Category Archives: Life

Eighteen Thousand

I just logged into a computer with Rent-A-Center and I found out that I have 18,000 views. That’s super exciting! I have a goal to get 20,000 views before the end of the year. I have been bored all day, hanging out here in town for hours. I played a lot of games and talked a lot. I got a lot of pictures and I’ve seen a lot of people that I see at work. I think it is kind of awesome. My work is closed at 5 PM today, so I want to go there before I leave for home. I want to buy some stuff, but I get paid on Friday so I can totally pay off stuff then.

I am trying to be happier, in a better mood. I just need to stay out of the house and do things. I need to bring my workbook with me wherever I go so I can spend time working on it anywhere, for example, right now. I could be writing and working on my book and get things done rather than playing games and being lazy.

Have you ever found it easier to work in the bright light rather than working in the darker lights that are more ambient? I can’t really work in darker lights because I get tired and I feel like I can’t read things clearly like I can in brighter light settings like in high school.

I do miss school, I had a lot of time to do things that didn’t matter even though I should’ve been doing homework. I feel like I am out of place and doing nothing but honestly, I am trying to accomplish a lot of thins without having to go to school. I don’t have the money for it and I don’t feel ready to go back to school. I just wish I could take a month break from everything. I want to save up so much money and go on a year trip around the world. Its going to take a lot of money but I really want to do it. I so want to, I yearn for it hardcore. Its so painful how bad I want to travel around. I want to go alone and be off in the world on my own and I kind of want to barely make it around the world. I want to experience everything I can in a short amount of time and I want to have the best time of my life.

I want to feel like I am living a life worth living.

Whispers

I hear whispers in my head all day and all night. They tell me the story of my life and how it has been going. They remind me of the memories that I locked away and have forgotten. It’s all coming back to me right now, in this tranquil moment with the music that sings to my heart and spills me feelings all over. I feel good and bad in the same moment. The moment where I feel calm and relaxed and somehow focused. I have to use the time wisely or else I will get bored and want to do something else, so I will just right how my mind works.

Right now I am thinking about my room and how messy it is and how lazy I am to not even bother cleaning it, I want to clean it and feel refreshed but it will waste the time that I could use to watch YouTube or write out anything. For some reason when I write or focus on something, I get really hot. I want to strip down to light clothing but I am busy writing where my mind takes me. If I step away from this computer I will not come back to it until I feel like this again. I have a really strong urge to leave, get up and leave town. I have no money though. I have a urge to drive around and waste my gas because I want to get out of my house and do nothing as well. I really want to stop writing this and try and work on my book. I pulled out my notebook and sat down on my bed thinking that I would be able to write my book but instead I decided to write how my mind processes things. I want to remake the Loot Crate video that I did, but I don’t feel like putting that much effort into it. I want to do so many things but I feel like I have no time. I need to make more mix CD’s for my car and I want to learn more of my Korean songs and Sam Smiths music. I love it all. I want to read more manga and I want to do so many other things.

I want to write something that could be like spoken word poetry. I want to try, heres a thing about my family.

My family works in strange ways, almost as strange as the wind in the sky-how it picks up and drops down in random areas. My family is like that. Random and dysfunctional. I don’t know how it works, my brain is trying to process it all but it can’t. It feels like broken record. I keep feeling all these emotions, anger, sadness, and happiness. I like it but I hate it. I feel like I will feel that no matter where I go.

See, I totally can’t write more than that. I am not in the mood. Right now I want to snap my fingers and get everything done, I want to fast forward my life and see where I end up. I don’t even know why I feel so intimidated by the future right now, it is probably because I can’t see it really. There are plans that are set out for me but I can’t really see them. I feel lost a lot of the time, but then I don’t. I don’t understand it at all. I want to, I want to get on a path like when I am on my great days where I am so pumped about anything and can see all that I want to see. I want to fuel this excitement myself but no matter how hard I try, I can’t get that feeling alone. I feel so pumped at work, so excited and happy to be in another persons presence. It is probably because of my father and mothers situation, mainly my mother. I sometimes hate relationships with family. These deep ties that can’t be broken. It is unexplainable to why I feel so sad to hear about troublesome things with family. I can’t explain that deep tie, but it is called family and it hurts because personally, my family sucks. Its great, but it sucks how it works. It really does, it sucks so much. I am young woman with so many fucking emotions and I can’t control them and no matter how hard I try something goes wrong everyday, and it ruins everything but if I saw one special person it wouldn’t even matter anymore. Currently, it would be my ex-boyfriend that would make it all better. Just a text or a smile or seeing his face would make me happy as can be. Its the simple pleasures, but he is no where and now I am too.

