Today started out like a day that seemed like any other, besides sleeping in and feeling awesome. I woke up after amazing rest and felt happy. I wanted to get things done. It’s 5:30 in the evening and I feel like this day is already over.
I am sad right now. I feel sad, I feel worthless and I feel hopeless. I never talk about how I feel because I want to be positive, I try to be positive but it is hard today and I don’t know why. I miss people. I miss my ex boyfriend. It seemed like he really liked me, I thought he really… really liked me. There was no indication that he didn’t. He made an effort, he told me things that wouldn’t be told to other people if they weren’t important. I am sad that he stopped talking to me. I am sad that I had to break up with him over texting because I couldn’t do it any other way. I am sad that he hasn’t responded to it, or has talked to me since. I am sad that I didn’t get closure and that I want to see him, and touch him, and kiss him. I am feeling sad because I can’t help that feeling in my stomach that makes me think of him. I am sad because I deleted his number and I don’t have history on my phone so I can’t get a hold of him. I miss him.
I woke up missing him. I woke up with a hollow feeling in my stomach knowing that I won’t see his face when I wake up. I want to know why, but I won’t and that hurts. I had this sad mindset all day, then I got my phones sim card. I was a little happier, I tried to activate it at home and got frustrated so I went to the phone store to activate it and it didn’t work because I forgot my ID at home and couldn’t have them do it. My frustration brought more tears to my eyes. My ex and this phone thing was piling up and I felt like I couldn’t breathe for a second. I felt weak and unable to steady myself, so I drove home. I took a break from trying to do anything because I just wanted to cry but then I got a text message from someone who always seems to save the day. He showed up when I thought about him at my monthly dance club and I got a little happier. I was really sad that day. His text showed up when I was getting frustrated and ready to cry. He saved the day a tiny bit. He is awesome. I chatted with another friend, and then I started telling her about my ex and how I miss him and the tears just came. I told her about my phone and how stupid it is and then I tried to get it turned on. It turns out that the unlocked phone isn’t compatible and I got even more stressed. I have a lot of business cards that I made with my current phone number on it, and then I find out that I can’t even transfer the number to a new service, I feel stressed. I feel very stressed and sad and frustrated. I don’t understand. It was a good morning and now it turned to shit and I didn’t get anything that I wanted to get done, done. I want someone to hold me tight because I feel sad about a lot of things.
I heard harsh words about me yesterday. They were said to my face and the person doesn’t even understand how they made me feel. I know that what they said is true, but I feel like it isn’t and they don’t see it but I feel like it true. I really do and I can’t help it. They called me and inconsiderate bitch, and selfish. I don’t think its true but I really feel like it is now. What frustrates me even more is… I don’t have the gas money to go and see some friends and feel better. I have stay in the house and think about it because I can’t focus on anything else.
I’m just thinking right now that I don’t want to be here. I want to be somewhere else, far away and happy. I want to be happy but I feel scared and sad and alone and I know I am not. I don’t know how to do anything. Everything seems so hard and I can’t focus on the bigger picture, I can’t see the brighter side right now. Everyday is different, and today just sucks and its only 5:30 in the evening. I have hours to go and now I have a headache and all I want to do is cuddle with my ex and sleep, but I can’t because he isn’t here and if I sleep now, I’ll be late for work tomorrow. Nothing is going right today. It was going so well and today just had to be thrown at me. I can’t afford anything either. I can’t afford to get out of this house and live on my own, I can’t afford to go places right now. I can’t do anything right now.
But, I know it will get better. I’m still here, and it will get better, no matter how hard it gets it will get better and its hard to think that way but I know will. I just have to keep that in my mind.
I think I am going to clean my disgustingly cluttered room and that will probably make myself feel a lot better. I apologize for the depressing post, but if you read to this far, please leave a comment and tell me that it’ll get better. It helps if its from other people too. Thank you for reading and supporting me.