Posted in Life

Security measures

So I am at the airport right now, I got here very early and it was quite and nice. More people came and it was surprisingly not that difficult, I just needed to stop doubting myself. There was a strange noise earlier and I was feeling awkward and so was this other women. We started talking. She is a hairdresser and she lives on the east coast. She was traveling because her grandmother turned 100 and when she gets back she has prom, finals and graduation to deal with. Her 18 year old daughter is the cause. I got a lot more from her but I dont need to discuss it all.
The security checkpoints were nerve racking. I didn’t know what to do and I felt awkward and out of place. When I got done I was shaking because I was so nervous. By the way, im 19 today. It is my birthday, and this us my present to myself.
I just saw a very attractive man, and I hope I sit next to one. That would be nice.

Posted in Life


I will be on Hiatus for a few days up to a week. I won’t update or anything, I will be at home or at work or on a small vacation. I don’t plan on updating the rest of this week unless I can get over my writers stump and I will not be updating much over my birthday week, which is next week.

On the 21st, I am off to see my friend and I will not be back until the 23rd. I am going to enjoy this trip and not try to do anything else rather than have fun. Oh by the way, the 21st is my birthday.

Sorry for any inconveniences, I will still check comments and what not so feel free to still talk to me!

Posted in Life

Rainy Days

There is a severe thunderstorm coming at the moment. I was sitting outside in the 77 degree air and watching the oncoming lightning and listening to the distanced thunder. I was thinking of life, of people that I care about and people that I like. I was thinking about what I am going to do with my life, and then I started thinking about moving to Washington, because I heard it rains a lot there and lately I really savor the rainy days. 

I don’t know where my mind wanders to anymore.

I want to go somewhere in the middle of nowhere, or even in a park… I want a tent that has a clear cover on it so I could see the sky. I would bring a few plastic mood candles and a music system that would play my sad/rainy day music. I would lie in a puke of blankets and pillows and watch the rain fall on the tent and image that it would wah away everything. Even though it won’t.

Posted in Life

Hard at work

I had a very good weekend. I danced the night away and my troubles seemed to melt away. I hung out with my friend Alex and it was a blast, ya know, knowing somebody that is strange like yourself. I exercised and I felt strong. Emotionally, not physically. My legs are sore still and I love it, it makes me want to work out even more.
I ride my bike to work every day, it’s about 8 miles total, and sometimes it is super windy and it’s hard, I get tired but… somewhere during the time I’m at work, I become better. I tell myself that this isn’t the best I can be. I need to get the most out of this situation. This strong sense of motivation comes rarely and when I have it im too lazy to do it. Today I fixed myself to think positively and attempted to hum all day, or feel light on my feet.
I get to that feeling sometimes, today was like that. I felt a little sad in the morning because I keep hearing things from a second source within my friend group and it makes me feel unimportant but I stopped thinking that asap! I was a little stressed since I was almost out of a few things, I didn’t get all that I wanted done, but I got the majority.
I really enjoy coming in at 630 in the morning. I get more time to do things, and I am less distracted. I am going to try very hard at work this month because I need to for myself.

Posted in Writing

Because Of You: Chapter Three

Chapter One, Chapter Two

Previous Chapter: here!

School couldn’t go by any slower, the classes ticked by and I made the mistake of putting a little mascara on this morning, for tonight. All the guys in class are looking at me like I am a stranger and the girls seem to be approaching a little bit more. I was walking through the halls, heading toward the last class of the day, when a girl I vaguely recognized comes up to me.

“Nerine! You look really pretty today, are you wearing… mascara!?” She giggled excessively. I blushed a little bit and felt awkward since she was a whole foot shorter than me.

“Yes, I am..” I mumbled.

“Did you get a boyfriend or something? I always thought of you as pretty manly but seeing this side of you… well you are very cute!” She offered her hand to me. “I”m Irisa, Irisa White.” I grabbed her hand and shook it lightly.

“Nerine Andersson. Hi..” I blushed. My first female friend. “I-I have to get to class, I will see you on Monday?”

“Sure! We can eat lunch together!” She waved and ran off. I am starting to feel like my situation is turning around.

