Very…

I’m very lonely here in my bedroom; with no noise except the sound of the computer tower running, the faint background sound of the telly in the living room, and of course the sound of my fingers hitting the keys as I type these sentences. I feel so alone right now, I know I am not, but I feel like it. My book ended up as a happy yet sad ending, which was very unexpected. The show I just finished ended up sad in a peaceful accomplished way. I feel sad… Lonely.. Scared…

My boyfriend is staying at a friend’s house, and I am a bit jealous, for many reasons. One; he is having fun while I sit here alone like always. Two; there is a girl over there, and I do not think very highly of her. I trust him not to do anything, and I really have no right into think that he would and kind of say “how would you feel if…(insert hypocritical horrid comment here).” It doesn’t really work well and he knows how I feel about it already… I’m being really sad right now, and right at this moment I am texting him and I don’t know whether to let him go have his fun and not be burdened with my sadness or do the exact opposite…

I have been thinking today, have I changed, at all, and I mean really changed… Have I? I am worried that I am going to go back into my same old pattern again, and everything will fall back into place. I know one thing… I’m not jealous of every girl he talks too… I am only jealous of one. A particular one… She happens to be a good friend of ours… When my boyfriend and I broke up previously, he started getting feelings for her, I was very upset with that. Furthermore, when we got back together, I still knew about those feelings that he holds for her. I eventually asked unnecessary questions that I did not want to know the answer too. My mind took a turn for the worse and now, every time I see them talking or touching in any way, or when ever I just see her… I feel uncomfortable and tense. I know he knows I feel like this, and I know that he is with me and not her, and that he loves me… However, I can not help but wonder what will happen in the future. I know she is completely capable of taking him, or just making him hers. He already likes her… She is also so much more beautiful, talented, easy-going, understanding, she is especially not difficult, or pushy, or so jealous. She knows how to accept things, and let go of things. She is emotionally stable. She is everything that I am not… I am jealous of her… I never wanted to be jealous of her… I feel like I don’t want to see her, but I really do… I wish he would never have told me he liked her… I feel like he is now looking at her when I am with him… It makes me want to cry…

Anyway… I finished the book called Numbers by Rachel Ward. ~325 pages in a couple of hours. I say that is good timing. I can read a book a day with as much free time I have. I really liked that book, the ending was unexpected, there was a twist and it was really strange… I cried.. First time crying to a book, I think… I cried then I laughed. There was some great humor. If you really had thought about the book during time intervals of reading it then you could see it coming, but since I basically read the whole book in a day, I never had time to think about what was going to come next. I just kept reading.

I need to find another free reading book now, it’s going to be a bit hard. Well, I don’t know what to do now, I guess I will wait for this man to call, and I will try to be happy, not to bring his day down.

Bye bye.