March Already!?

I can’t believe that it’s already March! Time is flying by so fast and I can’t seem to remember it. I haven’t even been writing everyday because I’ve had no will to write. I started my new job yesterday and I have to say that I am very excited. I want to learn everything about it and become an expert. That’s one of my favorite things to do.

My cat is missing. I presume that he is dead because its cold outside and I doubt he would be able to survive there for 2 plus days. It makes me feel very sad. I want to adopt a kitten, but I can’t find any either, and I want to go to a shelter!

I don’t know what else to write too. I cleaned my room massively? I got a new mattress. I got a new tattoo. It’s a metatron cube. My car should be getting fixed this coming up weekend. Hopefully. Spring and summer is right around the corner! My birthday is in less than 2 month. The big 20.

Sadly, that’s all I have to say right now. I am not motivated to really write. I will definitely write when I get the urge and the ideas.

Journals and Notebooks

As a non-frequent writer, I am obsessed with notebooks and journals of the sort. They are intriguing and beautiful to me. I love that the pages aren’t used and the bind isn’t broken. I like the idea of a fresh notebook, but that idea is also very daunting. Personally, I think I have to write in that notebook correctly. If I mess up, the notebook becomes useless. I haven’t finished a complete notebook. I doodle pages so I can finish it easier or I rip them out. I probably shouldn’t do that. I want my notebooks to be awesome, but they aren’t.

I would like to say that I finished a notebook! I still tore some pages out and doodled on a few to fill it up faster, but hey, it is finished. I almost succeed in writing everyday, but they days I didn’t write in it, I made up for by doodling, or reviewing that day. Day one was Monday, December 29th of 2014, and the last entry was Sunday, February 15th of 2015.

I’m proud of myself, for the most part. I plan on going back through it and reading and writing it online, then maybe throwing it out of turning the pages into origami. I think that would be cool and a neat way to recycle.

This is a short post, because I don’t have much to say, I will update more later. I moved and stuff, so I gotta talk about that later too.


I am not sure about understanding things. I am afraid of the unknown, yet things that are unknown by me become very intriguing and I want to discover them. I have an overwhelming sense of wanting to discover things, even if I am afraid of them and what the outcome of it could be. I don’t understand it, and that makes me even more uncomfortable.

I meet all these amazing people everyday, and I wonder to myself ‘how do these people understand and how do they feel about these things that scare me.’ I want to know because other people’s ideas can help me shape my own ideas. I am not taking other people’s opinions to heart, I am just letting them get the edges of the paper wet. Does that make sense?

I want other people’s point of view on things that I second guess myself on. I always second guess myself on everything and what I really don’t understand is how I can simply do something without even thinking about it. It is kind of like how I talk or rant. It isn’t like writing where I can reread and take out what needs to be taken out. I say it as I think it. It can be all jumbled as thoughts too, but I will say the thought out loud and I wouldn’t be able to understand it. It doesn’t make any sense.

Anyway, I lost track of what I was really talking about, but I don’t feel like going back and reading it. I want to talk about my urges to leave Iowa. I want to get up and walk out and see a new sight, but it isn’t as easy as it seems. I have things here that I want to cherish. I figured out that I am afraid to start anew as well. The idea of it is scary, and I don’t want to be alone for it either, but in a way, I do. I don’t understand anything!

Right at this moment, I have a frightening urge to be someone out of the comfort zone. I want to do all these things that scare me. Right in this moment, I have an urge to be someone else but it scares me and I don’t understand how I, who is scared of it, can have that urge. It scares me so much, but I feel like I’ve gotten so far that I have to keep going. I keep looking back and remember things that I said I would never do and look at me. I am here, and doing something I couldn’t see. I am quite amazed at how somethings really do change, but I am so amazed that I had a thought like that once. I have gotten into a different scene since I’ve gotten out of high school and I have gotten used to the person who is carefree and ready for anything, and now that pace has slowed down so I am reverting back to who I used to be and I keep jetting to the past and remembering things I used to say that I scoff at now.

I have to say that I am so happy that I am the person now, because if I was still who I was, I wouldn’t really be who I am supposed to be, now would I?

What I really hate is I am a person who is easily pleased, and equally disappointed. I am slowly trying to quit that mindset, and trying to become a version of myself who is easily pleased and hard to disappoint. That would make things so much nicer.

I want to do so many things and I keep thinking that I am an old woman and that I can accomplish anything but then I keep thinking that I am so young and that I can do absolutely anything that I put my mind too, and I really think that I should keep with the later, but that is super hard as well. It’s all about mindset and mine is really hard to change.

I’m hoping this new year to really get out of shell that I created for all those years. I want to be different, and better but still retain things that I hold dear.

I really am changing and now that I keep realizing it, it kind of scares me.

