August

Summers almost over, here’s what I’ve been up to!

I’ve been working at Teavana since March, and I absolutely love it. I’ve been getting into tea so much, that I am almost addicted to it! I need to get a Breville because I am lazy, but I also want a cast iron tea pot because that is the only way I’ll drink traditional tea. I quit my other job at stuff, which put a hindrance on my money situation but that’s alright-I spend it all anyway. I finish reading Looking For Alaska, it took me a total of four days. That’s a tiny bit of information there.

Now, I did move from my old place, with my boyfriend. We live with his dad, and I can say that it is very nice! It is so clean and fresh, smells neutral which is great. Smoke free which is awesome. Jimmy(my boyfriend) and I are just trying to get things figured out and then hopefully save money to move to Washington with my grandparents. Right now he is making me a Quesadilla, I can’t wait. Living here has provided me with time to feel relaxed and focused. I can feel like I can actually accomplish the things I want. Reading, writing, drawing, etc. I’m happy, kind of stress free, but still really happy. Jimmy enjoys his new job, and I hope that I get my team lead position for Teavana so I can have more experience and get more pay!

I’ve been reading Mindfulness yoga by Frank Jude Boccio, I want to really enhance my innerself and outerself. I want to better myself overall so hopefully that will help. I have to work in like 30 minutes, so I will get back to you later!

Hello

Hello all, it has been quite a while since I have wrote anything worth saying. I haven’t had much inspiration lately, but I am feeling pretty decent right now. A lot has happened since I turned 20 this past Tuesday, I am still trying to take it all in, but for now I will start somewhere in the beginning.

I’d like the mention the me in the past, say high school… or even just a year ago, would have never expected to see myself where I am now, or go through what I have gone through. Last year April, I spent my tax return on a plane ticket to see my friend Sawyer for the first time. It was one of the best times in my life so far and I will never forget all the fun I had, people I finally met and got to meet, as well as the scenery that I had a chance to see. Sawyer has been my online friend for quite a while and I was super stoked that I actually got to meet him and it turned out great! When I got back home, I was still working at Palmers, didn’t see myself leaving or anything of the sort. I didn’t expect to get kicked out of my house in June and live with a good friend Sam, and then I definitely didn’t see myself getting kicked out of her place, but back then, I didn’t really understand money situations. Last year, I also got introduced into the rave scene. I am not a druggie or anything of the sort. Yes the rave scene is associated with those habits, but all the people that I have met through that scene are amazing people and they have shaped and added on to many of my beliefs today. I have learned a lot from those people that I met and still meet. Later on that year, I went to a music festival called Bushwak and thats when I really felt at home with all those people that I’ve met. I met people from all over Iowa and some even out of state. I hung out with everyone, laughed with everyone and danced and played games with everyone. Slip n Slides, climbing trees, hula hoops, fire dancing, gloving, poi lights, campfires, rainstorms, camping, hammocks, and all that jazz with a lot of people. Everyone was my friend there, it was wonderful and I’ve never experienced such joy after high school. During that time, I moved back in with my dad because I didn’t want to live with my mom again (after she kicked me out the first time). I also spent more money on a plane ticket to see my grandparents in Idaho for almost two weeks. It was absolutely the best time I’ve had as well. I missed them so much and I loved seeing how much my family members have grown. I love getting to know my cousins a bit more and meeting new people. It was a short trip but I enjoyed every minute of it. I experienced a lot of new things and took a lot of amazing photographs out there. When I got back I was a little sad though. Work was just the same but i talked non stop about my trip. I lived about 10 minutes away from work and then one day, I got really fed up with working there, all the stress and sickness I felt from being pushed so hard and stressed on made me unhappy to work there, so I quit. The next few days I got a job at Stuff Etc. Another Iowa only store. Amazing how I do that. It is my first time working in retail and I love it so far. I’ve been there since september. Around that time, I met my current boyfriend. I knew him in high school, we were kinda friends. He was and still is a very strange kid. We got along, I gave him my number because I wanted to get to know him again because we both changed a lot. We hung out and then one night I pretty much asked him to ask me out and so we started dating. It took a bit to understand each other and figure things out, but we got there or here I should say. It took me a while to realize that I can’t manipulate him to give me what I think I need out of everything. Sure I want things, but that is because I’ve grown up reading all these things that make relationships more than relationships. I’ve come to realize that relationships are not always about seeing each other non stop, or talking non stop, or receiving and giving gifts all the time. Every relationship is different and I have come to know that my relationship is different. It is a whole new level from when I dated before, and I at first was not okay about all that jazz that didn’t happen, but as time went, I realized that I want to be with him and therefore he is a gift in itself. I don’t need all sorts of presents from him, I just want him.  Besides the less money he spends on me, the better for what he needs to pay off. Right?

