A Letter to the 15 Year Old Me

You are still young and you have many years ahead of you but I don’t want you to think that he could be your last stop, that this could be the end of your ‘love/like’ feeling. My suggestion to you is to keep your mind open, fall madly in love but its okay to be hurt, fix yourself up and learn from any mistakes, be yourself and don’t change yourself for anyone, Its okay to be alone as well. Find someone who will tell you what he wants and be real with you. My first boyfriend was an amazing person and I only really remember so many good things about him and some bad things but we both had a lot going on for us, we split and it was terrifying and horrible, but I was able to move forward I met another who did break my heart again but not like the first. I felt devastated and alone, like I had nothing anymore and that was it. However, if you hold on for a bit longer you will meet someone amazing just like when I met him… He is real, he is transparent(sometimes), but he listens and he helps me want to better myself. He is amazing and we don’t have everything in common, in fact we are almost complete opposites but we love each other for the passion that each of us have in the things we love and do. Let me tell you, I love that about him. His passion for his favorite things makes me love him. He makes me relaxed. He is so smart about everything and I love hearing him talk. So take your time, go one day at a time and dont fret on the future. You will find someone who is smart, who wants to tell you so many things more than just how beautiful you are. You will find someone who wants to listen to you talk, who can have a conversation about more than just life itself. He will talk about the world and the starts and the sky and his amazing stories that you will get jealous of, but he wants to do it with you too. Trust me. Don’t worry, I know you probably already know these things because you are smart, and you are pretty mature for your age and you deserve better than the people who lead you on. You know what you want and It’s okay to take your time in things. The right guy will want to take his time with you too. Live life for now and find what makes you passionate because you can find someone who loves the look in your eyes when you talk about it, and when that guy comes along.. He is the one and you will have a feeling he is.

Time will heal wounds but it is up to you to accept yourself and love yourself. Take time in everything, go all in and all out, fall down and get up because that isn’t the end of the world. Many people will come and go in your life but everything will be just find because you will find yourself and you will survive so many things. You will have the music that makes you get lost in the world, you will find the books that teleport you to another life, you will find the movies that make you want to strive for living, you will discover so many amazing qualities that you never thought you had. You will experience a lot of good and bad things but that will not be the end of it because your life is always just beginning, every day. Start it with a smile and positive mind because you should know that you can do anything that you really want to. You just have to do it.

Understanding

I am not sure about understanding things. I am afraid of the unknown, yet things that are unknown by me become very intriguing and I want to discover them. I have an overwhelming sense of wanting to discover things, even if I am afraid of them and what the outcome of it could be. I don’t understand it, and that makes me even more uncomfortable.

I meet all these amazing people everyday, and I wonder to myself ‘how do these people understand and how do they feel about these things that scare me.’ I want to know because other people’s ideas can help me shape my own ideas. I am not taking other people’s opinions to heart, I am just letting them get the edges of the paper wet. Does that make sense?

I want other people’s point of view on things that I second guess myself on. I always second guess myself on everything and what I really don’t understand is how I can simply do something without even thinking about it. It is kind of like how I talk or rant. It isn’t like writing where I can reread and take out what needs to be taken out. I say it as I think it. It can be all jumbled as thoughts too, but I will say the thought out loud and I wouldn’t be able to understand it. It doesn’t make any sense.

Anyway, I lost track of what I was really talking about, but I don’t feel like going back and reading it. I want to talk about my urges to leave Iowa. I want to get up and walk out and see a new sight, but it isn’t as easy as it seems. I have things here that I want to cherish. I figured out that I am afraid to start anew as well. The idea of it is scary, and I don’t want to be alone for it either, but in a way, I do. I don’t understand anything!

Right at this moment, I have a frightening urge to be someone out of the comfort zone. I want to do all these things that scare me. Right in this moment, I have an urge to be someone else but it scares me and I don’t understand how I, who is scared of it, can have that urge. It scares me so much, but I feel like I’ve gotten so far that I have to keep going. I keep looking back and remember things that I said I would never do and look at me. I am here, and doing something I couldn’t see. I am quite amazed at how somethings really do change, but I am so amazed that I had a thought like that once. I have gotten into a different scene since I’ve gotten out of high school and I have gotten used to the person who is carefree and ready for anything, and now that pace has slowed down so I am reverting back to who I used to be and I keep jetting to the past and remembering things I used to say that I scoff at now.

