Tag Archives: life

Everyday

I’ve been writing everyday, in my notebook, or on my Facebook. I’ve been writing, and sadly it has yet to get on my blog. Today is the day though! I will post the things that I’ve written on Facebook, here, after I write a little back story for me.

For many days, I’ve been dealing with sadness and I’ve always hated some part of myself. I am trying to change that, to become the me without a shit ton of baggage. I understand that everyone gets sad, but I am overly sad. Sad to the point where I don’t want to eat, where I can’t sleep, and all I want to do is lay in bed and surf the web for nothing-hoping that I might drift off into la-la land. Well, I am not letting that happen anymore. I used to be content with staying the same, saying that I want help and all, but never getting it because I didn’t really want to. It was my comfort zone and now it is making me uncomfortable. Life in general is uncomfortable but I am trying to make it my new comfort zone and being depressed doesn’t help me.

I met a lot of amazing people over the labor day weekend, and that kind of opened my eyes. I am more eager to find love, even though I keep getting heartbroken by people who fall for, because I fall fast. I’m picky but when I have an interest in someone, I like to know them and get to know them… Anyway, since I met amazing people at the music festival Bushwak, I decided to change for the better. I am changing my outlook on a lot of things and I am trying to find inner peace more actively. I quit my job because it made me very unhappy and I was stressed out to the max. I became ill all the time, excessively tired and so stressed I didn’t have my period for two months and now it’s back and it hurts. That is the second time where stress from my job caused me to lose my period. I’m over it. I loved working bakery and doing all that, but it got stressful later on when I was still trying to master it. Changes made it harder on me, so I left and instantly, I got relief. The next couple days, I got my monthly and I am happy to say that I will be getting back on track with the pursuit of happiness.

I am pushing myself out there. Looking for love, looking for friendship, expanding my horizons and trying to always say yes. I’m going to change my hair as many times as I want to, dye it every color possible, get piercings, and tattoos. I am going to attempt exploration and eventually, I might be able to feel like I am a 19-year-old. Currently, I feel like every corner I take, I am getting one step closer to death, to an eternity of unhappiness. I feel like I am old and tired and that nothing is possible for me. But I’ve been told by someone that I am young. I am beautiful, and I have so much potential for the world that I can’t even fathom it. I believe it. I believe that I am those things, and I am going to do everything in my weak will power to strengthen it up, to make myself happier and to make a future that I can see.

On that note, here are the posts from Facebook.

24.5

23

22

That’s all of them so far. If you find me on Facebook, you can add me, I have no problem with that. More friends the merrier, and talk to me! I would like to get to know you!

Three Year Anniversary and Boa Constrictors

Today is apparently my three-year anniversary with WordPress, hooray! I’ve never really committed to something this long, besides work-which in November, will be my three-year.

Today also happened to be my pay-day, and also the day that I am broke because I like to spend money on things. Don’t get me wrong, I spent money on things that I needed, like underwear and things for my animals, however, I did lend money to my mother and also my father and I also… kinda… sorta… bought a snake.

A new one!? Yes, yes, yes… I know what you’re thinking. Why did I buy a snake? Well, because I miss and regret getting rid of Emlen, and I went back to the place to see if he is still there, and he wasn’t, so I bought another one because I love them, and they are amazingly fascinating creatures… Also, I went through the trouble to get my aquarium and most accessories for it, so I bought a snake with most of my money. I haven’t gotten a name for it yet, but I am thinking of one! I have to feed it next Saturday since I just moved it.

It is a tiny one, and it is a Red Tailed-Boa. Beautiful!!!

Festival Number One!

It’s Wednesday and I am totally ready for it to be Friday! Then again, who doesn’t wish it to be Friday, like always. I have a big weekend coming up! It is my first 3 day Festival of Music and Art. I’ll be camping with my friend Jen and we will be dancing the night away. I’m super excited and nervous, since I’ve never been to one. I’m really excited, I’ve already met so many amazing people at Sub Sonic and here I am going to meet so many more friends. It’s Labor day festival weekend and I have Friday off and Monday off. HOLIDAYS!

