Writing a Paige

The cool, crisp air creeps into the open windows and chills my skin. I am brought back to my meeting with him, the night he told me the truth. It brought me back to memories of us in the cold of winter. The deep blue, starry sky led me to memories of his lips pressed against mine, his hands along my waist. I remember the feel of his body temperature through our clothing, I remember the way his hair felt between my fingers and his not-so-perfect skin against my fingertips. I remember the way his strong arms could hold me so tight and secure. I close my else and relive all the moments I shared with the love of my life. I sigh is partial sadness and relief.

When I open my eyes again, I stare at the stars; the passing trees catching my focus every few minutes, beautiful and completely mesmerizing. So mesmerizing, in fact, the hard-core music that my father obnoxiously plays is blocked by my thoughts. The way his dull yet bright blond hair smoothly shines in the lighting of his home, and his bright, amazingly bright, icy blue eyes pierce through my entire body, hindering me useless and weak against him. I sigh at the feel of his gentle calloused hands across my skin, across my cheek and down my chin, tracing down and to the back of my neck where his hold steadies. I remember staring into his eyes, though he had glasses, I would melt at the intensity. As I stare into his eyes, I felt the need to be closer, and closer, until I would kiss his full lips and wrap my arms around his neck, drawing him close. I felt the need to be closer, the need to feel his love, and his safety. I close my eyes and relive the heartwarming moments of my greatest and first real relationship. I sigh as the memories fade into the back of my mind, hindering my happiness but also strengthening it.

I rest back into my seat and let the cold wind breathe against my face and whisper through my hair. Ah, memories of him, and us. They used to make me cry, but now… I feel them with a sorrowful joy. It’s… pleasing. I feel that when I will, if I will, love someone then it will feel like this. I close my eyes and envision us dancing on my birthday, our last dance, that didn’t happen. That is the only part that makes me sad. We dance, slowly and steady, and I feel myself sadden at the thought of him leaving but I shake it off, I want to enjoy my fantasy; I feel his heart beat against mine, telling me secret words that won’t be shared with the world again. In my mind, I hug myself and force myself not to cry, so I smile instead. Once again, I sigh. I am confused at my feelings. I have to make a defined point with them, are they sad, happy? Or are the hurt, amused, confused or somber? I feel as though they are a mix, and right now I want him in my arms. Even though I told him those words that I oh-so-dearly regret. I remember the feeling in my gut, when I want to cry, but I hold back. I smile at my memories. I embrace the fact that I keep falling in love with him every minute, I embrace the fact that I am completely and oh so undeniably attracted to everything about him. I, even though it’s hard, also embrace the fact that he is moving, and I have little time left, so I have to do anything I can now to make myself as close to him as possible, even if it means hurting myself in the process, because I know I can get over that, but what I won’t be able to get over is not letting myself do what I want when he is still in my reach. Especially when I know he is leaving, so I feel that I must do everything that I can to be with him.

I must embrace my pain for these moment, I shall embrace it, smile instead of cry… Until later.