So far so good. The new year is right around the corner, and I had a great time with his family and I am sure he had equal amount with mine. Nothing quite so amazing happened in January or February. But in March, I decided to get a second job to take up my free time at home because I do nothing anyway, so why not get a second job. I started working at Teavana, and it is my first job in sales, and so far so awesome, haha. My boss says I am doing a great job and she’s working with me and teaching me a lot of things. I love it and I learned to love tea more than ever. I had my 20th birthday on the 21st of April and that was when things started moving faster. My boyfriend moved in, and so far so good-again. I really enjoy seeing his face every day and knowing that I will see him soon makes me happy. I like coming home and seeing his stuff slowly get comfortable in my room. Sadly it isn’t as big as his, but it’s alright. We are planning on building a loft bed to make more room. We already sound proofed a wall. We got a few summer projects to do. And here I am today. Writing this and soon to be straightening up the room. I am going to make a list of Summer to do things. Next week is a big week for me though.

I work at Stuff Tuesday through Friday, 8:30 am to 4 pm. Then on Saturday I work 2 pm to 8:30 pm. At Teavana, I work Tuesday though Thursday, 5 pm to 9:30 pm. Friday night I have off, then Saturday I work 10 am to 1 pm. Sunday I work 1 pm to 7 pm or 3 pm to 7 pm. It’s going to be a rewarding and exhausting week and I don’t know If it will stay that busy.

Thankfully Mondays are off for me. So I get to relax a bit, and its a good thing that the two places have two different atmospheres or else I wouldn’t be able to do it, I think.

Well, I spills whats been happening recently and now I have to work bit here then, actually go to work. I will keep you all updated again. I just need to get out of the rut with my writing, and I will once things get semi organized around here. It is still a little hectic.

March Already!?

I can’t believe that it’s already March! Time is flying by so fast and I can’t seem to remember it. I haven’t even been writing everyday because I’ve had no will to write. I started my new job yesterday and I have to say that I am very excited. I want to learn everything about it and become an expert. That’s one of my favorite things to do.

My cat is missing. I presume that he is dead because its cold outside and I doubt he would be able to survive there for 2 plus days. It makes me feel very sad. I want to adopt a kitten, but I can’t find any either, and I want to go to a shelter!

I don’t know what else to write too. I cleaned my room massively? I got a new mattress. I got a new tattoo. It’s a metatron cube. My car should be getting fixed this coming up weekend. Hopefully. Spring and summer is right around the corner! My birthday is in less than 2 month. The big 20.

Sadly, that’s all I have to say right now. I am not motivated to really write. I will definitely write when I get the urge and the ideas.

Journals and Notebooks

As a non-frequent writer, I am obsessed with notebooks and journals of the sort. They are intriguing and beautiful to me. I love that the pages aren’t used and the bind isn’t broken. I like the idea of a fresh notebook, but that idea is also very daunting. Personally, I think I have to write in that notebook correctly. If I mess up, the notebook becomes useless. I haven’t finished a complete notebook. I doodle pages so I can finish it easier or I rip them out. I probably shouldn’t do that. I want my notebooks to be awesome, but they aren’t.