I’m super excited, super excited.

On other news, this person that I hung out with last Saturday hasn’t replied to my texts, so I am getting paranoid that they don’t want anything to do with me. This would be the third time this happened. I’m getting upset about it, but I know either way I will be alright. It will just take a while this time. I never know what to do, I really want to hang out with them again, and get to know them more, but I don’t want to keep texting and just saying ‘Hey’ and waiting for a reply. I really thought that this person wasn’t like that, and I am trying my hardest to be optimistic about it, but I am just such a pessimist person that is becomes a hassle. I can’t help thinking negative things, but I am trying and Sub Sonic and this music festival has been helping. I’ve been opening my horizons and becoming happier. It’s a day in paradise.

It’s just hard to focus on positive things when I feel like life will just keep repeating all the things that make me feel the worst. Any advice on this topic?

Bedroom Style

I finally have the ability to drive to wal-mart and buy things without the help of others. I feel more like an adult now-out in the real world. I bought a couple things for my still unclean bedroom. I got a temporary closet, a laundry basket, a book shelf and a bed frame. All of which is useful and makes me room feel like home. 

I hung out with one of my friends/acquaintances from middle/highschool today too. I saw him at my work and gave him my number, I figured why not. Haha, and we hung out today. Last minute decisions to go swimming at the beach and then walk along the shore. I found a lot of shells, and if I knew I would of been doing that, I might have brought some other crap to help with shells, like a jar or something. Instead, I took pictures. After the sunshine, we ate at a China Buffet and then I showed him some youtube videos that sum up what I do with my free time. Gassy MexicanSeaNanners, MarkiplierPewds and many more. These are my top four though.

It took me a while to actually clean my room. I have a lot of books! So many. I also have a lot of laundry to do. And, of course, one last tid-bit, I don’t work on Monday!

So Much To Do

Hello everyone, it’s been a while! A lot has been going on and a lot has yet to be done! I got back from my trip in Idaho on the 5th of August, and let me tell you guys a secret… That place is fantastic. I was in Northern Idaho visiting my grandparents near Coeur d’Alene. I got to visit with my three adorable cousins, and my aunt and uncle as well as my amazing grandparents. I also got to meet a handful of other cool people. I hope that I can move there in the next year or so. Iowa is getting worn out, especially since I didn’t have a car or a license.

Speaking of that, I got one on the 6th and I’ve been driving since! I like it a lot, it makes me feel more free and powerful with all my aspirations! I am now working on getting a car of my own, either my dad will get it or I will get a loan and go to a dealership. I need to get my own car, and then insurance. I of course have to plan  out my money-saving tactics as well. It’s going to be tough I guess, but I like a challenge, when it comes to myself.

I have a lot going on, besides being extremely lazy. I have a lot of photographs to edit and upload from my trip. I finish my friends photo shoot and I have yet to choose the best and upload those to my Facebook page. I have to work on my grandpa’s logo design for his company and some other things for it too. I, like I said, have to get the photographs from Idaho sorted out. I bought two classes for photographing and editing on groupon, and I they each are three-hour long classes, so I have to get those over with. I need to call the place and I guess set up and appointment or something, then I need to actually go and learn.

On Thursday, I went to the Iowa State Fair and attended the Farewell to Summer Dance Party by myself. I need to learn how to introduce myself to people and be more out there. People individually interest me, but as a group, I feel threatened. I need to remember that most places like these, the people are either drunk so they don’t care or they aren’t paying attention to you. I need to remember that. I ended up sitting around for an hour until I finally got off of my ass and danced. I met some people in the process but I didn’t get their names. It was a blast and I only got in one photo.

