Insecurities

Insecurity (n):
Plural noun: Insecurities
Uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence
synonyms: self-doubt, diffidence, timidity, uncertainty
The state of being open to danger or threat; lack of protection.
synonyms: unstable, rickety, unsteady, precarious

For the sake of my argument, here is the definition of most of my existence so far. For most of my memories, this strong sense of uncertainty has plagued me since I moved here nine years ago.  Moving to a state had a big impact on me. Life wasn’t that hard, it was the fact that I was different from everyone else. I felt like I was always the newbie because I am from a different state… I changed schools almost every year, but I was in the same city. In fourth grade, I was in one school and when fifth rolled around… I was in another. For sixth and seventh, I was in one. Eighth and Freshman year, in another one. When Sophomore year rolled around, I finally thought I was going to stay in the same school for the rest of my high school life. News spread like wildfire and the new high school was being built because the city was growing. I spent Junior and Senior year in that high school. It wasn’t that bad. By the time I finished school I almost knew everyone and didn’t like them because of the cliques that formed over the years. I went through many phases of friends; however, I felt that they were all superficial and that I felt ‘cool’ being their friend. I realized when I graduated high school that I didn’t want these friends because they don’t matter to me. I also realized the few friends I did make will always stay by my side, even if we are far apart, we will talk again like we were never separated.

When I was in high school, I became obsessed with writing, drawing, and reading. I loved anything that could help me escape from reality and that also included the wonderful internet that drains my life every time I use it (in a good way!). I made some friends through that but we never went further outside of the school boundaries. During high school, home life got insecure(2). I couldn’t handle it, therefore a lot of things happened and its not that happy of a story, but I will write about it some day. I went through a lot of phases over and over again through out high school and only know am I free of those pressures to live up to society, but when my friends are looking amazing in what they wear, do I realize that I don’t care about what I look. But I do.

I’ve always seen super cute clothes online or in stores, but those clothes don’t suit me. I always thought that, so I never attempt it. Even when I do, I regret it. I can’t find clothes that really suit me and I feel like an embarrassment around my super cute friends. I don’t want to tell them that I feel insecure(1). I do though. I am introverted, it may not seem like it. Only recently did I realize that I am very hyper active and out going, but I never share things about myself that put me in that strange, and frightening light that is black and depressing. I don’t want to scare away people, but that shadow is there everyday and it creeps over me at any time of day. I always thought it would disappear if I get friends and a boyfriend, become like other people. I realize that I have to find my light by myself, and friends and boyfriends can only help me climb the rope; but in the end it is me and me alone.

I feel afraid to crawl out of the hole that I’ve dug myself, it’s all I’ve known and I don’t know anything else. It feels strange and unnerving when I am brimming with happiness and the shadow is just a sliver in my heart. It’s a thorn, I know it is still there, but my happiness would push it out. When I realize it will be pushed out with all this joy… I slam it back in with a sledgehammer that creates a black hole in my heart and sucks away the true happiness. I’m left there as a shell, an empty shell with darkness that is infinite.

Lately, I have been feeling more and more insecure(1) and it scares me. I am not confident with anything I do because I always over think and contradict myself. I am like Newtons Cradle: going back and forth between the dark and light and it never stops.

I want to be alone, but I want to spend the rest of my life with someone dear.
I want friends, but I don’t want them.
I love myself yet I hate myself.

I am a paradox and I don’t understand why I can’t just do the things I want. If I want to get a guy’s number (like I wanted to today) I could just ask, but I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid that I am not attractive and that I am too strange for him to like me. I feel like I am an annoyance to him and I don’t even think he shows interest in me.

I want to complain all the time about how sad I am for no reason and I just want to be happy with my depressing choices, but I can’t be because I want to genuinely happy about something good. It doesn’t make sense right? I don’t know how I got here, and I don’t know how to end this phase, and I don’t even know if it is just a phase. I can’t handle myself.

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this was a purposeful rant, I needed this out and open and I still don’t know if I am completed with this. I wanted to make it flow from one thing to another but, I can’t. For not this post will be about my insecurities. I will eventually make a bunch of posts about my troubles since I did start this blog as an online journal for anyone to read if they felt like it.
Thank you for listening/reading my rant. I feel better and all the more ready for the trip to the Mall of America with my very good friends tomorrow. Wish me happiness, because I am wishing it to the best of my abilities right now, which is kind of why I wrote this post… so I can disband all the negative feelings for this trip, though they keep jumping back and forth. Anyway, thank you. Have a nice day/night.