Understanding

I am not sure about understanding things. I am afraid of the unknown, yet things that are unknown by me become very intriguing and I want to discover them. I have an overwhelming sense of wanting to discover things, even if I am afraid of them and what the outcome of it could be. I don’t understand it, and that makes me even more uncomfortable.

I meet all these amazing people everyday, and I wonder to myself ‘how do these people understand and how do they feel about these things that scare me.’ I want to know because other people’s ideas can help me shape my own ideas. I am not taking other people’s opinions to heart, I am just letting them get the edges of the paper wet. Does that make sense?

I want other people’s point of view on things that I second guess myself on. I always second guess myself on everything and what I really don’t understand is how I can simply do something without even thinking about it. It is kind of like how I talk or rant. It isn’t like writing where I can reread and take out what needs to be taken out. I say it as I think it. It can be all jumbled as thoughts too, but I will say the thought out loud and I wouldn’t be able to understand it. It doesn’t make any sense.

Anyway, I lost track of what I was really talking about, but I don’t feel like going back and reading it. I want to talk about my urges to leave Iowa. I want to get up and walk out and see a new sight, but it isn’t as easy as it seems. I have things here that I want to cherish. I figured out that I am afraid to start anew as well. The idea of it is scary, and I don’t want to be alone for it either, but in a way, I do. I don’t understand anything!

Right at this moment, I have a frightening urge to be someone out of the comfort zone. I want to do all these things that scare me. Right in this moment, I have an urge to be someone else but it scares me and I don’t understand how I, who is scared of it, can have that urge. It scares me so much, but I feel like I’ve gotten so far that I have to keep going. I keep looking back and remember things that I said I would never do and look at me. I am here, and doing something I couldn’t see. I am quite amazed at how somethings really do change, but I am so amazed that I had a thought like that once. I have gotten into a different scene since I’ve gotten out of high school and I have gotten used to the person who is carefree and ready for anything, and now that pace has slowed down so I am reverting back to who I used to be and I keep jetting to the past and remembering things I used to say that I scoff at now.

I have to say that I am so happy that I am the person now, because if I was still who I was, I wouldn’t really be who I am supposed to be, now would I?

What I really hate is I am a person who is easily pleased, and equally disappointed. I am slowly trying to quit that mindset, and trying to become a version of myself who is easily pleased and hard to disappoint. That would make things so much nicer.

I want to do so many things and I keep thinking that I am an old woman and that I can accomplish anything but then I keep thinking that I am so young and that I can do absolutely anything that I put my mind too, and I really think that I should keep with the later, but that is super hard as well. It’s all about mindset and mine is really hard to change.

I’m hoping this new year to really get out of shell that I created for all those years. I want to be different, and better but still retain things that I hold dear.

I really am changing and now that I keep realizing it, it kind of scares me.