Monthly Archives: March 2014

Because Of You: Chapter One

I was the girl who was in the back of class all the time, kids didn’t like me when I was younger. I began to believe that I was out-of-place within the female world, the girls were mean and bossy, and I thought that since I couldn’t be that way, then I’d have to become a boy somehow. When I transferred schools, I decided to cut my hair short, my mother was against it so she told me to try out a wig for a bit. At first, the other kids didn’t really notice, until physical education came along, and I happened to be good. My height difference greatly improved my performance even though it was a hindrance in trying to be a normal girl.

People complimented my playing skills and the guys become friends with me, I fit in for once. The girls in my class even started talking to me! However, I wasn’t seen as a fellow female, I was seen as a boy and for a little while, that was okay. I kept up with the wig, my hair kept getting longer though. My chances at becoming a cute girl started dwindling. My mother never realized that I kept wearing the wig since I left for and returned from school with my normal hair. She never questioned my life at school and when she did, I gave her vague details since she wouldn’t like to hear that I am being a tom boy.

One day after school, I decided to follow some girls into the city since I have never been. I know it is somewhat stalker like of me, but they wouldn’t recognize me since I am with my long hair. It would be too big of a difference, going from messy boyish hair to silky long hair that goes past my waist. I followed them past this club and out of the corner of my eye, I saw this glimpse of long platinum blond hair. The person was tall and as soon as I looked over my shoulder I saw her. She was pretty, her hair was beautiful and silky looking. She was taller than the crowds and she looked confident with her self. I attempted to follow her but the closer I got the more crowded it became. I was almost able to reach her when I looked away for a split second to answer my phone that has been ringing non-stop.

“Hello?”

“Where are you!? You have me worried sick! It is near six at night and dinner is done.” She hung up the phone as soon as she finished talking. My mother’s voice distracted me from all the chaos around me pushed my brain to remember the woman I saw. When I looked up, she was nowhere to be seen. All around me were the same looking people and I couldn’t seem to trace down the girls I followed either. Right in front of me was a bright blinking sign for a club that happens to be out of my reach for a girl like me, but I am determined to see that woman again. I grab out a pen and write the place in my calendar, ‘Fly.’ I spin around on my heel and head towards the station to take me home, and I arrive to my house fifteen minutes later.

My mother is waiting outside of the house and when she spots me she storms over and pulls me inside.

“What is your excuse?” She buries her shouts and asks me through gritted teeth.

“I was out with the girls from school.” I apologized profusely and my mother gave in and accepted.

“Well, since it wasn’t that late, it is alright. Just this once. But dear! When your career starts as a model, may I add in the agency that I a became a top model in, you will have to be extremely careful. You can’t do this. You could be injured.” She scolds and I nod because it is useless to defy the will of my mother when it comes to modeling. When I am of age, she can no longer decide my life. She has already forced me to do some shoots with very low profile agencies that are known to not give out any sort of information and personal recognition. The photo shoots are mainly for clothing and modeling items.

My mother sits down at the table and sets out the food. Her watch beeps and she glances at it right when the door pops open and my father struts in.

“Honey! I’m home!” He laughs.

“Did you boys at the office watch that show again? You know I don’t like that line, it got way to cheesy and old-fashioned.” She kisses him hello and when he sees me his eyes light up.

“Hey champ, hows life? Hows sports? Doing anything in Phys ed? Basketball?” He mumbles about his days as a pro player and  then mother interjects his questions about my future sports career with living as a model. My parents argument about my future fades into the background as I inhale my dinner and sneak to my bedroom and pass out.

I saw that woman in my dreams, it was only me chasing after her, and I had this feeling of disappointment and shock trailing me. I didn’t quite understand it but when I tried to pry deeper, I woke up to an alarm clock signaling that my peaceful sleep is up and ruined.

Next chapter: Here

Citrus kiss

I can feel myself getting sick, my brother, step-sister, and roommate were all sick and now I feel like I am getting something, I took yesterday iff from work to sleep and relax and today I am back, not feeling better but I have tea for that. I bought this citrus kiss tea from goodearth and the flavor is completely opposite of what I thought it was going to brr. Its sweet and tangy, and delicious. It is soothing to my swollen lymph nodes and I feel awake which battles my drowsiness from my medicine. It works well. Im glad I bought it. The taste and smell were so surprising, I had the majority of my coworkers try it and the majority liked it. Im glad. Im becoming content today, and its better than my bitter feelings from this morning.

What was also pretty great is getting a free meal from McDonald’s because I didn’t have cash on me and their credit card machines weren’t working correctly. That made my morning a good one, but it did get disrupted when I got in this morning. I need the mornings to myself and not to talk to anyone because lately I am getting annoyed with some people with stupid decision making. I can’t really change that though.