My last class finished and I rush to the station and change into my outfit for tonight. I brought my long coat so I can wear it over the outfit since the club doesn’t happen till later. I walk around the area and visited some cute cafes and shops and before I knew it the time happened to be 7 PM. I head towards the club and bouncers stops me. I introduce myself and used the look of ‘I am older than I look’ He eyed me for a second and I released my coat from around my shoulders a bit so my cleavage shows. We were around the same height and he looked down and let me in. I mumbled a thank you and pranced in.

The music was loud and the place was crowded. I wandered around most of the time and I felt nervous. I didn’t see her anywhere and I felt like I was in the wrong place when a couple of guys walked up to me.

“Hey, you’re pretty cute.” One walked up next to me and another put their arm around my waist. They were quite taller than me and I felt intimidated and awkward.

Before I could speak another one showed up, “You haven’t been here before have you? Let me take that coat for you.” He grabs it before I can protest and hands it to the bartender. I hope it was safe but I had nothing in the pockets.

“What’s your name? I’m Adrik, nice to meet you.” He kissed my cheek and smiled.

“Um, I am sorry… I have to go.” I murmur and try to walk away. My heart pounded and I felt sort of sick. The hand around my waist held me in place and I felt a hand grasp my wrist.

“No no no. We haven’t had some fun yet.” The two other guys laughed.

“Introduce yourselves.” Adrik told them.

“I’m Oleksander.” The one who had my waist whispered next to my ear. His breath smelled like alcohol and I coughed. It was strong and disgusting.

“Hello, I am Drew.” He took my wrist he held and used his free hand to shake it.

“I’m sorry. I really have to go…” I jerk my hand away from Drew and twist out of Oleks half-embrace. I was almost out of the small group of men when Adrik wrapped his arms around the front of my shoulders and I fell into his chest. I looked up with a frightened look plastered on my face.

“Don’t look so scared. I won’t hurt you… much.” He mumbled and leaned down to kiss me. I tried to get away but I was held down tight when I heard Adrik grunt and release me.  I was pulled into another mans chest. He held my head against his chest so I couldn’t see the pain he was inflicting on the others.

I began to cry and I couldn’t see very well so he pulled me along with him.

“Where is her coat?” His voice was deep and smoldering as he spoke to the bartender. He grabbed the coat and walked me to the back room and sat me down on the couch.

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly. His voice was softer now, it sounded sweet as I cried. He got up and grabbed a glass of water and set it down in front of me. I wiped my eyes and avoided looking at him as I grabbed the glass.

“You are hurt.”

“I’m fine.”

“Look at your wrist.” It was bruised and the sore feeling began to nag at my skin. The fear wore off and it began to really hurt. The man could tell I was in pain and he handed me an ice pack.

“Thank you.” I wiped my face and looked up. The ice pack dropped from my hand. “It’s you!!!” I yelled and slammed my hands on the table, instantly regretting it due to my wrist. I cringed and sat back down.

“Are you okay!? What are you doing!?” He stands up and comes over to me.

“You are a man!?” I gasp. “But, your hair, and… it looks like a woman’s. It’s so clean and fluffy looking!?” I trail off in astonishment and he begins to laugh.

“I’m sorry, this is the first time I’ve ever saw you. Who are you?” He chuckles.

“Uh… My name is Nerine and I admired you when I thought you were a woman,” I clear my throat. “I saw you a couple of days ago walking and I thought you looked gorgeous.”

“Well, Nerine,” My name sounded so sweet almost taboo. “If you saw me close up, you would be able to tell that I am a man. Why are you so interested in me that you would follow me here?”

Oh crap, I was caught in a story that I had not planned out yet. I ran my fingers through my hair and decided to tell him the truth. I discussed my height complex and my story of when I was younger. He listened to it all surprisingly.

“I can see why you have a fascination with the idea that I was a woman then.” He laughed even more and became insanely handsome. I feel infatuated even more that he is a man. I don’t remember what I felt before I knew him.

I swallowed and stood up abruptly. “I have to leave now.” I take my coat and rush out the door, flustered. I hear foot steps chase after me but I race through the club too fast to hear his words he may have said.

“Nerine!” I stopped. I could clearly hear him in the night wind outside of the club. “My name is Gavin, you can come again to see me. I can help you fix your problem.” His smile was gallant and I felt my face heat up.

