I am rewriting December Never Ends, that means I am going to update the page on my blog at some point. I am changing the game of the story, I want to improve it and make it more realistic and not so ‘twilight’ like. Don’t get me wrong! Twilight is a good story, I just want something that I write to be something else. I want a mix of everything to be in it, so I am going to be focusing on this project for a while. I have it all written, I just need to add more and fix some.
The winter months have arrived in a grave circumstance. I am honestly afraid to be alone. I really am. My current boyfriend is gone, I can’t do that no matter how much I like him or think I love him. It really sucks and I am trying my hardest to stay positive. Driving around helps, but it sucks that the weather is crappy.
I wanted to find someone that I can spend the holidays with this year, but I guess not. Its really hard, I’m trying not to be in a dark state of mind, but it is hard.
I mean c’mon. I am freaking amazing! If you knew me in person or avidly read my stuff, you’d be able to tell that I am amazing, absolutely amazing. I have my faults but they make me amazing. I am a wonderful, beautiful, person but why do some people not see this? I can barely see it myself, but I am getting better.
God, I like him so much, I want him to realize, like his friends, that I am amazing. It’s whatever though, I care about it and I shouldn’t. I want to find someone that will fit me. I want to so bad, but they’re hiding.
I need a change.
I’ve decided that I am single. I’m going to try and tell my ex that we are no longer, I’m trying but he doesn’t talk to me. I can’t do it anymore. I really like him, really really like him, but I can’t have this sad feeling in a relationship. I don’t like it, and it sucks that I feel like this.
I’ve asked advice from a lot of people and I’ve been thinking long and hard, I don’t want to break up over the phone or over texting, I don’t want to intrude on his friends place, and I don’t want to just leave it be. That isn’t what I do. I can’t get into contact with him, so I don’t know what to do anymore… I might have to send the message over text…
I give my all in relationships, I give my all. I am an open book, I will tell you what I want, no tricks involved. I’m carefree to a point, and I will say something when that point gets hit. I’m not quiet, I’m talkative. Just sitting next to someone makes me happy. I try hard to be open minded, and it does come easy. I’m curious and adventure filled. I feel that I am an amazing person with a tough way of thinking and an insecure yet ironically confident when I am comfortable. If I’m able, I will do anything to help. Its like my fortune cookie just said.
Nothing is impossible to a willing heart.
Im going to try to be better at myself and understanding of others.
I’ve been making bracelets to pass time lately, I’m enjoying myself as well. I am making some for my friends and I made some and just gave them out to people. It makes me happy that people like them. There has been a lot of crappy things that have been going on, some personal issues that might be discussed about later in this post or in another one at a different time.
I want more beads to make bead buddies and some other ideas. I’ve been drinking a lot of soda lately as well, and I have been drawing more too. I’m trying to get back into a habit of writing, drawing, and doing something that fuels my creative sides. I’ve been driving a lot and I am actually feeling like I have some more friends. It makes me happy in a way, to feel that I am not alone. I know I am not, but I feel like I am the majority of the time.
It snowed here already, I was happy and also sad. The lovely fall weather is pretty much gone, and here comes the freezing winter weather. I don’t really like being cold, but I have a new car that actually works well and has heat which is important.
I’ve been really into listening to Sam Smith lately, and the playlist Evening Chill on Spotify. I absolutely love it and the songs make me think and I get lost in a different world. Its lonesome but it is precious to me. The music speaks to me and I enjoy it a lot.
I don’t have much to say since I lost my appetite for words because I am thinking too much, but I wanted to let anyone know that I am okay.
Its human nature to want more and more, is it not? All I want to do is want something. I want something to ease my tired thoughts of sadness and I want something to boost my happiness to the ultimate level. I want it up so high that I’ll want something to bring it down because it’s driving me insane how happy I am.
I go back and forth between wanting and not wanting something. There are a lot of things that I want from myself, from others, my job, my love, my life… There is so much that I want that I don’t know what I need.
(1) have a desire to possess or do [something]; wish for.
“I want an apple”
(1) require [something] because it is essential or very important.
“I need help now”
I know the difference between the two of them. I know what each of those words mean. The thing I am not fully sure of are the feelings that I relate to those words. I know what I need and what I want. I know that very clearly, but what I don’t know is what I need from other people or things. I want love from someone, my boyfriend for example. I want him to love me for who I am and I want him to just show his affection, but I don’t know what I need from him, and I don’t know if I need anything from him, because I just get these emotions that just bottle up inside me from other relationships.