Future Ideas

I have been planning out my future ideas out. In my head, sometimes on paper, or even here or in a few emails to my friend in Idaho. Here, I am going to explain a few things about my love status and what happens and how I think about things.

As many of my friends know or you readers might know, I tend to fall for someone fast. I am an easy going person and people are able to make me happy easily. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a short time, but a while ago when I saw him again for the first time (it was before we dated and we became just friends). I had a feeling that I want to know him as more than a friend. I don’t understand why I get those feelings, I am confused by them but I follow them anyway. Even if I get hurt, it is an experience that I want and will probably need later on in life. It is kind of like a theory, you never know unless you try and so I tried and I am still trying. I don’t really know how to go about it, but I know that in the beginning I tried not to come on too strong because I do that a lot, and I don’t think it really worked.

I had a lot of fun when we hung out and I told all my coworkers that I really liked him and it was insane how much I enjoyed his company and then he stopped talking to me out of nowhere, because his phone broke. I had no way to get into contact with him and I was even debating on showing up at his work and telling him off. In the end, I didn’t because I knew better, but oh did I want to and so did my friends.

After a while of not texting, I still had his number in my phone and I decided to text him when he actually responded. He got a new phone and lost all contacts, I still don’t know why he stopped talking to me, but it doesn’t matter anymore. It was chance number one that I gave him. We hung out more and talked a bit. He wasn’t very good at texting (he still isn’t) but he is getting better. Anyway, we ended up getting closer than ever and I made him ask me out, he’s never really done it before but he was super stoked as was I. We dated for a while and I met his mother and his good friends and I kept getting closer to him and I felt so amazing and I was super happy. Then I went to his friends house one night and some alcohol was involved and he stopped talking to me for almost two weeks. Then, I texted him a breakup and that was it. We didn’t talk for about half a month if not a month and then I deleted all of his information and I regretted that. I wanted to talk with him so much that it hurt, and even at my monthly dance party that I go to, I was in a corner all night unhappy. It was horrible, and I left and then a couple nights later he got a hold of me right after I wrote about him on here. I was shocked and I freaked out, we talked on the phone for a bit and I cried and then he asked if he could come over, and he did. We talked and I cried some more and we made up. We were still in a friend stage. I was giving him his second chance and I was okay with that. Not a lot of others were. He isn’t really messing up this time. One night we were talking and I just wanted to hold him and touch his face, and I did. We went to dinner with my family a little bit later and while we were on our way there, I grabbed his hand and drew letters in his palm.


Sadly it didn’t go so perfect, I had to ask him a couple times like that until he got the letters and he grabbed my hand and wrote his reply.


I know it is a horrible way to say that, I teased him about it too.

“Sure, just sure? I ask you out and you say that?”  He laughed about it and so did I, and just to confirm it, I texted him and asked if he was being serious and he was and here we are now. He spends a lot of time with me, and at work. I am surprised that he quit smoking and also he doesn’t hang out with his friends as much, which is okay. I was very surprised by it. I am super happy.

Slowly I am starting to dream of a future where he is involved. Every now and then I see glimpses of him next to me in my dreams or him with me in different places that I want to be in. He is getting so involved in my life and I find it amazing.

Tattoos & Thoughts

Tattoos are a hard thing to describe for me, why I get them, what they mean. It all has to do with my not yet finished life story. When I was little, I lived in Wisconsin, and I-from what I can recall-was very happy and satisfied with life. Then I moved to Iowa and then I became insecure. I moved here around the age where everyone had their cliques and group of friends, so I was naturally a castaway. I didn’t have many friends and any friend that I found, it seemed like my brother somehow stole their attention because he was better in a sense. I’ve felt like this up until I graduated high school, and even a little bit after that until I got my first tattoo, which were the wings that I drew. I absolutely adore them. They signify my ‘coming of age’ and my love for the world outside of boundaries. They also signify my love for running and that freeing feeling that I get when I run, it is almost if my feet can take me anywhere that I want to go. I want to fly through life but not speed through it or stumble through it. It is to signify that I made it through the hard times, and it even got to the point where my wings meant so much to me that they made me feel like me.

I’ve always had this feeling that I am living someone else’s life, that I am not really living, and this because of the shit that I’ve been going through. Don’t fret friends, I don’t think like that as much as I did before and that is quite amazing. I never thought I would get this far. The tattoos that I have and will get are things that I honestly believe will be true my whole life, hence the tattoo. It is hard to describe but I want them on my body to help myself realize that I need to be myself in a way. It is almost like a reminder that I need to be true to myself and don’t change for others. The tattoos that I get are for me and not for anyone else, they all represent something that I love and have loved for a long time, and by long time I mean as far back as I can remember. They make me feel like the body that I am in is my own and that I am not trapped in someone else’s because sometimes I feel like I control how I do things and I don’t want to feel that way again, and I haven’t unless I really get stuck in the metaphorical mud of sadness, and I’m so glad it’s mud because it used to be quicksand.

