My brother and mother and fighting again. They always fight now-a-days. Its stressful, and it makes me angry and sad. My mother and I get into fights too, but it isn’t as bad because I ignore it mostly. I try to ignore the fighting or the yelling but its hard, it is really hard.
My mother tries to talk to me when doing something and I want to focus on that, but she talks anyway. Then she complains when I ask to tell her something… I’m dealing with it. I’m dealing with the shit that goes on in this house, all the stuff I can’t tolerate. I’m dealing with it all, but I don’t know. I know that when my mom drinks she talks to someone else, either me or Darci-my brother’s fiancée. She is talking to Darci about all this crap, and its annoying honestly.
She does this a lot. She’s getting stressed, and she complains to me and it makes me stressed. I need to move out, I need to be out and on my own. I need to start saving and become better at all the things I need to do. I’ve gone in the hole and I’m stuck in it for now.
When I moved out before, and I was technically not really moved out, it was good. I was happy and not stressed. I was happy. Now, I’ve been back. I’m not happy. I’m not happy. I wish I could move out right at this instant. I want to bring a few clothes and books and my computer and be good. That’s what I would bring, well I say that now, but I know it would be different.
I have a bank account in my name for my mom, and I don’t like it. I want no connections to family, honestly. I will have communication but I don’t want and connection that will have to make me talk to them or see them, do you understand?
I’m just ranting out-of-order.
I want my room back. I want the power to be fixed, I want a new bed and I want my situation to end because it is forcing my mother to yell at me and make me feel like crap and.. just horrible. I don’t say anything though. I have an issue, I could move out and live with someone else, but I can’t do that. If I move out, I need to live on my own. I can’t live with another person for now, I need to be on my own. I just want to be alone lately, yeah still have friends, but I want to be alone.
Right now, on the outside, I am the normal Paige; however, there are moments where the abnormal part of me shows. When I am silent, the second personality is brought out. I am sad, unhappy, depressed, angry, guilty, afraid, un-confident, insecure, cold… feeling broken and caged. It’s okay for now, that s honestly how I feel. It is okay at the moment. I’m not completely out of my wits yet, and when that happens I will call for help, I will.
It’s all caused by over thinking, and I know I will be alright because I have amazing friends that will support me whether I am ready or not.
Writing a Paige 