favor is wanted in return, I get shot down like dirt.

I wish that someone could look into my eyes or at least fucking realize that I am not okay, or even TALK TO ME FOR ONCE, not just about petty bullshit in their fucking life that they could fix themselves. I wish that someone could take my hand and let me cry instead of just holding out their hand and waiting for me to take it. That is not help. Would you take the hand of someone drowning or wait for them to take your hand at the risk of their own life?

Again, I am done with people. DONE. SICK OF IT. SICK of asking for help, SICK of needing help and getting shot down. You want to be a part of my life? Fucking do what you can to be a part of it.

Wonder why I don’t talk to people? I have felt this way for a while but I still try to give people benefit of the doubt.

I am sick of hearing from people about much their life sucks or how nearly how every damn status is saying “blah’ or “this sucks yada yada”… CAN YOU FIND SOMETHING POSITIVE TO SAY? Do you truly have a reason to bitch? Do you have seizures? Do you have mental illness? Are you handicapped? People think that being sick, being different, is being a freak. it isn’t. You know whats even sadder? Those sick people still try to find ways to bring positivity in their life somehow while you fucking people bitch about having to be somewhere, or working, or something. Some people would be fucking GLAD to have what you have!

Again, I am done. I am not talking to anybody. You want to talk to me? Help me? have a good time? You stretch your fucking energy to do it, I am done.

Anybody offended by this? I don’t give a flying SHIT. Wanna delete me? Do it! I don’t care! I am used to people walking about, it wouldn’t be any damn different. I don’t want any comments saying what a bitch I am or something for saying all this, because deep down, you know its fucking true. Open your god damn eyes for once, take a good look around you, and ask yourself.. “Is this truly okay? or is it only okay because it helps me be fucking lazy?!”

I love all my friends, I do. Even after what I have put up from them, but I have been hurting for so long, keeping my strength up for so long, that it is running out. I need my energy for the future. Want to be in my life? Do it. If you don’t, leave. I am so tired of fake friends who act like they will talk to you in all reality they don’t, they want someone to come to them. It doesn’t always work like that. Over the past few weeks, this has really been bothering me and I have decided I am no longer just doing this. 

Honestly, I am about ready to just fucking end it. End my damn life. I hate this world and what it has become. Everyone is so god damn mean and blind. Why don’t I? Because i still have hope that things will get better…  But I am done asking for help. Done. 

Posted in Life


I went to the ISU Campus in Ames today, we had a trip to the library for our papers. 

My paper is about the Health benefits of Yoga and why people should give it a good try. It’s a persuasive research paper. When I was looking at all the books I found, they were amazing and it made me love yoga even more. My practice tonight was peaceful and calm. I had the strength and I pushed my self a little. I felt amazing, and I felt like I was doing something worth while. 

Anyway, point one of the college library… Cute guys. Point two, peaceful and relaxing-I can get work done and stuff. Point three, I love to people watch, and that was quite entertaining. Going to that campus made me want to go to college there, but I won’t. By the way, the tiers were amazing. The tiers were part of the old building before they added on and when you walked in them, it felt like you were in some horror movie, claustrophobic and all. There were books all around, and the stairs were literally stacked on top of each other, so perfect that you wouldn’t be able to hit your head. I loved it. 

The bus ride home was alright, I slept a bit. Then I got to school, and all was fine until I passed him and got on the bus. I was sad again. When I transferred to the other bus, my thoughts were raging and I cried so hard, my friend Sam comforted me and it made me cry harder because at the time I thought no one would care and then right as that depressing thought came to mind I felt a hand rubbing my back, so I cried harder. I talked it out a bit, avoiding full detail. I got home, procrastinated, and then I did yoga, and more procrastinating. It was a non-productive, emotional day. I’m deleting my twitter. I might delete my Facebook. Get rid of extra distractions. 

Posted in Life



Words (Photo credit: sirwiseowl)


So, on Facebook, I posted at status to my friends;
Tell me your favorite word and I will write a paragraph or so on your wall.
So far, three people have answered that question.




