All Open

As I wrote, I confessed on Monday to a guy that I work with, and since I share my life and deep feelings with the people who happen to virtually walk by, here is my mixed up and emotional story.

I am 18, he is 23. He is nice, cute, funny, somewhat shy and I feel comfortable talking to him and looking at him, I get that relaxed feeling.  Part of me is tired from being alone and single, but another is wanting to get to know this guy more and more, but closer. I kept feeling down the more and more I thought about the idea of a relationship, and it wasn’t that I was down about him, it was more of my self-confidence and skills that brought my thoughts crashing to the ground. I kept feeling that I didn’t have it in me and it was even worse when I saw him conversing easily with people who could actually hang around and talk to him. Of course I also thought it wouldn’t work out because we work together, but I never had a clue for age, I feel like it isn’t that much of a problem when the other is actually legal.

My feelings got to the point, where Monday came along and I needed to confess or something, I was super down, depressed, and jealous of others and it was effecting everything around me. I told him that I needed to tell him something after work and we walked home to his house and we talking about something else, until we got to his house. It was about time to leave and I was nervous and almost rethinking my confession but I decided to do it anyway, but I didn’t do it how I wanted to. I told him “I like you.” And I sort of walked away, that was my first mistake. He later told me that he was sort of confused and I kicked myself in the stomach for that. I was super nervous and I technically gave him the rest of that night and a whole day to think about it.

Wednesday came around and I was super excited for work because of him, and I originally had a good feeling, and it got better when I was able to ask my boss if I could do something special for Valentines Day. I don’t know if I am able to do it yet though. Anyway, him and I didn’t talk as much as I wanted to because it was sort of awkward and he is a hard worker. I also would’ve gotten into trouble if I just waltzed over there all the time like other people do, and I hate them for it. Okay, I strongly dislike them (that is where my jealousy kicks in).

During lunch break when everyone was busy talking and after I have had my fill of depressing emotions, I told him that I don’t need to hear his reply, when honestly I did. That is mistake number two. He gave an awkward smile and I felt stupid. I kept my timing terrible throughout the whole day. What is even worse, I went back later and tried to explain to him that I wanted to hear it yet I didn’t and he looked completely confused, and there’s mistake number three. I felt super pathetic after everything and I completely hated my blabbering mouth for confessing and trying to take it back. I hated it.

I had my hopes up. I tried not too but I couldn’t help it. The last time I had my hopes sky-high, they got shot down with rockets when I realized that I was being played with.

Later, when I was off the clock I went to get him to make me my food, and while he did that I asked him if he heard me on Monday, and he said he did. That’s where he told me that he was left confused and didn’t know what to do because I just walked away. I also told him that when I attempted to come up to him the third time, that I was trying to say that I did and did not want to hear his answer and that is when he told me. He said I was a cool girl and he likes me as a friend but (as I interpreted it) he can see us as anything more because of the age, I guess. My heart kind of stopped. It was already hard enough to breathe confronting him about my confessing and the answer for it, but it was even harder to hear it. He also told me that I have balls for confessing and he was trying to reject me in the nicest way possible. It was the nicest way possible, I got friend-zoned so at least it isn’t all that bad, at least I am not hated.

I got my sandwich and I left after having a fake smile on my face, telling him I understand and that its fine. I walk away and I held back my tears, but when I look at my friends, I want to cry. I held it in though and I grabbed my stuff and it was time for me to leave because my other friend was here to pick me up and that’s when I cried a little bit. He didn’t know what to do, but no one really does. I really got my hopes up and it sucks trying to find a partner and you get rejected. It hurts and I never know what to do and I just want to keep crying or stay in a hole for the rest of my life.

I over complicate things though, so I can’t really argue. I should have confessed and then waited for his reply, it would have been better, but it would have also been better if I didn’t tell anyone that I like him, because they got their hopes up for us and in turn, my hopes raised internally.