Pain No More

I’ve had a severe tooth ache for the last few days, it was dreadful and I could no longer afford to keep up the “I’m fine” act. Friday and Saturday were the worst tooth aches I’ve had. I was unable to finish work on Saturday and so I will be behind on Monday, by a bit. Later Saturday night, I got my tooth removed and I am pain-free.  I have to pick up my antibiotics and pain medication today before six, and thankfully I will be pain-free for a long time.

I have no insurance apparently, so I have to sign up for my own (Hooray adulthood!). I wish I didn’t have to, but I do. I guess I can get insurance through my workplace, but that will have to wait until Monday. I will figure that stuff out then, sign up for what I need and be on my way.

My tooth got extracted at the Emergency Dental in the city and it took the rest of my money because I have no insurance. I have about 5 dollars left to spend and I have what is on my credit card, and my next payment for that is do on pay-day – April fourth. I will be broke again to pay off that bill but I needed to get my tooth pulled and I can afford to pay the credit card bill. I don’t mind being broke, I’m used to it, and right now I need to stop buying unnecessary things. I don’t think that this makes sense at the moment, but it is okay.

I’m glad that I got rid of that tooth pain, now I have to take care of other things.

One day while I was working, I was eavesdropping on everyone talking up front. When Jim, my boss, walked in the back to get something I asked him a question regarding the conversation I was not included in.

He told me straight to my face, “Jeez! You just hear everything don’t ya?” With a hint of guilt, I laughed and agreed with him.

“Well, I have no one to talk to back here.” I shrugged as I scooped out the vegetable shortening with my hands and flung it in the industrial mixer.

“Talk to the… shortening.” He nodded towards the half empty container as he walked out of earshot.

Unintentionally, I looked to the shortening and murmured my greetings to it. “Wait… What am I doing?” I thought. A moment later, Jim reappeared and I told him that it didn’t talk back. I don’t recall what he said about it so I continued with my nonsense conversation. No one was around so I talked to this item that I was using. I discovered a story behind it.

I used four other shortening containers for cookie dough’s and here I am almost using the fifth one. I told the container, “I killed four other people like you. You, though, will be kept alive.” I had an idea for a murder story, and now I am writing it on an off at work – when I am on break and when I have ideas. I write on my phone, or on slips of paper when I have a good quote, or saying, or description. It’s intense. I even wrote more of it yesterday after I got my tooth pulled.

I am going to post some descriptions up on here later today. That is what my weekend consisted of though: pain, tooth extractions, story ideas, writing, and sleeping.

Doubting Insecurities

I come to my blog as a way to relive some sort of stress, no one has to reply and I know this could all be drama that spills out of my mind, but this blog was an intention to share my life with people who want to read if they please. Right now I am at a stump with writing, so I tell story while I try to become creative again. I apologize for my 18 year old troubles and complaints in this post, these might not be a problem for done but to me it is a big problem and I can’t afford the time and money for s therapist to help me talk about my issues.

I have a lot of insecurities, I have talked about them
before, but today I have been thinking all day about them. I feel like I am afraid of love, afraid of the commitment that tags along with it. Im afraid of being hurt again and I am afraid of being broken. My fear of love battles my fear of loneliness. I am afraid to be alone, I feel like I am destined to be like that too, and it scares me how much I believe in that ‘destiny’ I created.
I think I fall into a false state of love when I say I like someone. I just don’t want to be alone and I will fuse my infatuation and my companionship desires into a false love-like feeling that puts butterflies in my stomach; however, I don’t get that sensation with certain people I think that I like… They don’t make nervous or cause my face to heat up, I think that is a different sensation and I’m sure that is not love so I often confuse myself by saying “since my body doesn’t give this reaction, then I’m not in love/like with them.” That puts me in an even more insecure position, I start thinking about what I don’t like about myself and what others don’t like about me. I become inferior to myself and others around me and it becomes hard to breath and do anything willingly. I am able to work because I can do it without thinking about it, but lately I just want to lay down and think of all my mistakes and if course insecurities…
I’m young, I know it. All the people who go to college are making me feel like I won’t be able to go anywhere with my life if I don’t go to school and have a job. I love my work, I love my free time. I hate my lack of motivation and my lack of knowledge, but I won’t change the latter because I have no motivation because I feel like I don’t have friends sometimes. I never said this before, but I want friends my own age. I feel even more insecure with all of my older friends who’re able to go out and drink or whatever and the feel like… just people I talk to at work. It’s hard, stressful, and depressing but I don’t want to tell them that they need to do thing I can do. They’re my friends and I want them to be happy even if that means I can’t hang out with them, I’m used to being unhappy. The majority of the time they want to drink because that is how they have fun and apparently bars and clubs are the only places they can go to have fun… I’m getting tired of it. And these aren’t all of my friends, there are some that don’t but the point is I want be with everyone, and hang out with everyone togetger sometimes.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t have many friends from high school and I am starting to wish that I lived my life differently, I feel dissatisfaction building up inside and it angers me. This weather needs to end so I can run out all my insecurities.