Earlier I was having flash backs of my childhood and I felt that I could remember absolutely everything that happened. I am replaying it and oh how do I wish I could grow up without having a desire to be in a relationship. I wish I was self-empowered. I am not though and now I am still a bit unhappy since the breakup that I initiated has hit me on Friday… it takes me a couple days for things like that to sink in. I always just block it out and then it comes crashing down.

I hate windows 8 with a passion. Geh, I have to go now. I am tired of writing for right now. A little bit too relaxed and sad at the same time. Let my know what you think of this glimpse into my mind that doesn’t stay on one track.

Feel

The day turns dark as I wait for those non-existent arms to hold me, and the lights turn low as I crawl into a bed that seems to big for just one individual.
The reasoning behind myself being alone, it’s unseen, you discuss nothing, no secrets, no stories, not even simple greetings… It seemed like everything we started got printed on the wrong side of the photo paper. It came out blurry and distorted. The page was all black almost like it was supposed to be that way… Like it was blank, as blank as the page I try to write on, write about us, write about you, but I ended up writing about me and how I thought we had something going, but it seemed to me that it was just temporary to you, because that’s what everything is in your amazing blue eyes. Nothing stays too long, nothing gets too great, it’s all created equal and you kill yourself trying to maintain it and if one doesn’t work out, you toss it to the side like my feelings were tossed in the trash and even the garbage men forgot to pick me up because my feelings were so loaded, and I was left on the side of the road that links me to you, but there is construction going on and that road has been shut down, and I was sitting there for two weeks while no one batted an eye, until the sign on this one way street read dead end and eventually it closed because nothing exists on this road anymore, and as time passes it seems like nothing existed in the first place. My feelings took a fall when I saw your smile, my heart raced to the beat of your soundtrack and even if it wasn’t my favorite song, I still held your hand because you liked it and I wanted to know you more just like how I read books, when I pick them up is hard to put down and stop the story in the middle of something with potential, I need to find out the end but I don’t want to skip ahead and I think that’s what happened. I exposed everything like the open Facebook on my unlocked desktop, my secrets were out and I hid nothing. I was ready to go all in and hopefully I’d win the lot but you played me like the fool i was and took all the winnings for yourself because I was blinded by your light while you snuck aces up your sleeve, I was left broke and disposed of and now I’m trying to repair what you ruined, you tore out the ending of this book and im not getting that closure i need to start a new one, but I’ll recreate it and put scotch tape over the torn edges to make it look like I read everything and that nothing was left unfinished. It’s a do it yourself kind of project but id like to call it the get off your ass and move on situation where I write my sorrows out and move on with my life because this book started out well written but it ended with shitty dialogue and crappy character development and this isn’t what i like in a story about myself.

Rewriting

I am rewriting December Never Ends, that means I am going to update the page on my blog at some point. I am changing the game of the story, I want to improve it and make it more realistic and not so ‘twilight’ like. Don’t get me wrong! Twilight is a good story, I just want something that I write to be something else. I want a mix of everything to be in it, so I am going to be focusing on this project for a while. I have it all written, I just need to add more and fix some.

Winter

The winter months have arrived in a grave circumstance. I am honestly afraid to be alone. I really am. My current boyfriend is gone, I can’t do that no matter how much I like him or think I love him. It really sucks and I am trying my hardest to stay positive. Driving around helps, but it sucks that the weather is crappy.
I wanted to find someone that I can spend the holidays with this year, but I guess not. Its really hard, I’m trying not to be in a dark state of mind, but it is hard.

I mean c’mon. I am freaking amazing! If you knew me in person or avidly read my stuff, you’d be able to tell that I am amazing, absolutely amazing. I have my faults but they make me amazing. I am a wonderful, beautiful, person but why do some people not see this? I can barely see it myself, but I am getting better.