This Friday is Sub Sonic’s first Stoplight party. Single’s wear green(Thats me!), It’s complicated wear yellow, and Your taken, it’s the color red. There aren’t a lot of attractive clothing for green, I noticed. I am thinking about buying some green leg wraps on Amazon, but I’m not sure yet. I have my outfit planned, and I can’t wait.

Since I can drive, I can go to a lot of different places now and that is what I am excited about, life is started to look up since I am in control.

Idaho

I’m currently in Idaho, on m grandfathers laptop. He is in the kitchen making my grandmother a salad and my cousin is talking with her at the moment. I have a long week ahead of me and I hope to have a lot going on. I can probably do photoshoots of my cousins, who happen to be beautiful. 

I plan on taking a lot of photographs of the wilderness up here, it’s amazing already. Life seems to be good and clear up here, but that is probably because I am not going to be working, and I haven’t been here for a long time. I am going to make the best of the 11 days I have to spend here, and maybe someday I will move here. 

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday…

The days blend together like coffee and creamer. They seem to create one long line of my lifespan in which nothing new happens. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Monday though Friday, the same old routine. Wake up later than I should, get to work, work, get off of work and come home. On occasion, I will have a photo shoot to attend to, its rare though. Life has been a mess lately, I feel left out of a lot of things because of my own choices that are the correct ones, I know for a fact. Even though it makes me upset, somewhere in my mind, I don’t care at all.

I’ve learned that I am over-excitable when I am meshed with photography. I get geeky and weird when I notice that I take an amazing photo or that an unexpected photo turns out to be awesome! I get too excited for my own good and I feel like I scare people away. I also adore writing more and more, this post at the moment is written after I wrote another one since WordPress updated and doesn’t automatically save. I lost my words and decided to put it to rest for a day. I was going to write an apology for not being as active, I have been underwater for a while. I discovered that my love of writing/typing exceeded my expectations when I started writing this post. My train of thought blew up when I noticed the blank spaces and I just grabbed onto the fleeting inspiration and started to type about it. This probably doesn’t make very much sense.

I just want to say, that today is a very beautiful day, even though inside of my mind and heart a rain storm was taking place, my physical body was in bliss with the warm sunshine and the gentle breeze in the warm air. The day went by rather slowly and I began to hate myself more and more every few moments. I had a conversation with myself about what I didn’t like, it was more of an argument than a conversation. She would say something that would provoke me to yell inwardly towards her. It was sort of ridiculous, but that is how I try to get myself out of a stump.

I fell over a stump a few days ago and I’ve sunk under the fallen leaves of my happiness. Its been this way for a couple days, how covered I am. I need to focus on things that I love, when I am writing, I feel happy and at bliss. I can properly convey my feelings and thoughts, even though they still get jumbled up. I can’t properly talk, and all I do it spit out words. I am not allowed to think when I speak, I can’t remember exactly what I say, which is why writing is perfect for me. I can remember easier and it makes me feel like I am worth something more and that is a happy feeling. Its just like photography, I am doing something that I love, and it makes me feel like I am someone and that I exist.

I am currently writing many stories all at once, I am figuring out chapter seven of B.O.Y. since I am writing it as I go. It’s hard, I am already at a stump, I don’t want to put too little action and leave it boring, but I also don’t want to shorten the length of this story. I still don’t know where this is going to end up, but I have a shoujo idea in my head. I have too many ideas to comprehend and I need to write them all down before they fade away.

So I went to Wisconsin for the fourth of July weekend, and absolutely loved it. I adored returning home and experiencing the differences in then and now. I was reunited with my childhood friend, Emi. And that was like a scene from a book. In less than two weeks, I am going to Idaho again, to see my grandparents, and I am super excited! I can’t wait to see Idaho and where they live. I feel like going to these two places are going to be my deciding factors of where I am going to be living. I want to move out of Iowa and get a bigger picture. The inspiration is draining here and I feel like I have been here for too long. I am an adult now, and I want to fulfill my dream of experiencing the world. It is going to take a while but I am willing to try.

I have a lot of amazing pictures of my Wisconsin trip, check them out here!