Here are the paragraphs in order.








The world is nothing without the harmony of sound and music in your ears. Life would be bleak if one could not hear the strums of a guitar or the voice of an angel. Music is comfort to the broken, lonely or happy soul. It heals anything and shows a change in everyone. Overtime, if you listen, you can hear music in your everyday life, even if there are no ear buds plugged in.








The cats meow was slowly growing closer and closer till it sounded loudly at the foot of the door. 
“This is worse than everyone being loud and obnoxious at high school, please make it stop.” She mumbles and opens the door. The feline launches in the bed room and hunts for food but there isn’t any. She picks up the cat and drags him outside where is picks at the buzzing moths and the june bugs that hum around the florescent light on the porch. A grass hopper perches on the chair and the cat wiggles and pounces. One by one the legs are ripped off, like a vicious predator attacking its next meal.
“Damn these cats and bugs are annoying. I’m out of here.” She leaves the porch light glowing and the predator munching and pouncing on the porch.








Life long feelings of commitment, of joy, of pain, and sorrow. Mixed emotions can fix one set of eyes on another person. 
“Is this what they call love?” The generalized books always ask this when the main character falls in love. Quite frankly, it is stereotypical and true. Love is full of… emotion; good and bad. It’s a beautiful and dangerous thing. It can throw you across the skies or it can chain you down into the depths of the ocean. Love is impossible to manage and handle. It’s a wry thing, love… What is love? A tale of two people joined together? A look in the eye? Touch of the fingers? Love is unbelievable and sentimental, it is also the most powerful emotion out there.








Oh, so many things I could write about. For example; my school days, working days, emotional days-sad, happy, angry… There are a lot of things I can talk about, but for now… I will work on my homework and then I will type up some stories.




P.S. SEND ME SOME WORDS! I’ll write a paragraph about them and post them!




Posted in Life, Myself, People, Thoughts, Writing

How these days are spent

These snowless days are spent alone, and bo~oring.

My lover is off having the time of his life, and I am very, very happy for him; but you see… I am sitting in my bedroom, basically wasting away. I sit on the computer watching Netflix, occasionally checking Facebook (Which is highly unpopular), Deviantart, and some other miscellaneous websites that I visit frequently.

Today is time for an update!

I decided that today, with my free time, I am going to write/type or meditate. I want to try it. Maybe it can help with my emotional being.

On my calender of this winter break I have written down when I am busy, which is only New Years Eve. Sadly. I still have yet to be paid from work so, I doubt I can throw a New Years Bash like I wanted, but I still hope to see some friends!

So, today, when I was walking home from the gas station, I came up with some lyrics/poetic lines:
“All these tears,
and all these fears.”
Yeah… Something like that, after a good nights rest and an amazing shower tomorrow, I’ll come up with something.

So tomorrow, depending on the weather, I might go for a walk. I never do that but, I am feeling lazy without my lover boy around. He is off skiing down slopes, I am a little jealous, though I am to scared to do that. I’d rather take a garbage can lid and surf down the hills by my house.

Anyway, after X-mas I had a small, okay medium sized blow out with my mother. I actually stood up to her, and then I cried because I have never done that before. It was scary…

And right now, (TOTALLY OFF TOPIC) my man messaged me that he is having fun, and I am completely jealous!! I need to get over it, don’t you think?  And I feel so weird now. Like I am kind of just stopping being how I was. I used to message him all the time and be so whiny, no I just hold everything it. It’s annoying me. I stopped because my clingy-ness was getting overbearing, and it hurt… so I stopped. It’s strange, and I want to stop but, I have done it a lot lately… Plus, I don’t want to risk my relationship.

I’m just strange, don’t mind it. But, please feel free to leave some relationship advice or whatever. It may come in handy.

So also since winter break and my man having fun has been happening, I have been drinking a ton of water, I feel great. I also sometimes forgot to brush, but what can I say. It’s hard to not forget. Especially with forgetful young me.

Well, I am sitting in a very comfy chair, with my legs crossed, and they are starting to hurt. I have to go now.

Happy Holidays!