I have to say that I am so happy that I am the person now, because if I was still who I was, I wouldn’t really be who I am supposed to be, now would I?

What I really hate is I am a person who is easily pleased, and equally disappointed. I am slowly trying to quit that mindset, and trying to become a version of myself who is easily pleased and hard to disappoint. That would make things so much nicer.

I want to do so many things and I keep thinking that I am an old woman and that I can accomplish anything but then I keep thinking that I am so young and that I can do absolutely anything that I put my mind too, and I really think that I should keep with the later, but that is super hard as well. It’s all about mindset and mine is really hard to change.

I’m hoping this new year to really get out of shell that I created for all those years. I want to be different, and better but still retain things that I hold dear.

I really am changing and now that I keep realizing it, it kind of scares me.

Today Like Any Other Day

Today started out like a day that seemed like any other, besides sleeping in and feeling awesome. I woke up after amazing rest and felt happy. I wanted to get things done. It’s 5:30 in the evening and I feel like this day is already over.

I am sad right now. I feel sad, I feel worthless and I feel hopeless. I never talk about how I feel because I want to be positive, I try to be positive but it is hard today and I don’t know why. I miss people. I miss my ex boyfriend. It seemed like he really liked me, I thought he really… really liked me. There was no indication that he didn’t. He made an effort, he told me things that wouldn’t be told to other people if they weren’t important. I am sad that he stopped talking to me. I am sad that I had to break up with him over texting because I couldn’t do it any other way. I am sad that he hasn’t responded to it, or has talked to me since. I am sad that I didn’t get closure and that I want to see him, and touch him, and kiss him. I am feeling sad because I can’t help that feeling in my stomach that makes me think of him. I am sad because I deleted his number and I don’t have history on my phone so I can’t get a hold of him. I miss him.

I woke up missing him. I woke up with a hollow feeling in my stomach knowing that I won’t see his face when I wake up. I want to know why, but I won’t and that hurts. I had this sad mindset all day, then I got my phones sim card. I was a little happier, I tried to activate it at home and got frustrated so I went to the phone store to activate it and it didn’t work because I forgot my ID at home and couldn’t have them do it. My frustration brought more tears to my eyes. My ex and this phone thing was piling up and I felt like I couldn’t breathe for a second. I felt weak and unable to steady myself, so I drove home. I took a break from trying to do anything because I just wanted to cry but then I got a text message from someone who always seems to save the day. He showed up when I thought about him at my monthly dance club and I got a little happier. I was really sad that day. His text showed up when I was getting frustrated and ready to cry. He saved the day a tiny bit. He is awesome. I chatted with another friend, and then I started telling her about my ex and how I miss him and the tears just came. I told her about my phone and how stupid it is and then I tried to get it turned on. It turns out that the unlocked phone isn’t compatible and I got even more stressed. I have a lot of business cards that I made with my current phone number on it, and then I find out that I can’t even transfer the number to a new service, I feel stressed. I feel very stressed and sad and frustrated. I don’t understand. It was a good morning and now it turned to shit and I didn’t get anything that I wanted to get done, done. I want someone to hold me tight because I feel sad about a lot of things.

I heard harsh words about me yesterday. They were said to my face and the person doesn’t even understand how they made me feel. I know that what they said is true, but I feel like it isn’t and they don’t see it but I feel like it true. I really do and I can’t help it. They called me and inconsiderate bitch, and selfish. I don’t think its true but I really feel like it is now. What frustrates me even more is… I don’t have the gas money to go and see some friends and feel better. I have stay in the house and think about it because I can’t focus on anything else.

I’m just thinking right now that I don’t want to be here. I want to be somewhere else, far away and happy. I want to be happy but I feel scared and sad and alone and I know I am not. I don’t know how to do anything. Everything seems so hard and I can’t focus on the bigger picture, I can’t see the brighter side right now. Everyday is different, and today just sucks and its only 5:30 in the evening. I have hours to go and now I have a headache and all I want to do is cuddle with my ex and sleep, but I can’t because he isn’t here and if I sleep now, I’ll be late for work tomorrow. Nothing is going right today. It was going so well and today just had to be thrown at me. I can’t afford anything either. I can’t afford to get out of this house and live on my own, I can’t afford to go places right now. I can’t do anything right now.

