Tag Archives: friends

Festival Number One!

It’s Wednesday and I am totally ready for it to be Friday! Then again, who doesn’t wish it to be Friday, like always. I have a big weekend coming up! It is my first 3 day Festival of Music and Art. I’ll be camping with my friend Jen and we will be dancing the night away. I’m super excited and nervous, since I’ve never been to one. I’m really excited, I’ve already met so many amazing people at Sub Sonic and here I am going to meet so many more friends. It’s Labor day festival weekend and I have Friday off and Monday off. HOLIDAYS!

I’m super excited, super excited.

On other news, this person that I hung out with last Saturday hasn’t replied to my texts, so I am getting paranoid that they don’t want anything to do with me. This would be the third time this happened. I’m getting upset about it, but I know either way I will be alright. It will just take a while this time. I never know what to do, I really want to hang out with them again, and get to know them more, but I don’t want to keep texting and just saying ‘Hey’ and waiting for a reply. I really thought that this person wasn’t like that, and I am trying my hardest to be optimistic about it, but I am just such a pessimist person that is becomes a hassle. I can’t help thinking negative things, but I am trying and Sub Sonic and this music festival has been helping. I’ve been opening my horizons and becoming happier. It’s a day in paradise.

It’s just hard to focus on positive things when I feel like life will just keep repeating all the things that make me feel the worst. Any advice on this topic?

Bedroom Style

I finally have the ability to drive to wal-mart and buy things without the help of others. I feel more like an adult now-out in the real world. I bought a couple things for my still unclean bedroom. I got a temporary closet, a laundry basket, a book shelf and a bed frame. All of which is useful and makes me room feel like home. 

I hung out with one of my friends/acquaintances from middle/highschool today too. I saw him at my work and gave him my number, I figured why not. Haha, and we hung out today. Last minute decisions to go swimming at the beach and then walk along the shore. I found a lot of shells, and if I knew I would of been doing that, I might have brought some other crap to help with shells, like a jar or something. Instead, I took pictures. After the sunshine, we ate at a China Buffet and then I showed him some youtube videos that sum up what I do with my free time. Gassy MexicanSeaNanners, MarkiplierPewds and many more. These are my top four though.

It took me a while to actually clean my room. I have a lot of books! So many. I also have a lot of laundry to do. And, of course, one last tid-bit, I don’t work on Monday!

I feel like I have accomplished a lot of things today, I did stand up to someone who has been pushing my buttons and has been getting under my skin, of course that person denied doing anything to outcast me in any way. She later apologized to me for any actions that made me think that way. Work was pretty busy, it was memorial day weekend so everyone assumed that we were going to get wiped-out. I however, didn’t know what to expect, I have sadly been slacking a little bit the last few weeks, and it is sad to hear that from myself, but it is true. I am using this week to switch it around and I will successfully switch it around. I got a lot done today, I still have a lot to do tomorrow to attempt to get ahead of the game, but it won’t be as bad as it was today.

I just finished the book, The Fault In Our Stars by John Green and it was pretty unexpectedly intense. I cried a lot, let me tell you. I love books that bring so much emotion out of me. The other books that have done that were Memoirs of a Geisha Arthur Golden, White Oleander by Janet Fitch, and Allegiant by Veronica Roth. I love the books that make me cry or laugh or just plain feel emotion. 

I am actually proud of myself today, yeah I didn’t do a lot of the things that I wanted to do, but I did finish a book, and I didn’t spend the majority of my life off of work on the internet. I did talk to someone that I have wanted to talk to for a while, Skype preferably! We chatted for while and it is great, it made me pretty happy. I’m pretty sure that person doesn’t know how happy it makes me.

Thats all I can really think up right at the moment, my brain is sizzling out.

Hiatus

I will be on Hiatus for a few days up to a week. I won’t update or anything, I will be at home or at work or on a small vacation. I don’t plan on updating the rest of this week unless I can get over my writers stump and I will not be updating much over my birthday week, which is next week.

On the 21st, I am off to see my friend and I will not be back until the 23rd. I am going to enjoy this trip and not try to do anything else rather than have fun. Oh by the way, the 21st is my birthday.

Sorry for any inconveniences, I will still check comments and what not so feel free to still talk to me!

Doubting Insecurities

I come to my blog as a way to relive some sort of stress, no one has to reply and I know this could all be drama that spills out of my mind, but this blog was an intention to share my life with people who want to read if they please. Right now I am at a stump with writing, so I tell story while I try to become creative again. I apologize for my 18 year old troubles and complaints in this post, these might not be a problem for done but to me it is a big problem and I can’t afford the time and money for s therapist to help me talk about my issues.