I would like to say that I finished a notebook! I still tore some pages out and doodled on a few to fill it up faster, but hey, it is finished. I almost succeed in writing everyday, but they days I didn’t write in it, I made up for by doodling, or reviewing that day. Day one was Monday, December 29th of 2014, and the last entry was Sunday, February 15th of 2015.

I’m proud of myself, for the most part. I plan on going back through it and reading and writing it online, then maybe throwing it out of turning the pages into origami. I think that would be cool and a neat way to recycle.

This is a short post, because I don’t have much to say, I will update more later. I moved and stuff, so I gotta talk about that later too.

Things To Do

I have a lot of things I want to do with my life, and right now, I am finally starting to see them happen. I see my goals down in front of my and then I see a very blurry path. Granted, it is blurry and I can’t really tell where it is or how it will be, but it is 100% better than not being able to see it at all.

Everyday, the blur lessens. That makes me feel slightly happier with how things are going. I feel like I am getting better at handling some situations, and that makes me feel confident and happier.

I did something today that I haven’t done in a bit. I drew something seriously. I drew a bit more, but I tore out the pages because I feel like I wasn’t trying hard enough. Then I got an idea to draw something, so I did. I didn’t draw the exact idea, but it was pretty close and I am pretty satisfied about it. I drew a wolf. Half of a wolf face. i wanted to draw a wolf as the main focus and then a evergreen in the background. The paper is 4 x 6″, so it is fairly small. I’m not used to an enclosed drawing space for legitimate hard work, I am pretty proud of myself.

I’m getting things figured out, and I am going to try and focus on a better lifestyle. Sadly, the winter weather sucks, but I have to deal, and I will. Slowly. I’m debating on what to do with my taxes. I am thinking about buying a camera lens, or a shutter remote or a flash extension or something for my camera. A new camera bag, or something. Or I might save it for later and use it to traveling expenses and dinner dates with my boyfriend.

By the way, can I say that my boyfriend is absolutely amazing. He told me that he feels good when he is with me, and I think it applies to anything that we do. I’m pretty sure I also get him out of the house and get him to do different things, and the same thing applies to myself. My favorite thing about us, is our conversations. Its different and, what I feel with him is absolutely amazing and 100% percent different from other dating experiences. I just want him to know that he is absolutely amazing. Though, I do tell him anyway.

I’m still stuck on what I want to do for my moving situation. I have to help my mom and my dad move. I don’t want to. Unless I get paid for it… Doubt it, I will still have too. Here’s a little pro-con list of moving

PROS:

  1. Closer to the gym
  2. Closer to gas stations, and stores
  3. Closer to work
  4. Closer to my boyfriend
  5. Everyone I hang out with is in the vicinity
  6. House is finished

CONS:

  1. Relatives moving with us (I’m uncomfortable)
  2. I’d like to be with my mom
  3. Renovating will be hard
  4. Always had problems with the trailer

Overall, the pros definitely out number the cons. Sadly, half of the cons deal with an emotional side that is hard to overcome. I don’t know how it will affect me mentally and I don’t want it to be negative. I’m perfectly find with it being neutral and not changing anything at all. It’s obvious which one I should choose, it is just hard for some reason.

Understanding

I am not sure about understanding things. I am afraid of the unknown, yet things that are unknown by me become very intriguing and I want to discover them. I have an overwhelming sense of wanting to discover things, even if I am afraid of them and what the outcome of it could be. I don’t understand it, and that makes me even more uncomfortable.

I meet all these amazing people everyday, and I wonder to myself ‘how do these people understand and how do they feel about these things that scare me.’ I want to know because other people’s ideas can help me shape my own ideas. I am not taking other people’s opinions to heart, I am just letting them get the edges of the paper wet. Does that make sense?