I have a lot of insecurities and I have written about them before, but many new ones have appeared over the past few months. Before I started dating my boyfriend, I was looking, obviously. I met amazing people and I liked them each a lot in their own way and I have very strong feelings for them. I am easy to like people for many different reasons and I believe it isn’t a bad thing. Each of these guys drew me to them. I really liked them as I said and I talked about them and hope for something with them. After talking with them for a while and my feelings growing, they would stop talking to me. Not a word to be said and nothing to be heard. This has happened for a while now. It happened a long time ago to someone whom I cared about very, very deeply. He just stopped talking and I was heart broken. About a 8 or 9 months later I met someone else who held a lot more promise in my heart. I fell instantly and that was a hard blow. He made promises and lied to me and I fell for it all, because… what was going on was perfect. I didn’t have doubts or anything and I thought, “hey this might be it!” I was horribly wrong. I fell so hard and it hurt so bad when he stopped talking to me as well. It was extremely intense, and I am still at a loss for those feelings. I don’t understand anything, and now I have unnecessary worries whenever someone stops talking to me even if they’re busy. This goes back to what I want and need. I don’t know if I need someone to talk to me if I am in a relationship with them or if I want them to. I definitely want them to talk to me. My boyfriend right now is balancing work, friends, and me and a few other things. and I don’t want him to pick one over the other, but I want him to talk to me and let me know what he is doing, I get worried that he is going to stop talking to me like all the rest, but he isn’t like the rest.
I trust him a lot, but I don’t know if him talking to me is a want or a need. When I am with him, I have no worries at all and I am happy as can be just being next to him. There isn’t anything wrong at all, but when I don’t hear from him, I get lonely and sad. Emotions come out and I don’t like it. I want to be relaxed and happy, but I am not. So I blame myself for having nothing to keep myself entertained and just waiting by the phone. What do I do? What do i do with my life to be the one who doesn’t text? I don’t have a life, I work, have a boyfriend and come home. I have nothing else.
I have nothing else that keeps me entranced in my own little world, so entranced that I forget about my phone. I just keep waiting.
I don’t know what I want in anything. I do but, I don’t. I want that feeling to be a need, but I don’t.
I want to be a writer, I am one. Look at what I am doing right now, look at what you are reading. This is my blog, its my life, my emotions. I want people to be reading this and relating and telling me things, giving me feedback. I want to be here, in the moment and not feel like I am lost in the internet. Do you understand? I want to finish a book and have it published and have a copy in my room that I can look at. I want that accomplishment. I apparently don’t want it that bad since I don’t work for it. I need help to get things done, I need help with my emotions, and I want it. I want to be happy, I need to be happy, and I just keep going back and forth with my happiness and sadness.
I want to see my boyfriend, I want to monopolize him and know what he is doing. I want to know his habits and his quirks. I want to know more about his hobbies and his lifestyle. I want to know him more and more and I want my mind to be filled with him because it makes me happy to be so entranced with someone that I just feel present and alive when I am holding his hand. I don’t think he knows this either, why am I so happy in his presence and when I am not all these horrible thoughts cloud my mind. I don’t know.
What to do, what to do. I am going to eat, and I am going to write and I am going to get lost in a world that is so real to me that when you get lost in it you will never want to leave.
I don’t know if that makes any sense but it sounds pretty awesome to me right now.
Thank you for reading and following along in my life of ups and downs, I know I keep saying this, but I will write more. This blog is the longest one that I’ve been able to keep and I am super stoked about that. Please, if you have any advice of your own or just want to tell me something about yourself, tell me. Comment. I want to know everyone. I have a thirst of knowledge and I want to know how you became who you are.
So, I had an excellent morning. I felt like it was perfect. Everything went awesome and my boyfriend and I had breakfast too! I am at work on break right now and it is pretty nice.
My friend however is having a hard time and I don’t want to shove my happiness in her face. Ahhh troubles.
Okay! I know I said I was going to post everyday, but my sickness got worse! I didn’t realize that it’s almost been a week since I’ve been sick. I went from having headaches and a cough to being exhausted, in the E.R. with issues and asking work off because of it. I had a severe headache and my tonsils were incredibly swollen and it hurt to open my mouth, talk and swallow. It was very painful. I couldn’t breathe through my nose, it was clogged and I had chapped lips at all times. I lost my voice for a bit too. I went to the E.R. and got an IV, pain meds, and antibiotics.
I am feeling like I am getting better, but we will see.
