Pacing

I feel like pacing back and forth throughout my room, but no matter how much I pace or for how long, the thoughts won’t solve themselves. My problems won’t go away. My stress won’t settle down. I’m honestly really overwhelmed and I am feeling very lost in a lot of things. I don’t what I want to do… with all these decisions I have to make. I keep wondering why I have to go through this, or why I can’t build a bridge and get over it. I already knew this, but everything is not easy. Nothing is easy and it takes a lot of hard work to make yourself happy and comfortable with yourself and I am not even there yet. I am not even close and I don’t know how to get there. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it is a money problem or if it is a boyfriend issue or if it is a me thing. I just know, that I am tired. I am really tired of being a woman with all these emotions. I want to not care about a shit ton of things, but no matter how much I try to not care or ignore, I feel so sick. My feelings sink down into the pit of my stomach and it feels like I want to throw up my emotions. I ask non stop, what is wrong with me? I know there is nothing. I know I am a normal human being but I am unique. I don’t know what to do. My mind is pacing back and forth and It won’t stop. Is it the holidays? I don’t like them very much. I’m not close to my family at all. I am not, and I wish I was. I really wish I was. I wish I could say that my family and I are awesome people who welcome everyone and play card games and take it easy. I don’t recall growing up like that. You know the worst part is looking at other families around this time of year and seeing what I never had and I wish I did, and when I get presented with the opportunity to almost recreate that with other people’s families, I get scared. I feel out of place, and awkward. Its hard to be around families who have a lot of love for each other or share it and show it. I’m not used to it. Holiday’s are stressful for me. I’d like to see my grandparents for the holidays. Honestly they are more like family to me than anyone else. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I’m tired. I am working two jobs. I only hang out and relax on Monday and Tuesdays. I don’t hang out with other people. I need to. I don’t want half hearted friends. I want real friends that will stick with me. People I don’t work with. People who weren’t in high school with me. I don’t know how to get there. This is so hard. I am almost 21 and why am I stressing over all of this crap. I am not satisfied with my living standards or friend standards or in fact almost everything. I am feeling like I am unsatisfied with myself. I know I will be okay. I will be fine. I know this.