I want other people’s point of view on things that I second guess myself on. I always second guess myself on everything and what I really don’t understand is how I can simply do something without even thinking about it. It is kind of like how I talk or rant. It isn’t like writing where I can reread and take out what needs to be taken out. I say it as I think it. It can be all jumbled as thoughts too, but I will say the thought out loud and I wouldn’t be able to understand it. It doesn’t make any sense.

Anyway, I lost track of what I was really talking about, but I don’t feel like going back and reading it. I want to talk about my urges to leave Iowa. I want to get up and walk out and see a new sight, but it isn’t as easy as it seems. I have things here that I want to cherish. I figured out that I am afraid to start anew as well. The idea of it is scary, and I don’t want to be alone for it either, but in a way, I do. I don’t understand anything!

Right at this moment, I have a frightening urge to be someone out of the comfort zone. I want to do all these things that scare me. Right in this moment, I have an urge to be someone else but it scares me and I don’t understand how I, who is scared of it, can have that urge. It scares me so much, but I feel like I’ve gotten so far that I have to keep going. I keep looking back and remember things that I said I would never do and look at me. I am here, and doing something I couldn’t see. I am quite amazed at how somethings really do change, but I am so amazed that I had a thought like that once. I have gotten into a different scene since I’ve gotten out of high school and I have gotten used to the person who is carefree and ready for anything, and now that pace has slowed down so I am reverting back to who I used to be and I keep jetting to the past and remembering things I used to say that I scoff at now.

I have to say that I am so happy that I am the person now, because if I was still who I was, I wouldn’t really be who I am supposed to be, now would I?

What I really hate is I am a person who is easily pleased, and equally disappointed. I am slowly trying to quit that mindset, and trying to become a version of myself who is easily pleased and hard to disappoint. That would make things so much nicer.

I want to do so many things and I keep thinking that I am an old woman and that I can accomplish anything but then I keep thinking that I am so young and that I can do absolutely anything that I put my mind too, and I really think that I should keep with the later, but that is super hard as well. It’s all about mindset and mine is really hard to change.

I’m hoping this new year to really get out of shell that I created for all those years. I want to be different, and better but still retain things that I hold dear.

I really am changing and now that I keep realizing it, it kind of scares me.

Writing

I am proud to announce that I have actually been writing everyday since, Monday the 29th of December. My note book is halfway full because I find my self writing a page or more about my day. I also find my self doodling and exploring the length of my ruler and the ideas that come through to the paper. I had goals to write everyday and to work out a lot, and I am at least making one of them happen. I haven’t been to the gym much, but when I go, I work my butt off.

What has been going on with me since December 29th? I’ll give a summary of each day. I think I will do this if I don’t post as much as I have before since I get distracted by the wonders of the internet. Without further ado, lets start on the cover of my notebook.

When I open my notebook, I see my three 2015 goals which are bolded on my post about my resolutions and stuff, here.

12.29.2014: I hung out with my boyfriend a little bit, but sent him home because he was getting sick, I got a gym membership with my dads girlfriend and we worked out later that day.

12.30.2014: Went to work at 8:30 AM only to discover that I worked at 4 PM so I made a rash decision on my gas and bank account to drive up to Cedar Rapids which is about two hours away, and go see a friend. Came back home and worked and work when I actually got off work. It was a fun drive, Jimmy is still sick.

12.31.2014: I was hoping for a New Years kiss. I dreamed about my boyfriend. He is still sick, I didn’t get a New Years kiss and I was actually upset.

1.1.2015: I was upset about my boyfriend, I went and saw The Gambler in theaters out in West Des Moines and gave a late x-mas present to a good friend of mine. He liked it. Jimmy still hasn’t talked to me, but I figured I shouldn’t brood over not hearing from him. The movie was decent. Was told by my dad that I am antisocial. I was going to read a book, but decided to read manga. Later on, I revised on the idea of a New Years kiss and became happy just to be with Jimmy and I hope he is okay. Wrote a note to him.