Some many people have helped me just by being in my life, the people I worked with at Palmer’s and I am so grateful for the people I work with at Stuff etc. It’s absolutely amazing and I can’t reiterate it enough. I love working there and it makes me feel like I am who I am. I am a people person, and I felt like I wasn’t ever able to perceive that before, but I started changing when I got out of high school and started doing things that I wanted to do. Getting tattoos that I want in order to make me feel at peace or at my center may be bad, it may the incorrect way of thinking as well, but the way I see it. It is the incorrect way for others to judge why I get them in the first place, we all have our morals and we don’t like when others judge them. I just wish I was better with spoken word so I could explain myself properly.

I mean, the best way to say why I get tattoos is because they make me feel like myself, people take that in different ways, and sometimes don’t understand it. It’s hard to make others understand but sometimes they just can understand, and that will be okay.

Money and Other Stuff

Money is a big issue, I understand why it is needed but then I start thinking, do I really understand it? I personally think money is needed to keep order and things in check but then things get over priced and stupid and my thoughts lead all the way back to, why does money have to exist. We can do everything we are doing with out money, money doesn’t make the world go round, money shouldn’t make things easier, money is just an additive and puts people into social classes and then the government says that our social class is what defines us.

I don’t understand it at all, and I should probably stop thinking about it since it isn’t going to change.

On another term of money, I am currently looking for a part time job, or a temporary job so I can get some extra money that I can use on myself or should probably save for my desires, like tattoos, music festivals, travel. I should probably do that. I want to. I have the Note 4 with a rent to own contract and I am actually going to return it because that cuts down a lot of my money, I am also trying to write more articles for so I can get some more money and also level up my future writing career. Textbroker is pretty awesome, just saying. I am also trying to get my photography known so I can work on that and hopefully become successful in that hobby and eventually pick up some gigs to travel to different places and write about them while taking photos. I also should save up money for travel writing classes and photography classes.

I do want to go to school, but not at the moment. Currently I want to get to know myself a little bit more so I can be content with who I am the MAJORITY of the time. Right now, I am content a little above half of the time, but I want it to be most of the time. At the minimum, I will allow 1 to 2.5 bad days a month. I want to be happy with myself and know who I am. I know that sometimes but not all the time or most of the time. I want to change that, and I am slowly working on it and when I feel content about things like that, I will feel more comfortable to go to school and focus on work and not stop going because I feel sad and afraid. Do you understand?

One of my 2015 goals is to read more books that I have and try not to buy anymore, since I hardly ever read them. I want to read all the ones that I have not and then I will figure some more things out. I have a lot of books of writing too, so it’ll help me in the long run. I want to make myself become the avid reader that I strive to be.

Now here is something that I have to admit to myself. I’ve always tried to make myself believe that I have no regrets, but that is a flat out lie. I try to live with no regrets, but I regret a lot and I am going to try and let it go, TODAY. I regret doing that things that I did to people I know and cared about. I regret hurting them and being stupid in a way. I regret bitching out a lot of people because I didn’t have my way. I absolutely, 100% regret staying in my own circle. I was never really comfortable with myself and I am trying to be. Back in middle school and highschool, I regret not trying to do anything and being how I was. I regret not attempting to look at the bright side and deciding to get myself out there and not be afraid to fall. I was so afraid that I locked who I was within myself and as I’ve been told, all those things could have happened to me because the other kids were jealous of how I was, and I still don’t believe it. I REGRET not getting a job when I was younger but I don’t regret holding my first job for 3 years, and that could’ve been different if I got a job sooner. I REGRET not saving money. I regret that the most and I regret that I still don’t save money. I need to try. Here is something else, I DO NOT REGRET giving all that I was to my first love, no matter how fast we moved. I learned a lot and loved harder than I have recently during that period of time. I DO NOT REGRET speaking my mind to mother about how I felt and I don’t regret getting kicked out. I do regret how I handled the situation.

All in all, I regret a lot of small things, but the big things.. I find that I don’t regret them. Even though some of them could have been very negative to me later on, it was still an experience that I had and it changed the way I was. I learned and I am still learning. I will never stop learning until I die and that is the biggest thing that I look forward to, learning more and more and becoming a better person that might one day change the world or might one day cause a domino effect on people that I encounter everyday. That is one of the reasons why I love people. I never know who I will help whenever I say “Hello, how are you?” Even if I am in a bad mood, I always try to pry myself out of it and think of others. I am not the only one living on this Earth and I sure as hell won’t stand by to see someone suffering. Even if I can’t do anything for them, I think talking and noticing them and trying to help can help in its own way. Helping people and doing things for others make me feel amazing and it is like my own high, and I absolutely love it. This is why I am a people person. I love seeing others happy and smiling, it makes me happy too.

