I Mumbled ‘bye’ To The Man I Love

The worst goodbye, I said it a couple of days ago actually. 
A guy that I love, we dated for more than a year… He is moving and we had some sort of physical relationship and I had an emotional relationship with it too, he didn’t, this was after we all broke up. Anyway… It was getting hard for me to handle since I wanted him to stay and be with me, but he had no choice. He has to leave and it is sometime this month… 
I felt that him and I were perfect for each other and I knew he loved me but, if he has said those words to me, I wouldn’t have told him “goodbye.” I asked him why he doesn’t ask me and he said that he won’t say those words ever again for a long time, and that is when my heart kind of gave up. I wanted to hear him tell me the words that I haven’t heard in so long. He didn’t tell me them, my heart couldn’t take it. I cried the entire night before as I wrote a poem:https://writingapaige.wordpress.com/2012/05/31/lie-here-in-my/ It was a terrible feeling. Like the first three times my heart broke… 
So, I texted him asking if I could get a ride to work(because when I am at work I am distracted). At first he said no, and then secretly my mind was screaming for joy but my heart was aching and my body was shaking. Later on he replied saying that he can now, and I texted him the time 3:35. He got here at 3:40 and the hours before that, I was scared, but I decided to look my best. I put make up on and smiled even if it was fake. I looked good, I wanted to look good, I wanted to look different. Anyway, he picked me up and it was raining… He asked me “Didn’t you have something you want to talk about?” 
“Yeah, can it wait though?” He shrugged. The atmosphere was stiff and uncomfortable or it was just me, since I was hanging on to the seat belt for dear life feeling like I will fall into a pit of despair because I might not have the guts to tell him. 
We got to my workplace and I told him. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore” After a bit he said “Okay.” I was thinking, ‘Okay? Is that all? Jeez’ and I asked him “Can I have a hug or a kiss?” He said just a hug, and my heart fell a little… We shared an improper hug over the center council of his car and I got out and didn’t look back, but I mumbled a ‘bye.’ I felt like I was going to cry, but I held it him. I had a somber look on my face and everything seemed grey for a bit, but that not that long. I had a fun time at work. I haven’t cried about what happened yet, and I don’t know when. I’ll probably cry when I think of all those memories him and I shared and how, we won’t see each other again. I don’t even have the guts to just message him… After falling in love with him(an amazing guy, seriously) I feel like I can’t really find anyone better.

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