God, I like him so much, I want him to realize, like his friends, that I am amazing. It’s whatever though, I care about it and I shouldn’t. I want to find someone that will fit me. I want to so bad, but they’re hiding.

I need a change.

Boyfriend

I’ve decided that I am single. I’m going to try and tell my ex that we are no longer, I’m trying but he doesn’t talk to me. I can’t do it anymore. I really like him, really really like him, but I can’t have this sad feeling in a relationship. I don’t like it, and it sucks that I feel like this.
I’ve asked advice from a lot of people and I’ve been thinking long and hard, I don’t want to break up over the phone or over texting, I don’t want to intrude on his friends place, and I don’t want to just leave it be. That isn’t what I do. I can’t get into contact with him, so I don’t know what to do anymore… I might have to send the message over text…
This sucks.
I give my all in relationships, I give my all. I am an open book, I will tell you what I want, no tricks involved. I’m carefree to a point, and I will say something when that point gets hit. I’m not quiet, I’m talkative. Just sitting next to someone makes me happy. I try hard to be open minded, and it does come easy. I’m curious and adventure filled. I feel that I am an amazing person with a tough way of thinking and an insecure yet ironically confident when I am comfortable. If I’m able, I will do anything to help. Its like my fortune cookie just said.
Nothing is impossible to a willing heart.

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Im going to try to be better at myself and understanding of others.

Bracelets

I’ve been making bracelets to pass time lately, I’m enjoying myself as well. I am making some for my friends and I made some and just gave them out to people. It makes me happy that people like them. There has been a lot of crappy things that have been going on, some personal issues that might be discussed about later in this post or in another one at a different time.

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I want more beads to make bead buddies and some other ideas. I’ve been drinking a lot of soda lately as well, and I have been drawing more too. I’m trying to get back into a habit of writing, drawing, and doing something that fuels my creative sides. I’ve been driving a lot and I am actually feeling like I have some more friends. It makes me happy in a way, to feel that I am not alone. I know I am not, but I feel like I am the majority of the time.

It snowed here already, I was happy and also sad. The lovely fall weather is pretty much gone, and here comes the freezing winter weather. I don’t really like being cold, but I have a new car that actually works well and has heat which is important.

I’ve been really into listening to Sam Smith lately, and the playlist Evening Chill on Spotify. I absolutely love it and the songs make me think and I get lost in a different world. Its lonesome but it is precious to me. The music speaks to me and I enjoy it a lot.

I don’t have much to say since I lost my appetite for words because I am thinking too much, but I wanted to let anyone know that I am okay.

To Want

Its human nature to want more and more, is it not? All I want to do is want something. I want something to ease my tired thoughts of sadness and I want something to boost my happiness to the ultimate level. I want it up so high that I’ll want something to bring it down because it’s driving me insane how happy I am.

I go back and forth between wanting and not wanting something. There are a lot of things that I want from myself, from others, my job, my love, my life… There is so much that I want that I don’t know what I need.

want
verb
(1) have a desire to possess or do [something]; wish for.
“I want an apple”

need
verb
(1) require [something] because it is essential or very important.
“I need help now”

I know the difference between the two of them. I know what each of those words mean. The thing I am not fully sure of are the feelings that I relate to those words. I know what I need and what I want. I know that very clearly, but what I don’t know is what I need from other people or things. I want love from someone, my boyfriend for example. I want him to love me for who I am and I want him to just show his affection, but I don’t know what I need from him, and I don’t know if I need anything from him, because I just get these emotions that just bottle up inside me from other relationships.

I have a lot of insecurities and I have written about them before, but many new ones have appeared over the past few months. Before I started dating my boyfriend, I was looking, obviously. I met amazing people and I liked them each a lot in their own way and I have very strong feelings for them. I am easy to like people for many different reasons and I believe it isn’t a bad thing. Each of these guys drew me to them. I really liked them as I said and I talked about them and hope for something with them. After talking with them for a while and my feelings growing, they would stop talking to me. Not a word to be said and nothing to be heard. This has happened for a while now. It happened a long time ago to someone whom I cared about very, very deeply. He just stopped talking and I was heart broken. About a 8 or 9 months later I met someone else who held a lot more promise in my heart. I fell instantly and that was a hard blow. He made promises and lied to me and I fell for it all, because… what was going on was perfect. I didn’t have doubts or anything and I thought, “hey this might be it!” I was horribly wrong. I fell so hard and it hurt so bad when he stopped talking to me as well. It was extremely intense, and I am still at a loss for those feelings. I don’t understand anything, and now I have unnecessary worries whenever someone stops talking to me even if they’re busy. This goes back to what I want and need. I don’t know if I need someone to talk to me if I am in a relationship with them or if I want them to. I definitely want them to talk to me. My boyfriend right now is balancing work, friends, and me and a few other things. and I don’t want him to pick one over the other, but I want him to talk to me and let me know what he is doing, I get worried that he is going to stop talking to me like all the rest, but he isn’t like the rest.