1.2.2015: Youtube on laptop, in bed relaxing. Work was busy. Jimmy texted me, and my mood skyrocketed. Bought stuff for myself, and kitty cat. Worked out. Asked Jimmy to pick a number over text, I numbered my books, and he picked #2 and that was the book Stephen King, On Writing. I wrote a poem.

1.3.2015: Worked, made paracord bracelets. Reading manga, surprise visit from Jimmy. Super happy again. Gave him updates since he was sick, shared my feelings.

1.4.2015: Worked. Talked with customers about my dreams. Handed out blog name. Jimmy came over and woke me up when I fell asleep.

1.5.2015: No water, donate, back home. Shoveled at Jimmy’s, dinner, fireplace, romantic house date. It was absolutely amazing.

1.6.2015: Work. Wal-mart. Car accident.

1.7.2015: Couldn’t work, no ride. I was pretty upset. Hoping boyfriend could give me a ride. He was busy. Doodled. Drank too much tea, got sick.

1.8.2015: Talked a lot at break at work. Donated. Doodled while donating is hard.

1.9.2015: Went to work, when I didn’t have to. Dropped bag off. Payed bills. Stopped at Palmer’s. Doodled a complete page.

1.10.2015: Mistaken my schedule again, 8:30 AM instead of 2 PM. I hate when that happens. Arguments at home. Couldn’t find headphones. Wrote about future travels.

1.11.2015: Tried to throw my sim a birthday party, but the game kept crashing. It doesn’t want me to have fun.

1.12.2015: Emotions. Doodle to take the feelings out.

1.13.2015: Doodled. Wrote about Jimmy.

1.14.2015: No ride to work. Upset about everything. Late evening, spent with Jimmy.

1.15.2015: Practice crappy cursive. Worked, and enjoyed myself. Apologized for being unable to attend work. I absolutely hate it. (if I lived closer/if it was warmer, I would ride my bike.) Plan to work out later with a friend. Practiced Japanese.

1.16.2015: More cursive, livestreams. Meeting, breakdown at home, got extra shirt from work.

1.17.2015: Makeup, bad night won’t prevent a good day. My first half-price sale. It was fun. Work about Jimmy’s likes. He surprised me around midnight.

1.18.2015: The day isn’t over yet, I wrote a textbroker artice, and I plan on doing some stuff today. But cramps suck.

There you have it. My journal so far. My goal is to write everyday this year, and I will make it happen. I want to fill up some notebooks that I don’t use, and why not write everyday.

No Sense

Hello readers, it feels like it has been a while since I have actually written anything. My new years goals/resolutions are going alright so far. I’ve been keeping up with my journal but I have been lacking in the saving department. I’m trying, my boyfriend kinda knocked some sense into my brain, if I really want it, then I can do it. I really want it, so I can do it. I just need to actually crack down and tell myself no. I’m going to be selling some of my stuff, some of the precious books that are all in good condition because I haven’t touched them. I just want to keep a list of them all.

I have all my pictures and memories on my wall, so I am going to get a scrapbook going for them all, so I can get my room more organized, I guess.

My gym workouts are great, I love it, I love working out and feeling fit and relaxed and better.

So, something happened today, I was on my way home and I got into a car accident. I am alright but I can’t drive my car for a while. I’m pretty upset. I was really scared and afraid because it could have been much worse and that’s what scares me, and a big thing that makes no sense is now I feel like my freedom has been sucked out of me. I can’t drive as freely as I used to, I spent money that I could have saves on gas. I’m shocked about it and it sucks.

On the other had, I had the most amazing day with my boyfriend yesterday. I will get into the fantastic details later because I want to work out.

Future Ideas

I have been planning out my future ideas out. In my head, sometimes on paper, or even here or in a few emails to my friend in Idaho. Here, I am going to explain a few things about my love status and what happens and how I think about things.

