Wishful Thinking and Feelings


ImageImageI imagine myself looking at someone, and wanting to embrace them. I let my hands trace over and up his arms, my hands pressed against is back and I hold him. I feel his arms wrap around my back and hold me close. I feel my cheek against his, and I feel warm. 

I wish for a sweet kiss that makes my feet and legs go weak, and the butterflies in my stomach fly away, the feeling when I got my first kiss with someone I loved. 

I think I want to love someone as much as I did Nick and Bryce. I love loving someone or liking someone a lot, but I don’t remember how that feels. I feel like I am ready for a relationship, I do not know, but I am dating and getting to know people, but I am not sure. I know that not every person will get me in the right way, and I feel bad. I wish I could learn to like people and become more than friends, its hard to do that and I wouldn’t be happy that way. I am still young and I have time, but it sure is taking forever.

I used to be in a shell in high school, used to be caged up and keeping my true self to myself until someone came along and I would show everything right then and there. I’ve changed and now I share myself with my friends and I am willing to open myself up over time, I just need to find that person. 

I feel like I am afraid to let myself fall and feel those feelings. I think I am insecure about the other person loving me, or even liking me. Its hard to find someone, you find your sweetheart online, or at college, or at work, or the off chance of going to a place so regularly that you get the courage to ask the person you like out. I have my options of work or online. There aren’t many people that give me that feeling though, you know, the feeling of really wanting to get to know the person or the ‘i am attracted to you.’ I can’t find that. There is a person at work, at the moment, that I feel that. I’m slowly getting to know him, I just need to pluck the courage to ask him out on a date or something. If he says no, then oh well. I’ll take a day or so of embarrassment and continue to be friends with him. 

I don’t remember how I was attracted to Nick, I think I became attracted to him at first with the hint of handsomeness in his looks. I found the good and the bad and then I started a conversation with him. I fell in love with him within the first three days of talking non-stop. Then over time, I fell harder with the feel of him and the contact and his family and history. It was amazing and I fell in love with it all, and he was my first anything and I love him still but no longer in that way.

For Bryce, I believe he reminded me of Nick. He was good looking to me but I really loved his smile. His smile made me smile and I couldn’t stop looking at me and I also noticed him looking at me. It was fun and soon, we hung out then started dating after a bit. It was sweet and fast. His personality was outgoing and sometimes he was an asshole but I still fell in love with him. He was mostly honest and I guess Nick really raised my expectation of that. 

I used to count all the people I’ve dated even if it was super short, but now I only count Nick and Bryce because they were my serious relationships, even if they weren’t serious. I miss being stable with someone and it is heartbreaking sometimes, especially lately. I think with February 14th coming up, I will ask that one guy out from work and see what happens. I’m a weirdo like that. I know if I don’t do it before hand I will do it then, I just need to figure out how. Should I do it in a cheesy way? Or just flat out ask? 

Trying to start a relationship is so hard. 

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