Tag Archives: life

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday…

The days blend together like coffee and creamer. They seem to create one long line of my lifespan in which nothing new happens. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Monday though Friday, the same old routine. Wake up later than I should, get to work, work, get off of work and come home. On occasion, I will have a photo shoot to attend to, its rare though. Life has been a mess lately, I feel left out of a lot of things because of my own choices that are the correct ones, I know for a fact. Even though it makes me upset, somewhere in my mind, I don’t care at all.

I’ve learned that I am over-excitable when I am meshed with photography. I get geeky and weird when I notice that I take an amazing photo or that an unexpected photo turns out to be awesome! I get too excited for my own good and I feel like I scare people away. I also adore writing more and more, this post at the moment is written after I wrote another one since WordPress updated and doesn’t automatically save. I lost my words and decided to put it to rest for a day. I was going to write an apology for not being as active, I have been underwater for a while. I discovered that my love of writing/typing exceeded my expectations when I started writing this post. My train of thought blew up when I noticed the blank spaces and I just grabbed onto the fleeting inspiration and started to type about it. This probably doesn’t make very much sense.

I just want to say, that today is a very beautiful day, even though inside of my mind and heart a rain storm was taking place, my physical body was in bliss with the warm sunshine and the gentle breeze in the warm air. The day went by rather slowly and I began to hate myself more and more every few moments. I had a conversation with myself about what I didn’t like, it was more of an argument than a conversation. She would say something that would provoke me to yell inwardly towards her. It was sort of ridiculous, but that is how I try to get myself out of a stump.

I fell over a stump a few days ago and I’ve sunk under the fallen leaves of my happiness. Its been this way for a couple days, how covered I am. I need to focus on things that I love, when I am writing, I feel happy and at bliss. I can properly convey my feelings and thoughts, even though they still get jumbled up. I can’t properly talk, and all I do it spit out words. I am not allowed to think when I speak, I can’t remember exactly what I say, which is why writing is perfect for me. I can remember easier and it makes me feel like I am worth something more and that is a happy feeling. Its just like photography, I am doing something that I love, and it makes me feel like I am someone and that I exist.

I am currently writing many stories all at once, I am figuring out chapter seven of B.O.Y. since I am writing it as I go. It’s hard, I am already at a stump, I don’t want to put too little action and leave it boring, but I also don’t want to shorten the length of this story. I still don’t know where this is going to end up, but I have a shoujo idea in my head. I have too many ideas to comprehend and I need to write them all down before they fade away.

So I went to Wisconsin for the fourth of July weekend, and absolutely loved it. I adored returning home and experiencing the differences in then and now. I was reunited with my childhood friend, Emi. And that was like a scene from a book. In less than two weeks, I am going to Idaho again, to see my grandparents, and I am super excited! I can’t wait to see Idaho and where they live. I feel like going to these two places are going to be my deciding factors of where I am going to be living. I want to move out of Iowa and get a bigger picture. The inspiration is draining here and I feel like I have been here for too long. I am an adult now, and I want to fulfill my dream of experiencing the world. It is going to take a while but I am willing to try.

I have a lot of amazing pictures of my Wisconsin trip, check them out here!

I’ve been working a lot, and just recently, I went to Wisconsin and got back in contact with my childhood friend Emily. I got some amazing photos of fireworks and I even got some great architecture photos of downtown Milwaukee. When I got back, I’ve been doing a bunch of other things. I’ve been focusing on my camera and editing skills. I just had a photo shoot of my friend and her boyfriend. It was my first couple shoot’ and it turned out great. I got a lot of awesome photos and I still have more to edit and upload tonight.
Go check it out here!
I have a photoshoot on Sunday of my coworker and her child and I am trying to get more people to do it. I have yet to hear back from two people and I lost the number to another. I can apparently try to get hired at a photo studio in target or something. I’ll try that.

Senses

Every sense in my body is for you. Every sense is used for you, and I cherish every bit of information I receive from my senses.

My Sight

I see you, here in front of me. I look at you, who is looking at me. Our eyes share a connection and no one else is in this moment. My eyes hold your gaze as we share secret conversations. My eyes expose my emotions, I look at you with sweet feelings of love and caring emotions. Hopefully, when you look into my eyes, you sense those feelings of longing and how I wish to be with you.