Phone Numbers and The Usual

I keep getting new phone numbers and I feel like I am slightly annoying all of my friends in my contacts. I’ve literally have had about 4 new numbers in the past two months. Hopefully my new one will be my last one, unless something stupid happens with this one. My friend has a bike for me, so I don’t have to buy one any more, which is awesome! I also have my old Note 2 back in my hands with my new T-Mobile prepaid plan.

I got my plane tickets to go see my friend and I am leaving the 21st of April, which happens to be my birthday. The ticket is a birthday present to myself, because what is better?  I will be gone from the 21st to the 23rd. I wish I would have taken off more, but I have a job to succeed in and get a raise in. I have a lot of stuff to do and it throws me off if I am gone for a week or so. 

On another note with the weather getting better, I am forcing myself to go outside and do something, today I just went for an exhausting run with Sadie, since she loves to chase leaves, I couldn’t help but run. 

 

60 is The High

Work was pretty busy due to the amazing weather that happened out of the blue. I got all of the items that I needed to get done, for only today. I have more for the rest of the week since in early April we have a huge (600-1000) order which includes bakery. I was really tempted to bake at home, but I felt too lazy and unorganized compared to work where I have everything I need.

I am getting my first credit card tomorrow, I have to use it responsibly, and I will. I just need it to build up credit easily. (that’s why it’s called a credit card.) My phone is shut off because someone (I don’t know who and at this point I don’t care anymore…)  cancelled it, so now I have a prepaid phone. My note 2 still works as long as I am connected to wifi, and at the moment, I am in the process of gathering information to unlock it and get any kind of service for it, (T-mobile, Verizon, AT&T, etc…) then when I get decent credit, I can get my own plan with things that I want. 

I’ve been outside lately, for a walk or a run with the dog, or just going to the bank/gas station. When it gets super nice out, I will ride a bike everyday into town or something, maybe I will attempt to run a straight 4 miles. 

Oh, remember the guy that I liked at my workplace? How I was rejected and all, well… I decided to give up on it. Its not use treading on coals when I know I won’t get to the other side. I’d rather walk back and find something else.  I also dyed my hair black, so now it is all one color and not the other three that I had.

Anyway, summer is right around the corner! Along with my birthday.

The Lines

sometimes
there is life outside the lines.

spread color in the ‘no go’ areas
of the coloring book.
hop in between the lines
at the crosswalk.

it is like thinking outside of the box,
it isn’t the same and
you may feel differently
and you may think differently
and it is possible that you will 
act differently.
you will see the world in a different color.

the lines are my comfort zones.
the box is my reality.

i’m walking along the edge,
i’m dreaming up something new.

***

At work, I Iearned a bit of register. I’ve been there for two years and a few months. I’ve been full time for almost a year. I know bakery, salads, dish work, lobby, and barely board. I am not confident in my skills there. I need to practice when I make my sandwiches-well I need to start making my sandwiches. After work, I got home and walked up my steps. I decided right then and there to go running. I got inside and felt a little lazy, then I noticed the rustling sound of our dog Sadie, so I asked my brother to take her for a run, it was well worth it. I am still out of breath and I feel great. I am in a positive mood and everything. I can’t wait for summer! Sadie was running most of the time, whereas I walked/jogged/ran bits and pieces. On the long stretch home I ran because Sadie was so excited to get home.

It was a good afternoon. I am of course sitting on the computer, when I could do other things, but I want my brain to learn now. Time to start my journey on being healthier, why not start before I turn 19? I get severe motivation when I just up and run. 

Lightspeed

These days are passing by too fast. I have stipped my goals for 2014 and each day I tell myself that I will do something today to change it. I dont do it, but I have been drawing and writing more for the most part.
Life hasn’t been in my favor recently and I seem to have given up on trying to change that. Here’s a good excuse: I’m too exhausted after work to actually work out our read or anything. That’s my “no motivation” voice that talks to me lately; however, I have recently been wanting to go outside to run because the weather is getting nice. Spring is right around the corner and I don’t want to waste the beautiful, warmer weather that’s coming by sitting on my computer and looking for something productive to do.
Winter is that time of year where the majority of people want to cuddle up in a blanket and stay inside all day, while eating deserts and drinking hot cocoa. I somewhat did that, no lie. So today, I think I am going to make an effort to force myself to get if of my lazy bum and head outside got a run or something. If need be, I will take the pup out too. That’s some motivation, right?
As the majority of people know, I’ve been sleeping on the couch and my room had been vacated for the tone being due to no power. I need to buy a heavy duty extension cord and get something back in there so I can actually sleep on a bed, I’d probably feel more motivated after that happens.