As many of my friends know or you readers might know, I tend to fall for someone fast. I am an easy going person and people are able to make me happy easily. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a short time, but a while ago when I saw him again for the first time (it was before we dated and we became just friends). I had a feeling that I want to know him as more than a friend. I don’t understand why I get those feelings, I am confused by them but I follow them anyway. Even if I get hurt, it is an experience that I want and will probably need later on in life. It is kind of like a theory, you never know unless you try and so I tried and I am still trying. I don’t really know how to go about it, but I know that in the beginning I tried not to come on too strong because I do that a lot, and I don’t think it really worked.

I had a lot of fun when we hung out and I told all my coworkers that I really liked him and it was insane how much I enjoyed his company and then he stopped talking to me out of nowhere, because his phone broke. I had no way to get into contact with him and I was even debating on showing up at his work and telling him off. In the end, I didn’t because I knew better, but oh did I want to and so did my friends.

After a while of not texting, I still had his number in my phone and I decided to text him when he actually responded. He got a new phone and lost all contacts, I still don’t know why he stopped talking to me, but it doesn’t matter anymore. It was chance number one that I gave him. We hung out more and talked a bit. He wasn’t very good at texting (he still isn’t) but he is getting better. Anyway, we ended up getting closer than ever and I made him ask me out, he’s never really done it before but he was super stoked as was I. We dated for a while and I met his mother and his good friends and I kept getting closer to him and I felt so amazing and I was super happy. Then I went to his friends house one night and some alcohol was involved and he stopped talking to me for almost two weeks. Then, I texted him a breakup and that was it. We didn’t talk for about half a month if not a month and then I deleted all of his information and I regretted that. I wanted to talk with him so much that it hurt, and even at my monthly dance party that I go to, I was in a corner all night unhappy. It was horrible, and I left and then a couple nights later he got a hold of me right after I wrote about him on here. I was shocked and I freaked out, we talked on the phone for a bit and I cried and then he asked if he could come over, and he did. We talked and I cried some more and we made up. We were still in a friend stage. I was giving him his second chance and I was okay with that. Not a lot of others were. He isn’t really messing up this time. One night we were talking and I just wanted to hold him and touch his face, and I did. We went to dinner with my family a little bit later and while we were on our way there, I grabbed his hand and drew letters in his palm.

“WILL YOU BE MY BOYFRIEND”

Sadly it didn’t go so perfect, I had to ask him a couple times like that until he got the letters and he grabbed my hand and wrote his reply.

“SURE”

I know it is a horrible way to say that, I teased him about it too.

“Sure, just sure? I ask you out and you say that?”  He laughed about it and so did I, and just to confirm it, I texted him and asked if he was being serious and he was and here we are now. He spends a lot of time with me, and at work. I am surprised that he quit smoking and also he doesn’t hang out with his friends as much, which is okay. I was very surprised by it. I am super happy.

Slowly I am starting to dream of a future where he is involved. Every now and then I see glimpses of him next to me in my dreams or him with me in different places that I want to be in. He is getting so involved in my life and I find it amazing.

Being a Creative Writer and Artist

Being a creative person, a writer and an artist. I tend to have a messy yet organized lifestyle. I usually have all my things in a messy order in which I still can’t find anything. I know what general area they go to but I can never find them. It’s pretty bad, I know. I came home today and found my room picked up and neater than normal. Things were in their place and I was quite pleased. My boyfriend got bored and cleaned it for me, that makes me so happy and I definitely think it was right to give him a second chance, despite what everyone else thought. It is my choice anyway and it is my life. I thought I would let everyone know that I am doing great with my boyfriend. I’m slowly getting better at managing my money, as long as I don’t go out and eat, which is what I’ve been doing. If I didn’t have to pay for my fathers bill, I would be okay with money, and I am also generous towards others. I have no problem with it. I just need more money, so I am still barely looking for a second part time job, I am not so motivated to do it yet. I am still writing for money which is awesome and now I want to get more photography business which would be perfect. I am also selling some stuff on ebay and I am ready to sell somethings at my workplace. I don’t need a lot of the stuff that I have, it is just stuff. I love it all and don’t want to part from it, but I don’t need it. It’s difficult.