My Smell

I smell your must, your cologne, your sweat. I call it sexy, seductive, and somehow sweet. I can smell the things that make you, you. The faint smell of tobacco, the scent of sweat mixed with body wash and cologne. I can tell its you, and I breathe you in because it is so sweet and calming because you are this close to me.

My Hearing

Your voice, deep and strong. It swirls in my head as you tell me about yourself. You breathing is deep and relaxing, I match mine with yours. I hear you shuffling around while we sit facing each other. I hear my own thoughts about you and think about voicing them for our conversation. I don’t though. My ears wouldn’t be able to block your sweet voice’s response.

My Touch

I feel your words resonating through me as I lay my head on your chest. I feel your skin and your hair. You are right here. Your words hit home and I feel set aloft in this moment. You are here, caressing my skin and I can feel your touch, your callouses brushing against my arms and shoulders. I put my hands on your arms and feel your skin, I know that you are here in this moment, but I can feel that you are gently pushing me away, because you say you have to go.

My Taste

I can taste your lips against mine, its sweet. As we talk, I can taste the bitter thoughts in the back of my mouth. I swallow my thoughts and whisper other sweet words that tasted tart. You open your car door and the dull taste fills my mouth and I want to tell you not to leave, but you’d say that you have to and I don’t want to say my emotions. I kiss you once more, and the last thing that is left in my mouth is the sad taste of you leaving me here.

I feel like I have accomplished a lot of things today, I did stand up to someone who has been pushing my buttons and has been getting under my skin, of course that person denied doing anything to outcast me in any way. She later apologized to me for any actions that made me think that way. Work was pretty busy, it was memorial day weekend so everyone assumed that we were going to get wiped-out. I however, didn’t know what to expect, I have sadly been slacking a little bit the last few weeks, and it is sad to hear that from myself, but it is true. I am using this week to switch it around and I will successfully switch it around. I got a lot done today, I still have a lot to do tomorrow to attempt to get ahead of the game, but it won’t be as bad as it was today.

I just finished the book, The Fault In Our Stars by John Green and it was pretty unexpectedly intense. I cried a lot, let me tell you. I love books that bring so much emotion out of me. The other books that have done that were Memoirs of a Geisha Arthur Golden, White Oleander by Janet Fitch, and Allegiant by Veronica Roth. I love the books that make me cry or laugh or just plain feel emotion. 

I am actually proud of myself today, yeah I didn’t do a lot of the things that I wanted to do, but I did finish a book, and I didn’t spend the majority of my life off of work on the internet. I did talk to someone that I have wanted to talk to for a while, Skype preferably! We chatted for while and it is great, it made me pretty happy. I’m pretty sure that person doesn’t know how happy it makes me.

Thats all I can really think up right at the moment, my brain is sizzling out.

Library

I always feel motivated to be creative and inspirational at the public library. I don’t know why, it has something to do with the atmosphere and the people that look focused on what they are doing that makes me feel like that. Right at the moment for example, I just spent 10 minutes calculating how much money I spend in a month on bills, some of them that I don’t need but have because it is important to me. I know I can budget on spending if I don’t buy items that I don’t really need. I moved out of my house, I am very happy about that, not only because I am closer to work but because I am living with my friend Sam, and we are helping each other out. I feel very relieved living with her and I feel motivated to deepen friendships or rekindle the fire with some burnt out ones due to school. I am also motivated to do more things that I can, like going to Sub Sonic every month, I feel like I have stated this before, but to me Sub Sonic Social is a place when my dreams are a reality, and that means a lot to me.

I am trying to change things, and that is working slowly. I am boosting up my phone bill so I can get unlimited, high speed internet, since the place I am living at doesn’t have any, Sam and I talked about getting a bundle on internet and cable, but I feel like using my phone for internet is better, I would even leave it at home so Sam could use the internet while I am at work, my phone is a distraction anyway. I’m sure I can find an app that will let me get my texts to my tablet via work Wi-Fi.

I need to sell some things that I am not using anymore, like my old crappy 300 dollar laptop, I need to get everything off of it though, I just don’t know if I can factory reset it anymore since I’ve used it a bit, plus the tablet part of it is broken like always, it is a Gateway Tablet PC and it sucks. I wonder if I can take it to a pawn shop and sell it for 60 to 100. 

I have a feeling the library will be my solace. I enjoy it here. 