I have a lot of insecurities, I have talked about them
before, but today I have been thinking all day about them. I feel like I am afraid of love, afraid of the commitment that tags along with it. Im afraid of being hurt again and I am afraid of being broken. My fear of love battles my fear of loneliness. I am afraid to be alone, I feel like I am destined to be like that too, and it scares me how much I believe in that ‘destiny’ I created.
I think I fall into a false state of love when I say I like someone. I just don’t want to be alone and I will fuse my infatuation and my companionship desires into a false love-like feeling that puts butterflies in my stomach; however, I don’t get that sensation with certain people I think that I like… They don’t make nervous or cause my face to heat up, I think that is a different sensation and I’m sure that is not love so I often confuse myself by saying “since my body doesn’t give this reaction, then I’m not in love/like with them.” That puts me in an even more insecure position, I start thinking about what I don’t like about myself and what others don’t like about me. I become inferior to myself and others around me and it becomes hard to breath and do anything willingly. I am able to work because I can do it without thinking about it, but lately I just want to lay down and think of all my mistakes and if course insecurities…
I’m young, I know it. All the people who go to college are making me feel like I won’t be able to go anywhere with my life if I don’t go to school and have a job. I love my work, I love my free time. I hate my lack of motivation and my lack of knowledge, but I won’t change the latter because I have no motivation because I feel like I don’t have friends sometimes. I never said this before, but I want friends my own age. I feel even more insecure with all of my older friends who’re able to go out and drink or whatever and the feel like… just people I talk to at work. It’s hard, stressful, and depressing but I don’t want to tell them that they need to do thing I can do. They’re my friends and I want them to be happy even if that means I can’t hang out with them, I’m used to being unhappy. The majority of the time they want to drink because that is how they have fun and apparently bars and clubs are the only places they can go to have fun… I’m getting tired of it. And these aren’t all of my friends, there are some that don’t but the point is I want be with everyone, and hang out with everyone togetger sometimes.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t have many friends from high school and I am starting to wish that I lived my life differently, I feel dissatisfaction building up inside and it angers me. This weather needs to end so I can run out all my insecurities.

Rants and Arguments

My brother and mother and fighting again. They always fight now-a-days. Its stressful, and it makes me angry and sad. My mother and I get into fights too, but it isn’t as bad because I ignore it mostly. I try to ignore the fighting or the yelling but its hard, it is really hard.

My mother tries to talk to me when doing something and I want to focus on that, but she talks anyway. Then she complains when I ask to tell her something… I’m dealing with it. I’m dealing with the shit that goes on in this house, all the stuff I can’t tolerate. I’m dealing with it all, but I don’t know. I know that when my mom drinks she talks to someone else, either me or Darci-my brother’s fiancée. She is talking to Darci about all this crap, and its annoying honestly.

She does this a lot. She’s getting stressed, and she complains to me and it makes me stressed. I need to move out, I need to be out and on my own. I need to start saving and become better at all the things I need to do. I’ve gone in the hole and I’m stuck in it for now.

When I moved out before, and I was technically not really moved out, it was good. I was happy and not stressed. I was happy. Now, I’ve been back. I’m not happy. I’m not happy. I wish I could move out right at this instant. I want to bring a few clothes and books and my computer and be good. That’s what I would bring, well I say that now, but I know it would be different.

I have a bank account in my name for my mom, and I don’t like it. I want no connections to family, honestly. I will have communication but I don’t want and connection that will have to make me talk to them or see them, do you understand?

I’m just ranting out-of-order.

I want my room back. I want the power to be fixed, I want a new bed and I want my situation to end because it is forcing my mother to yell at me and make me feel like crap and.. just horrible. I don’t say anything though. I have an issue, I could move out and live with someone else, but I can’t do that. If I move out, I need to live on my own. I can’t live with another person for now, I need to be on my own. I just want to be alone lately, yeah still have friends, but I want to be alone.

Right now, on the outside, I am the normal Paige; however, there are moments where the abnormal part of me shows. When I am silent, the second personality is brought out. I am sad, unhappy, depressed, angry, guilty, afraid, un-confident, insecure, cold… feeling broken and caged. It’s okay for now, that s honestly how I feel. It is okay at the moment. I’m not completely out of my wits yet, and when that happens I will call for help, I will.

It’s all caused by over thinking, and I know I will be alright because I have amazing friends that will support me whether I am ready or not.

Words and Photographs

I own a vocabulary that is building everyday. I love the thought of exploring the capacity of my mind in order to reach a new height of expressing my thoughts vocally or through the virtual pencil that is known as my fingers. My words are becoming unique and refined, but they are not in the place they should be.

I really enjoy writing, it feels like a part of myself is being recorded and it doesn’t even matter if I write a story about myself or not, something that I experienced or created is being put down in this world and it is making the idea/dream a reality. I speak better in writing, I can imagine up my whole world and how I would prefer it to be, in writing. I draw up the small details, such as the type of mugs I would have in my oak cabinets, that have gold accented handles and have simple designs carved into the wood. The mugs would be above the large, stainless steel kitchen sink… Anyway. I find a colorful enjoyment in bringing to life those small and intricate details of my ideas. Its like taking a photograph of a brown eye, could be very plain and boring, but when you bring it up in Photoshop and zoom in on the details, you can choose to enhance the shades of tan or dull green that is hidden. Writing and photography is like discovering a new part of yourself.

Each time I take a photograph, my eyes through the viewfinder become enhanced and greater than before. I find new angles and photogenic styles, its lovely and amazing. I feel giddy and excited every time I have an opportunity to take a photograph. Just yesterday (Friday) I had a photo-shoot of my friend Larae, and they photos were amazing to me. Of course they could have been so much better from someone else, but I had so much fun doing her makeup and setting up for a specific pose or just winging it.  Image Image Image Image Image Image Image

These photos aren’t exactly how I wanted them to turn out, but they still look awesome, and I am still new and experimenting with Photoshop and Lightroom. I am discovering so many new things. I wanted these to look vintage/retro style. She didn’t know what to do for the shoot, so I had a better understanding of how to get my ideas out in the open, so that is what I did, and she was able to follow correctly. There were times where I had to find a new way to explain it, but it worked out perfectly. This photo shoot helped me with voicing out my visions and also discovering new angles to take photographs at. It was exciting and I felt great.

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I have only JoAnna, Lindsay, Larae, Holiday, Melissa (Lydia and Alex if they’d like) left for me to take awesome pictures like this with! I like having friends that are willing to let my try new things with make up and photographs. I am slowly helping them become more photogenic. It’s exciting.