I trust him a lot, but I don’t know if him talking to me is a want or a need. When I am with him, I have no worries at all and I am happy as can be just being next to him. There isn’t anything wrong at all, but when I don’t hear from him, I get lonely and sad. Emotions come out and I don’t like it. I want to be relaxed and happy, but I am not. So I blame myself for having nothing to keep myself entertained and just waiting by the phone. What do I do? What do i do with my life to be the one who doesn’t text? I don’t have a life, I work, have a boyfriend and come home. I have nothing else.

I have nothing else that keeps me entranced in my own little world, so entranced that I forget about my phone. I just keep waiting.

I don’t know what I want in anything. I do but, I don’t. I want that feeling to be a need, but I don’t.

I want to be a writer, I am one. Look at what I am doing right now, look at what you are reading. This is my blog, its my life, my emotions. I want people to be reading this and relating and telling me things, giving me feedback. I want to be here, in the moment and not feel like I am lost in the internet. Do you understand? I want to finish a book and have it published and have a copy in my room that I can look at. I want that accomplishment. I apparently don’t want it that bad since I don’t work for it. I need help to get things done, I need help with my emotions, and I want it. I want to be happy, I need to be happy, and I just keep going back and forth with my happiness and sadness.

I want to see my boyfriend, I want to monopolize him and know what he is doing. I want to know his habits and his quirks. I want to know more about his hobbies and his lifestyle. I want to know him more and more and I want my mind to be filled with him because it makes me happy to be so entranced with someone that I just feel present and alive when I am holding his hand. I don’t think he knows this either, why am I so happy in his presence and when I am not all these horrible thoughts cloud my mind. I don’t know.

What to do, what to do. I am going to eat, and I am going to write and I am going to get lost in a world that is so real to me that when you get lost in it you will never want to leave.

I don’t know if that makes any sense but it sounds pretty awesome to me right now.

Thank you for reading and following along in my life of ups and downs, I know I keep saying this, but I will write more. This blog is the longest one that I’ve been able to keep and I am super stoked about that. Please, if you have any advice of your own or just want to tell me something about yourself, tell me. Comment. I want to know everyone. I have a thirst of knowledge and I want to know how you became who you are.

YouTube

Hey! It’s been a while, or a short amount of time. I’m not that sure. I just recently made a YouTube channel and I am going to attempt uploading videos on the regular, I don’t know of what, I just want to Vlog at the moment.

I recently ordered a subscription to Loot Crate go check that website out if you are interested in Gaming and Geek gear! Also, Think Geek is a pretty awesome place to get stuff too. Any who, I filmed an un-boxing video of this months theme Fear. You can check it out here: (click me!)

I am pretty proud of it, of course it could do much better, I will probably get better at is as I persist in doing it. My friend asks if I want to be YouTube famous, and I am not sure. I just want to make friends. I mean, make more friends.

Work has been fun, this Friday there is a dance at Vision Night Club that I can get into, so I plan on going there. Also, my work is dressing up and since I don’t work that Friday, I am going to go in dressed up I think, I want to get my books, and some jewelry.

I really want a desk up in my room, I am sick of using tiny tables. I want everything to be finished with this remodeling thing, I am getting sick of this unfinished stuff and my snake has snake mites and it will probably be inevitable for him to get it again since i can’t thoroughly clean the environment around and outside of his cage. There are cracks in my floor and window and walls and mite can be hiding anywhere that I can’t get too. Even bug bombs might not work. I have a lot to do for my snake because I don’t want him to suffer.

I work around 1 PM today, and I am pretty excited to get my mind off things. I might hang out with my friend Holiday today as well, but I am not sure.