Pain

You know what’s hard? Trying to find someone to fill that hole in your heart. But what’s even harder, to be with someone when your heart is filled with someone else, eventually your mind will follow. It’s hard to control that yearn for your true loves touch, and kiss. It’s hard to watch all these romantic movies and listen to all these songs… My mind is just on one. This is really hard. It’s hard to be alone, it’s hard to accept that you aren’t with the one who has made who you are today. It’s very painful to see your future plans crash around you when that person says those horrid words… It’s hard to say goodbye. Will I ever say Goodbye?

It’s dreadfully painful. I don’t even know if you read this anymore.

There is a lot of stress going on now. My family is getting worse… I wish I could tell him this, tell me that things will work out in the end. I guess not… Anyway, My mother came into work crying and I was scared. My father lied to us, again. He said he was gambling to be able to pay our house bills, but he is probably cheating. I had a connection with my mom the other day; I came to her for help. Today, she came to me. She is in pain, and I don’t want her to be, I realize my father is not the man for her… I had a idea, but I can’t do it. I’m thinking about it though, moving out, saving money, buying our apartment and working, quitting school… I could. I really could, it wouldn’t be that hard, seeing as I don’t really have many attachments anymore…

Okay, on an up note, this week was pretty ridiculous. On Monday, I got dumped, then I got popcorn spilled all over me. On Thursday I got bad memories and some small regrets and a coke poured on me, then yesterday I got perfume sprayed in my mouth and nose. It was funny…

…

These songs are painful. I’m trying really hard to get over you, but why is it that all I want is you… Any hug and smile and laugh from anyone else just reminds me of you. When I see you at school, I want to look away, I have to, I force myself too. If I look at you, I will want you even more. I try to stay busy but my mind always returns to me. I’m going to hurt someone soon, I can feel it… I can’t last any longer… God. I’m tired of this, I can’t find anyone yet, It’s taking to long. I don’t want another failed relationship in this small town. I don’t want to think of all the other ones or compare the new ones. I have changed for you, but have you ever tried for me? What do I do? What do I do?