I come to my blog as a way to relive some sort of stress, no one has to reply and I know this could all be drama that spills out of my mind, but this blog was an intention to share my life with people who want to read if they please. Right now I am at a stump with writing, so I tell story while I try to become creative again. I apologize for my 18 year old troubles and complaints in this post, these might not be a problem for done but to me it is a big problem and I can’t afford the time and money for s therapist to help me talk about my issues.
I have a lot of insecurities, I have talked about them
before, but today I have been thinking all day about them. I feel like I am afraid of love, afraid of the commitment that tags along with it. Im afraid of being hurt again and I am afraid of being broken. My fear of love battles my fear of loneliness. I am afraid to be alone, I feel like I am destined to be like that too, and it scares me how much I believe in that ‘destiny’ I created.
I think I fall into a false state of love when I say I like someone. I just don’t want to be alone and I will fuse my infatuation and my companionship desires into a false love-like feeling that puts butterflies in my stomach; however, I don’t get that sensation with certain people I think that I like… They don’t make nervous or cause my face to heat up, I think that is a different sensation and I’m sure that is not love so I often confuse myself by saying “since my body doesn’t give this reaction, then I’m not in love/like with them.” That puts me in an even more insecure position, I start thinking about what I don’t like about myself and what others don’t like about me. I become inferior to myself and others around me and it becomes hard to breath and do anything willingly. I am able to work because I can do it without thinking about it, but lately I just want to lay down and think of all my mistakes and if course insecurities…
I’m young, I know it. All the people who go to college are making me feel like I won’t be able to go anywhere with my life if I don’t go to school and have a job. I love my work, I love my free time. I hate my lack of motivation and my lack of knowledge, but I won’t change the latter because I have no motivation because I feel like I don’t have friends sometimes. I never said this before, but I want friends my own age. I feel even more insecure with all of my older friends who’re able to go out and drink or whatever and the feel like… just people I talk to at work. It’s hard, stressful, and depressing but I don’t want to tell them that they need to do thing I can do. They’re my friends and I want them to be happy even if that means I can’t hang out with them, I’m used to being unhappy. The majority of the time they want to drink because that is how they have fun and apparently bars and clubs are the only places they can go to have fun… I’m getting tired of it. And these aren’t all of my friends, there are some that don’t but the point is I want be with everyone, and hang out with everyone togetger sometimes.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t have many friends from high school and I am starting to wish that I lived my life differently, I feel dissatisfaction building up inside and it angers me. This weather needs to end so I can run out all my insecurities.