I apologize for saying I would update everyday and then not… That was bad but I was ill!
I’ll try it again when I am feeling at least 80% I am at like a 45%, the “I can function but I think I should relax” state. I was at a 5% percent at work yesterday and that is apparently the “I don’t give up because of my strong sense of responsibility” state. I was at a 1% percent state this morning which made me call in and its called “You probably should relax all day and get some strength since its healthier for everyone.”
I am relaxing and getting back up there.
Today is going to be short, I have a serious headache and sore throat. I am probably getting sick. Work was fun today but the pain of my headache dulled it more than it should have been. I really like doing register, I get to talk to pretty much every customer in the store! It makes me happy to talk with so many people. I have discovered that I can probably soak up all information in all different areas and be good at them. It makes me happy that I can probably adapt easily. I am going to bed now, I want some rest.
Here I am again, craving some coca-cola and wishing the headache away. Also listening to my relatives bicker. I am not calling them parents because they don’t act like parents when they fight or argue. Oh well. I want to help fix it but they probably wouldn’t even take in anything that I say.
Today I was on register at work, for the first time. All day. It was actually fun, I was intimidated by it at first since I would have to be even more responsible and I don’t like fucking up or feeling like one, or even disappointing others because of a mistake I’ve made, but I have come to realize that the place I work at, isn’t like that. It’s nice. It actually feels like we are all a team and we are all here to help everyone. It makes me really happy, and comfortable. I am like the job more and more. I miss baking at Palmer’s but I am much happier talking with customers and making new friends and learning new things, I couldn’t necessarily do that at Palmer’s since I was in the back, sort of behind the scenes, baking all the time. I am glad that I am working at Stuff etc. I think it is kinda cool that I keep sticking to Iowa based stores. It’s ironic that I want to move out, yet here I am finding jobs only in Iowa. I got my keyboard from my moms today, I am going to use some time to myself and relearn some things. I want someone to teach me how to read music properly, or else I will keep cheating and using the internet for video tutorials. It’s not a bad thing, but I want to teach myself somethings, and I think it’d be amazing. I want to succeed!
This is a short update, since I did post something already, but I am going to update everything. I am an open book, as me anything! Absolutely anything! I will give an answer if it is appropriate.
Okay, I am starting the book, 1,000 Creative Writing Prompts: Ideas for Blogs, Scripts, Stories and More by Bryan Cohen. I am going to try to attempt every single prompt that is possible, and then if something comes up where I have not experienced it yet, I will make it up and put it into a short story sort of deal. Ya feel me? Sorry, that wasn’t professional. Anyway, I will start-up a page on the main site, and link all my posts concerning these prompts. I might not post a prompt everyday, or I might, and then post some more topics that are unrelated, like what I will do today.
Without further ado, prompt # 1:
Explain your most memorable Halloween: from the candy you received, the costume you wore, the environment of your neighborhood (if you trick or treated) and why it has dwarfed all of your other Halloween experiences.
I was very big into anime at the time, and I had a few shitty friends that I hung out with because my mother worked with her mother,and she was close to my age, I was older though. She was pretty cool, which is what I thought at the time. She was outspoken and wasn’t afraid to speak her mind to whomever. And that isn’t always a good thing… Anyway… I dressed up as my favorite character, Naruto. I didn’t have short hair though, I just work all orange and drew whiskers on my face, and I roller-bladed throughout the neighborhood. I didn’t get candy since I was having too much fun rollerblading. It’s memorable because it is a memory where I was exploring new things, I’ve never attempted to dress up and I was getting out of my young comfort zone. I was also being stupid and trying to fit in where I didn’t belong. I don’t belong anywhere, I am everywhere and I am in my own category. If that makes any reasonable sense. It is also memorable to me because it is when my hardcore Naruto fangirling happened. I was on the Naruto forums, and that is where I met amazing friends, some of which… no most of which didn’t last. Only two actually still continue today. And it’s been around 6 to 7 years since those friendships started. I was really into watching anime at that time, and now I am more into reading it. I like the art and story line. I get involved physically when reading. It’s pretty intense.
That is about it for that little version down memory lane. It wasn’t that much but I just remember dressing up as Naruto, so pretty much I cross-dressed. I don’t know what I will be doing this- just kidding. I am going to be a mermaid. I have blueish green hair and I got the perfect skin tone for my seashell necklace, I don’t know what I will wear exactly though. I am thinking something blue, obviously. A blue dress or something. Anyway, that is all I have for this day.