I spoke the shortened version: “bye,” because I hope that one day I will see him again.
I don’t know what will happen then, I am scared. I know last night I cried like a baby, because I was thinking about him, and then I wrote that poem, https://writingapaige.wordpress.com/2012/05/31/lie-here-in-my/ ,I cried like a baby when I wrote that. I screamed into my pillow thinking “What am I doing?” I cried and wanted to run to my mom and tell her, “He’s leaving again! Mommy!” I am a baby.
Oh well, this has to be done for me to move, at least that is how I am thinking.
Part of me wishes the worst, part of me wishes the best, but I guess that comes with loving your first.
Even though I told those fearful words, I went to work and I worked. I worked hard, and my mind left that broken place and I thought to myself “I feel a little bit better with all these people around me who don’t give two shits about what I am going through!” It makes me feel the same way. I realize, if I didn’t work, I would have been at home crying… I bet. I really want to cry right now, but I am not going to. I will not cry. I will not cry.
I want to be done with crying. I want to remember the times him and I have shared, I don’t want to forget. However, I don’t want to think of them. I don’t want to think of how we could have been, or how is he leaving. I want to think about things now: Feeding my snake, trying to read my book, laughing at more youtube videos. I feel like I want to live in the moment and I am slowly being able to do that. I’m honestly glad that I have people who don’t care about what I am going through, that just means they won’t feed my attention and eventually I will grow out of it. I know sometimes I will cry though, and I guess that is alright. When the time comes and I need to cry, I will cry and cry, release all my painful emotions and soon, I might not cry anymore. I can already feel myself thinking about him less and less. And it is still hard for me to believe that I will find someone just for me in the future, but I guess it’s true. I guess that I will find another love; someone who I will cry over, someone who makes me feel amazing. I just can’t wait till that time comes.
So for now, the words that I spoke tonight, “bye,” that was just for now. At the end of this month, I will say Goodbye. To my emotions and to my love, but I will accept them and not try and get rid of them. I know it is going to be hard, but I know that all my friends that do care and don’t care are going to be around, so I guess I can move on. Wish me luck!