Why Did I Do That

This might be a little depressing… Ugh, I don’t know anymore… 

Why did I have to tell my ex all of my feelings? It sucks, it really does. I didn’t cry when I told him all of that stuff, I only cried when he basically said he won’t tell me the three words. I cried a lot to that. 

First of all, I only want him to say them, but he won’t. And to make that worse, this younger guy who used to be my friend, kept saying that ‘I wanna kiss you’ and ‘I love you’ and to be honest, I don’t want to here that from him! C’mon. I told him to stop telling me this and he insisted to keep telling me this when it was only hurting me. So I told him. “You say you want to kiss me one more time then you can kiss our friendship goodbye.” That shut him up, but he didn’t stop telling me to get over my ex, he didn’t stop telling me how amazing I am, he didn’t stop telling me that he was always here for me and he didn’t stop telling me that he loved me. It made me so mad! The one person who I wanted to say those things to me wasn’t saying them, and this boy who isn’t my type or any where close to it… does say it. I don’t think so. I may sound bitchy and all, but I am not over my ex. At. All. So then, I told him if he says I love you one more time that our friendship is gone. So it is. And he tried talking to me again, and not gonna happen!

Some other things to make it worse, are all these guys (only two) wanting to hang out with me, or want my attention, or do things to irritate me! One of them pry’s into my thoughts, and I DON’T WANT TO TELL HIM. But he doesn’t get the hint, so I end up shutting him out for a couple of days, and that’s mean of me, but oh well. The other guy keeps his pervy mouth open everytime we hang out and he makes useless comments on Facebook that don’t make sense, and sometimes are a bit insensitive. He annoys me too. It really sucks. AHHH! I want to scream, and I want to cry. 

Sometimes I feel like… “Am I ever going to fall in love with someone else? Will this really painful ending of my first love ever leave me?” It really hurts when I think about that stuff, so I do nothing. I feel numb most of the time. Ugh, this is depressing right? If you are still reading, which I doubt, any tips??? Meh.

There are too many memories.

Too many beloved memories that I will never share with someone else…

Why is it so hard?

I kind of feel like this is a punishment for all the things that I did wrong. My heart breaking every time I remember something, every time I think of him, and every time I see other people in love… Why do I do this.. It is so hard to stop thinking about these things. I really want him in my life. I really do… I want him to stay by my side and not leave. I don’t want him to go… I love him. I love him. Too much. 

Sometimes I wish I never fell in love. But then I think, then I would never know when I am in love…