“I would never!” I yelled, embarrassed. I didn’t feel the need to say ‘just kidding’ due to his insane amount of laughter and his words ‘until next time’ which provoked the butterflies in my stomach to be set free.

Next Chapter: Here!

Posted in Writing

Because Of You: Chapter Two

Read Chapter One: here

As I finished school, I walked away from my ‘Bros’ and headed toward the train station. I remembered the exact time I saw her, it was a little after 5, the train I took was at 4:15 and I followed the girls from my school down town. I retraced my steps and my hopes were answered. It was just as crowded as it was yesterday and I could still clearly spot her. I made sure to keep my eye on her and I pulled out my phone awkwardly. Pressing speed dial 1, it rang and my mother picked up after a few.


“Mother, I am going to a study group after class today, I just got out of school and my friend wants to go to her house since it is big. Its downtown though, is it alright?” I begged and kept my eyes on my target.

“Yeah, honey, that’s fine. What time will you be home?”

“A little after 6. Don’t worry about dinner, her parents are serving us.”

“Okay! Be safe then, I will see you at home.” The phone clicked and I shoved it in my purse and squeezed through the group. The woman went to a gas station and bought something unknown, but it seemed that everyone’s eyes were on her.

“I know I am being a stalker right now, I just have to wait for the right time to strike up a conversation.” I mumble under my breath. I ran my fingers through my hair and my heart stuttered when I remember it was long, I became used to having a wig on due to my act in school. I shook my shoulder and relaxed a bit when I noticed that she was farther up ahead now. I hurry to trail behind her.

I followed her around downtown and the evening ended with her heading into a club like yesterdays. I didn’t feel comfortable to head in there, since I felt out-of-place big time. It wouldn’t have been appropriate to enter a night club in a school uniform either! I check my phones clock and its about time I head to the station.

At home my parents are watching TV, they hear my rummaging at the entrance and call for me.

“Nerine? Is that you?” My fathers announces.

“Yes, I’m home!”

The provoked the normal after school conversation, but added questions regarding my friend’s home. I answered them as I planned out. They looked satisfied with my lies and excused me to head to my bedroom. I ran up the stairs, threw my bag on the bed and began to sift through my weekend clothes. I had nothing that looked suitable for that club, so I jumped into my computer chair and checked my bank account my parents set up for me. I had some extra allowance money to spend for this week so I planned another lie to go shopping tomorrow for cute clothes.

I swivel over to the bed and grab my calendar and mark down some notes about the stores she went to today. “I have a very strong urge to meet her and talk to her. She stands tall and proud over her height and I wish to be that way too.” I whisper as I write it down next to the ‘reasons to meet her’ I jotted down yesterday.

The next day whirls around and I am distant from everyone, more than normal. I am planning to change into a weekend outfit after school and head to the stores near the club. I need to find a sexy yet conservative outfit for the occasion. I plan on entering the club on Friday, telling my parents I want to sleep at a friend’s house. They don’t pry into the other persons business, they just ask a ton of questions about your plan, which is what parents are. I stare at my calendar as the clock ticks by. As the bell rings, I am the first one out of the door and I use the advantage of my height and long legs to sprint to the station. I can feel my face wide with a smile and my cheeks start to hurt at the excitement that builds up. I told my mother similar ‘study group’ plans as yesterdays, but I am staying out longer. I race to the shops that I thought are suitable and ask the clerks to help me pick out a possible outfit.

“It’s my first time to a club, and I just turned of age, I need a good outfit.” I lie with a small foreign accent attached. I used to watch non-stop British and Aussie television, so I learned a few versions of their accents. My mother praised me for it because it could possibly land me amazing modeling deals.

The clerk seemed intimidated and impressed. She led me to a section of sophistication and appealing yet revealing clothing. She gave me many options but I chose one that was sleek, slimming, and sexy. To me, it made me feel more like an adult and it made my long hair actually look amazing. My mother would tell me that I look like a model, so I decided to take a picture of myself in the dressing room, for my records only. I buy the outfit and head to the next store to get some cute shoes and accessories.

I rush home at the proper time and attempt to avoid conversation with my parents, and I succeed. In my room, I throw my clothes in the corner of the closet and I head to bed for the big day tomorrow (Friday).

Next Chapter: here