Smother

I want to be touched with passionate hands, with a sentimental kiss, with a sensual warmth. It’s unbearable, this yearning. I want to be loved by someone who will love me for me. I want to love someone as much as I loved him. I am afraid to love physically, for my tears will spill because of who I have loved physically and emotionally. When i love someone, I am afraid my love will not be there emotionally.

Lately I have been shrouded in my own thoughts. I may have worked all of last week, except Monday, but I want to forget about these thoughts… I won’t revert to how I used to be, before him. That’s not an option… I like a couple of people, but I can’t do anything and I won’t. I found out some people like me and I feel horrible that they do… I’m not a good person to like… I hurt everyone easily, I don’t take people’s feelings into consideration… I’m horrible.

I want my thoughts to disappear but they won’t, and I won’t do anything to make them vanish. I remember when he said that “we both went into this relationship knowing it wouldn’t last forever.” That was at the beginning of it. In the middle, we did want it to last forever, but honestly, it never was going to last forever, and I never knew that I would have shared everything with him. I sincerely wish it could have been forever. I really wish it could have been longer, at least make happier memories. It’s really sad. I’m not ready to give back these things. I feel so, so light yet heavy. The necklace is off, and has been off and I miss it… I want it back on, but I won’t put it on.

I need myself. If I have any relationship, physically, with another guy I will regret it… I will cry, I will be upset and down. Even more lonelier… Maybe I can do what others have told me… Be a whore and become empty inside…  I don’t know anymore…

I wrote an undelivered letter… I’m not going to send it not matter how much I want to. I want to have contact but I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. My head hurts. I’ve cried on and off today.

What should I do? Have you felt like this? Do you understand? Do you have advice? I know I should stay away from guys, but what other friends do I have?