But, I know it will get better. I’m still here, and it will get better, no matter how hard it gets it will get better and its hard to think that way but I know will. I just have to keep that in my mind.

I think I am going to clean my disgustingly cluttered room and that will probably make myself feel a lot better. I apologize for the depressing post, but if you read to this far, please leave a comment and tell me that it’ll get better. It helps if its from other people too. Thank you for reading and supporting me.

Good Morning

What a fantastic start to my weekend! After becoming pretty much broke due to paying my bills, I am still enjoying myself. I had dinner with some work friends at Applebee’s and that was entertaining and then I talked with one further and got to know him more, and as all my avid readers know, I love getting to know people. After that, I got home and watched all the stuff I needed to, I got my presents for some friends done and I spent the money that I need to. I slept great, in a comfortable sweater that I bought. It was fantastic, I woke up great too, and my hair wasn’t a complete mess like normal.

I don’t have anything really planned for today except working later tonight and sleeping. I have no money so I have to use my gas sparingly. I want to try not to use it all up and have to borrow money. I’d hate to do that. I want to rely on my self. I hope to have a semi-laid back weekend happening.

Stuff

So, I had an excellent morning. I felt like it was perfect. Everything went awesome and my boyfriend and I had breakfast too! I am at work on break right now and it is pretty nice.
My friend however is having a hard time and I don’t want to shove my happiness in her face. Ahhh troubles.

Festival Number One!

It’s Wednesday and I am totally ready for it to be Friday! Then again, who doesn’t wish it to be Friday, like always. I have a big weekend coming up! It is my first 3 day Festival of Music and Art. I’ll be camping with my friend Jen and we will be dancing the night away. I’m super excited and nervous, since I’ve never been to one. I’m really excited, I’ve already met so many amazing people at Sub Sonic and here I am going to meet so many more friends. It’s Labor day festival weekend and I have Friday off and Monday off. HOLIDAYS!

I’m super excited, super excited.

On other news, this person that I hung out with last Saturday hasn’t replied to my texts, so I am getting paranoid that they don’t want anything to do with me. This would be the third time this happened. I’m getting upset about it, but I know either way I will be alright. It will just take a while this time. I never know what to do, I really want to hang out with them again, and get to know them more, but I don’t want to keep texting and just saying ‘Hey’ and waiting for a reply. I really thought that this person wasn’t like that, and I am trying my hardest to be optimistic about it, but I am just such a pessimist person that is becomes a hassle. I can’t help thinking negative things, but I am trying and Sub Sonic and this music festival has been helping. I’ve been opening my horizons and becoming happier. It’s a day in paradise.

It’s just hard to focus on positive things when I feel like life will just keep repeating all the things that make me feel the worst. Any advice on this topic?

Bedroom Style

I finally have the ability to drive to wal-mart and buy things without the help of others. I feel more like an adult now-out in the real world. I bought a couple things for my still unclean bedroom. I got a temporary closet, a laundry basket, a book shelf and a bed frame. All of which is useful and makes me room feel like home. 

I hung out with one of my friends/acquaintances from middle/highschool today too. I saw him at my work and gave him my number, I figured why not. Haha, and we hung out today. Last minute decisions to go swimming at the beach and then walk along the shore. I found a lot of shells, and if I knew I would of been doing that, I might have brought some other crap to help with shells, like a jar or something. Instead, I took pictures. After the sunshine, we ate at a China Buffet and then I showed him some youtube videos that sum up what I do with my free time. Gassy MexicanSeaNanners, MarkiplierPewds and many more. These are my top four though.

It took me a while to actually clean my room. I have a lot of books! So many. I also have a lot of laundry to do. And, of course, one last tid-bit, I don’t work on Monday!

I feel like I have accomplished a lot of things today, I did stand up to someone who has been pushing my buttons and has been getting under my skin, of course that person denied doing anything to outcast me in any way. She later apologized to me for any actions that made me think […]