I’ve been working a lot, and just recently, I went to Wisconsin and got back in contact with my childhood friend Emily. I got some amazing photos of fireworks and I even got some great architecture photos of downtown Milwaukee. When I got back, I’ve been doing a bunch of other things. I’ve been focusing on my camera and editing skills. I just had a photo shoot of my friend and her boyfriend. It was my first couple shoot’ and it turned out great. I got a lot of awesome photos and I still have more to edit and upload tonight.
Go check it out here!
I have a photoshoot on Sunday of my coworker and her child and I am trying to get more people to do it. I have yet to hear back from two people and I lost the number to another. I can apparently try to get hired at a photo studio in target or something. I’ll try that.

Senses

Every sense in my body is for you. Every sense is used for you, and I cherish every bit of information I receive from my senses.

My Sight

I see you, here in front of me. I look at you, who is looking at me. Our eyes share a connection and no one else is in this moment. My eyes hold your gaze as we share secret conversations. My eyes expose my emotions, I look at you with sweet feelings of love and caring emotions. Hopefully, when you look into my eyes, you sense those feelings of longing and how I wish to be with you.

My Smell

I smell your must, your cologne, your sweat. I call it sexy, seductive, and somehow sweet. I can smell the things that make you, you. The faint smell of tobacco, the scent of sweat mixed with body wash and cologne. I can tell its you, and I breathe you in because it is so sweet and calming because you are this close to me.

My Hearing

Your voice, deep and strong. It swirls in my head as you tell me about yourself. You breathing is deep and relaxing, I match mine with yours. I hear you shuffling around while we sit facing each other. I hear my own thoughts about you and think about voicing them for our conversation. I don’t though. My ears wouldn’t be able to block your sweet voice’s response.

My Touch

I feel your words resonating through me as I lay my head on your chest. I feel your skin and your hair. You are right here. Your words hit home and I feel set aloft in this moment. You are here, caressing my skin and I can feel your touch, your callouses brushing against my arms and shoulders. I put my hands on your arms and feel your skin, I know that you are here in this moment, but I can feel that you are gently pushing me away, because you say you have to go.

My Taste

I can taste your lips against mine, its sweet. As we talk, I can taste the bitter thoughts in the back of my mouth. I swallow my thoughts and whisper other sweet words that tasted tart. You open your car door and the dull taste fills my mouth and I want to tell you not to leave, but you’d say that you have to and I don’t want to say my emotions. I kiss you once more, and the last thing that is left in my mouth is the sad taste of you leaving me here.

I feel like I have accomplished a lot of things today, I did stand up to someone who has been pushing my buttons and has been getting under my skin, of course that person denied doing anything to outcast me in any way. She later apologized to me for any actions that made me think that way. Work was pretty busy, it was memorial day weekend so everyone assumed that we were going to get wiped-out. I however, didn’t know what to expect, I have sadly been slacking a little bit the last few weeks, and it is sad to hear that from myself, but it is true. I am using this week to switch it around and I will successfully switch it around. I got a lot done today, I still have a lot to do tomorrow to attempt to get ahead of the game, but it won’t be as bad as it was today.

I just finished the book, The Fault In Our Stars by John Green and it was pretty unexpectedly intense. I cried a lot, let me tell you. I love books that bring so much emotion out of me. The other books that have done that were Memoirs of a Geisha Arthur Golden, White Oleander by Janet Fitch, and Allegiant by Veronica Roth. I love the books that make me cry or laugh or just plain feel emotion. 

I am actually proud of myself today, yeah I didn’t do a lot of the things that I wanted to do, but I did finish a book, and I didn’t spend the majority of my life off of work on the internet. I did talk to someone that I have wanted to talk to for a while, Skype preferably! We chatted for while and it is great, it made me pretty happy. I’m pretty sure that person doesn’t know how happy it makes me.

Thats all I can really think up right at the moment, my brain is sizzling out.