Life · Myself · Relationship · Thoughts · Writing

January 1st, 2012

I can’t believe it’s here.

A while ago, I wanted to spend the first day of the year with my boyfriend. A new year, a new… refreshing start. That’s kind of what I was hoping for. To be honest, this wasn’t the best New Years I’ve had. All the ones I have had before were when I was single, so it was normal, except for last year, but I don’t know what I did. I think I just slept. I spent midnight and hours before it with my mother. I took a drink of a fuzzy navel for the New Year, a drink to ending my worst year ever. I took a sip of Tequila with my mother, symbolizing that we were a bit closer. It doesn’t feel like it though… I don’t know what is going to be different this year… I know I miss my boyfriend like crazy, I love him more than I ever knew I could, thanks to a devastating break up that I initiated. Thankfully we are back together, but I don’t know if we are stronger than ever, or so fragile something can easily break it…

What is my New Years Resolution?
*I want to love, care, think, and take into consideration of my boyfriends feelings.
*I want to be closer with my family.
*I want to spend less time dawdling on the computer, and actually do something.
*I want to make and keep friends.
*I want to try and fix broken or hurt friendships.
*I want to write, draw, sing, and do more things that I like to do.
*I want to change how I do things.
There is a lot more too…

I love my boyfriend, so, so much. I don’t really show my feelings or take his into consideration when I do things. It’s hard, really hard for me. When I first started dating him, everything was amazing, I knew that it had to be him. I have never been with someone like him. This was at the beginning, when he came to my house, I had a lot of firsts and he was surprised… And now I am thinking, he must of done that with his past girlfriends… But it’s the past. I don’t know what to do really, things have changed so much. I cheated on him, and it still hurts. I don’t know how to accept it and some of the things I do, hurt him. I don’t know. My mind is just jumping place to place, a part of me is saying that if you hurt him so much then you shouldn’t be with him, and another part is screaming don’t give him up, try and heal him. I don’t know how. I desperately wish I could erase it all, a small part of my wishes that I could erase myself from the world. It’s hard, these conflicting things in my mind. It’s driving me nuts and so badly do I want to cry over it all. But I won’t. I don’t want to cry…

I rambled to long.

School starts on the 3rd, and I need to finish typing December Never Ends, so I will update later.

Happy New Year!

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