Devils and Flowers

I saw the devil last night, saw him in my dreams, he was a beautiful as I remembered him to be and he didn’t change at all. The winter may have hit him a bit, but nothing too drastic. The devil seemed so real when I dreamed about him; his face, eyes, nose, lips, hair, skin. It all seemed so real, so real that I forgot that I was dreaming and I slept next to him that night. I woke up in a bit of a rush, the sound of my alarm jerked me awake from my awkward slumber next to the devil himself.  I felt a kink forming in my neck and my back was already hurting and as I rolled over, I saw him. It turned out that it wasn’t a dream. He was real and I remember that I snapped proof of his existence in my presence. He was gone from my life once and now I have proof of him there, and hopefully he won’t disappear again. In case no body figured it out, right after I finished the post yesterday,here, the devil ex boyfriend himself messaged me and got back into contact with me. I nearly had a heart attack and I was happy and sad and terrified to get answers.

I got a few and it appeared to be both of our faults, I won’t get into it because I don’t want to discuss it again, it was just something stupid yet not so stupid. He apologized and I cried, a lot. He kept apologizing and I said I’m sorry a few times too. I was a wreck, I thought I would never see him again and everything just happened to be turning around. I’m going to see him again. I asked him what he wants from me and he is unsure, and so I told him to think about it. I will give him a second chance, because I believe in them. This time, he might actually listen to me when I say he needs to tell me when I do something that he doesn’t like.

I have realized that I love flowers. I have flower pants, a flower purse, a few flower notebooks, a flower scarf and even a flower tattoo. I just discovered this, and I feel like it is incredible. Lord knows that I love cats like crazy and now I love flowers just as much, I mean, there even pink flowers. I am changing everyday and I am seeing it and I love it.

I am feeling better after working today as well, I just love people and I saw quite a few regulars that made me pretty happy and that is always good.

Eighteen Thousand

I just logged into a computer with Rent-A-Center and I found out that I have 18,000 views. That’s super exciting! I have a goal to get 20,000 views before the end of the year. I have been bored all day, hanging out here in town for hours. I played a lot of games and talked a lot. I got a lot of pictures and I’ve seen a lot of people that I see at work. I think it is kind of awesome. My work is closed at 5 PM today, so I want to go there before I leave for home. I want to buy some stuff, but I get paid on Friday so I can totally pay off stuff then.

I am trying to be happier, in a better mood. I just need to stay out of the house and do things. I need to bring my workbook with me wherever I go so I can spend time working on it anywhere, for example, right now. I could be writing and working on my book and get things done rather than playing games and being lazy.

Have you ever found it easier to work in the bright light rather than working in the darker lights that are more ambient? I can’t really work in darker lights because I get tired and I feel like I can’t read things clearly like I can in brighter light settings like in high school.

I do miss school, I had a lot of time to do things that didn’t matter even though I should’ve been doing homework. I feel like I am out of place and doing nothing but honestly, I am trying to accomplish a lot of thins without having to go to school. I don’t have the money for it and I don’t feel ready to go back to school. I just wish I could take a month break from everything. I want to save up so much money and go on a year trip around the world. Its going to take a lot of money but I really want to do it. I so want to, I yearn for it hardcore. Its so painful how bad I want to travel around. I want to go alone and be off in the world on my own and I kind of want to barely make it around the world. I want to experience everything I can in a short amount of time and I want to have the best time of my life.

I want to feel like I am living a life worth living.


The winter months have arrived in a grave circumstance. I am honestly afraid to be alone. I really am. My current boyfriend is gone, I can’t do that no matter how much I like him or think I love him. It really sucks and I am trying my hardest to stay positive. Driving around helps, but it sucks that the weather is crappy.
I wanted to find someone that I can spend the holidays with this year, but I guess not. Its really hard, I’m trying not to be in a dark state of mind, but it is hard.

I mean c’mon. I am freaking amazing! If you knew me in person or avidly read my stuff, you’d be able to tell that I am amazing, absolutely amazing. I have my faults but they make me amazing. I am a wonderful, beautiful, person but why do some people not see this? I can barely see it myself, but I am getting better.

God, I like him so much, I want him to realize, like his friends, that I am amazing. It’s whatever though, I care about it and I shouldn’t. I want to find someone that will fit me. I want to so bad, but they’re hiding.

I need a change.


So, I had an excellent morning. I felt like it was perfect. Everything went awesome and my boyfriend and I had breakfast too! I am at work on break right now and it is pretty nice.
My friend however is having a hard time and I don’t want to shove my happiness in her face. Ahhh troubles.