To Want

Its human nature to want more and more, is it not? All I want to do is want something. I want something to ease my tired thoughts of sadness and I want something to boost my happiness to the ultimate level. I want it up so high that I’ll want something to bring it down because it’s driving me insane how happy I am.

I go back and forth between wanting and not wanting something. There are a lot of things that I want from myself, from others, my job, my love, my life… There is so much that I want that I don’t know what I need.

want
verb
(1) have a desire to possess or do [something]; wish for.
“I want an apple”

need
verb
(1) require [something] because it is essential or very important.
“I need help now”

I know the difference between the two of them. I know what each of those words mean. The thing I am not fully sure of are the feelings that I relate to those words. I know what I need and what I want. I know that very clearly, but what I don’t know is what I need from other people or things. I want love from someone, my boyfriend for example. I want him to love me for who I am and I want him to just show his affection, but I don’t know what I need from him, and I don’t know if I need anything from him, because I just get these emotions that just bottle up inside me from other relationships.

I have a lot of insecurities and I have written about them before, but many new ones have appeared over the past few months. Before I started dating my boyfriend, I was looking, obviously. I met amazing people and I liked them each a lot in their own way and I have very strong feelings for them. I am easy to like people for many different reasons and I believe it isn’t a bad thing. Each of these guys drew me to them. I really liked them as I said and I talked about them and hope for something with them. After talking with them for a while and my feelings growing, they would stop talking to me. Not a word to be said and nothing to be heard. This has happened for a while now. It happened a long time ago to someone whom I cared about very, very deeply. He just stopped talking and I was heart broken. About a 8 or 9 months later I met someone else who held a lot more promise in my heart. I fell instantly and that was a hard blow. He made promises and lied to me and I fell for it all, because… what was going on was perfect. I didn’t have doubts or anything and I thought, “hey this might be it!” I was horribly wrong. I fell so hard and it hurt so bad when he stopped talking to me as well. It was extremely intense, and I am still at a loss for those feelings. I don’t understand anything, and now I have unnecessary worries whenever someone stops talking to me even if they’re busy. This goes back to what I want and need. I don’t know if I need someone to talk to me if I am in a relationship with them or if I want them to. I definitely want them to talk to me. My boyfriend right now is balancing work, friends, and me and a few other things. and I don’t want him to pick one over the other, but I want him to talk to me and let me know what he is doing, I get worried that he is going to stop talking to me like all the rest, but he isn’t like the rest.

I trust him a lot, but I don’t know if him talking to me is a want or a need. When I am with him, I have no worries at all and I am happy as can be just being next to him. There isn’t anything wrong at all, but when I don’t hear from him, I get lonely and sad. Emotions come out and I don’t like it. I want to be relaxed and happy, but I am not. So I blame myself for having nothing to keep myself entertained and just waiting by the phone. What do I do? What do i do with my life to be the one who doesn’t text? I don’t have a life, I work, have a boyfriend and come home. I have nothing else.

I have nothing else that keeps me entranced in my own little world, so entranced that I forget about my phone. I just keep waiting.

I don’t know what I want in anything. I do but, I don’t. I want that feeling to be a need, but I don’t.

I want to be a writer, I am one. Look at what I am doing right now, look at what you are reading. This is my blog, its my life, my emotions. I want people to be reading this and relating and telling me things, giving me feedback. I want to be here, in the moment and not feel like I am lost in the internet. Do you understand? I want to finish a book and have it published and have a copy in my room that I can look at. I want that accomplishment. I apparently don’t want it that bad since I don’t work for it. I need help to get things done, I need help with my emotions, and I want it. I want to be happy, I need to be happy, and I just keep going back and forth with my happiness and sadness.

I want to see my boyfriend, I want to monopolize him and know what he is doing. I want to know his habits and his quirks. I want to know more about his hobbies and his lifestyle. I want to know him more and more and I want my mind to be filled with him because it makes me happy to be so entranced with someone that I just feel present and alive when I am holding his hand. I don’t think he knows this either, why am I so happy in his presence and when I am not all these horrible thoughts cloud my mind. I don’t know.

What to do, what to do. I am going to eat, and I am going to write and I am going to get lost in a world that is so real to me that when you get lost in it you will never want to leave.

I don’t know if that makes any sense but it sounds pretty awesome to me right now.

Thank you for reading and following along in my life of ups and downs, I know I keep saying this, but I will write more. This blog is the longest one that I’ve been able to keep and I am super stoked about that. Please, if you have any advice of your own or just want to tell me something about yourself, tell me. Comment. I want to know everyone. I have a thirst of knowledge and I want to know how you became who you are.