Sub Sonic #2

Today is Saturday, at 2 AM this morning, I arrived at my friend’s home and we talked about our night. I was so tired, though. I shut my eyes while she was talking and I spaced out and went into dream world. She realized this and told me to go to bed, so I did.

The Friday before was my long-awaited second S.S.S. (Sub Sonic Social) and all of my friends that I went with last time, bailed. The friend that said she was going to go, bailed, and then Sam, my friend whom I asked about a week beforehand, went with me. She got off work at 10 and I got to her house at 10. I got ready previously at someone else’s house since she was hanging out and going to the same place.

Sam and I hung out, changed, and got ready a little bit more than we headed towards SSS. On our way, however, the police  pulled us over because our passenger brake light was not working, we got a warning and thanks to the police we arrived at 11:30 to midnight. SSS runs till 2 AM so I was sort of disappointed, but the feeling was crushed when I walked in. I made Sam dance and 30 to 40 minutes in she was having just as fun as I was. I met some people who I’ve seen at the last one and it was exciting!

I feel like it is a different world when I enter SSS. My mind is blank and all I think about is dancing my reality away. I even caught a t-shirt and a SSS bracelet. I enjoyed it! It was something free and I won it, I never have that happen to me.

I can see this weekend being really relaxed and lazy. I do have a few things I want to do, but I don’t know if I will be motivated enough, I mean I started writing this around 3 PM and it is already 12:30 in the morning.

Happy mothers day by the way.

I got caught up in Grey’s Anatomy on Hulu and I am going to finish is off today, after I sleep. I don’t know what I will do the rest of the day though.

Security measures

So I am at the airport right now, I got here very early and it was quite and nice. More people came and it was surprisingly not that difficult, I just needed to stop doubting myself. There was a strange noise earlier and I was feeling awkward and so was this other women. We started talking. She is a hairdresser and she lives on the east coast. She was traveling because her grandmother turned 100 and when she gets back she has prom, finals and graduation to deal with. Her 18 year old daughter is the cause. I got a lot more from her but I dont need to discuss it all.
The security checkpoints were nerve racking. I didn’t know what to do and I felt awkward and out of place. When I got done I was shaking because I was so nervous. By the way, im 19 today. It is my birthday, and this us my present to myself.
I just saw a very attractive man, and I hope I sit next to one. That would be nice.

Hard at work

I had a very good weekend. I danced the night away and my troubles seemed to melt away. I hung out with my friend Alex and it was a blast, ya know, knowing somebody that is strange like yourself. I exercised and I felt strong. Emotionally, not physically. My legs are sore still and I love it, it makes me want to work out even more.
I ride my bike to work every day, it’s about 8 miles total, and sometimes it is super windy and it’s hard, I get tired but… somewhere during the time I’m at work, I become better. I tell myself that this isn’t the best I can be. I need to get the most out of this situation. This strong sense of motivation comes rarely and when I have it im too lazy to do it. Today I fixed myself to think positively and attempted to hum all day, or feel light on my feet.
I get to that feeling sometimes, today was like that. I felt a little sad in the morning because I keep hearing things from a second source within my friend group and it makes me feel unimportant but I stopped thinking that asap! I was a little stressed since I was almost out of a few things, I didn’t get all that I wanted done, but I got the majority.
I really enjoy coming in at 630 in the morning. I get more time to do things, and I am less distracted. I am going to try very hard at work this month because I need to for myself.

Citrus kiss

I can feel myself getting sick, my brother, step-sister, and roommate were all sick and now I feel like I am getting something, I took yesterday iff from work to sleep and relax and today I am back, not feeling better but I have tea for that. I bought this citrus kiss tea from goodearth and the flavor is completely opposite of what I thought it was going to brr. Its sweet and tangy, and delicious. It is soothing to my swollen lymph nodes and I feel awake which battles my drowsiness from my medicine. It works well. Im glad I bought it. The taste and smell were so surprising, I had the majority of my coworkers try it and the majority liked it. Im glad. Im becoming content today, and its better than my bitter feelings from this morning.

What was also pretty great is getting a free meal from McDonald’s because I didn’t have cash on me and their credit card machines weren’t working correctly. That made my morning a good one, but it did get disrupted when I got in this morning. I need the mornings to myself and not to talk to anyone because lately I am getting annoyed with some people with stupid decision making. I can’t really change that though.