Monthly Archives: February 2014

What if?

I was at work yesterday, like every normal weekday, and I started thinking about random things. The first remembered topic that came to mind was birth. I talked with my inner self about birth and the processes that happen at a doctors office, and not the the whole pre-birth and during birth situation. I focused on after the birth of the baby: like the social security number, the name, information on the baby, all that important stuff.

I asked myself: What if a child was born under the radar? No SSN, information in the hospitals system that feeds information to the city, state, or even country. I started thinking even more and came up with an idea. It starts like this…

There is a country or state or a large area that is occupied, obviously. There is a giant military base and the only military like thing about it, is the enormous walls that surround the living area as protection. Near the North, South, East and West gates of the military fence are military hospitals. The majority of the population are men, which work in the military, or the occasional major surgeon, from age 12 to 35. When they are no longer useful to the ‘government’ they are set off to live in the living area, in the center of the base, where they become employees for the workforce that requires brute strength, which are most of the dangerous jobs. The minority are women who work for the hospital as nurses or doctors; however, they do not preform major surgeries. They work and learn from ages 12- 30. After their time in the hospital is complete, they work as maids, housewives, chefs, mostly easy and not so tiring jobs. All people go through school from the time they are able to comprehend to the age they are sent out into the working world. There are classes throughout their life, even after they are unable to continue working for the government. If over-population occurs, the government will go through all the entry data in the schools and terminate the weakest links that will not benefit the base in any way.

The children are born in one of the hospitals and taken away to be raised by the government officials. This story idea set in the living area where and ex doctor and nurse have decided to secretly give birth and raise a child who technically doesn’t exist. I feel like it will eventually  lead up to the young female to go against the government or something, maybe sneak out of the area and discover something amazing. I’m still thinking it up.

Remember It

The world was a pastel color. The brightness and happiness all dulled out by the alien apocalypse, and very few humans exist anymore. I am standing in the broken street, staring at the run down buildings and the dying trees. I am with my friend, and I can’t remember her face. My dog is by my side, a German Shepard, she seems sad and lonely. I realize there is another dog missing, her other half. I speak with my friend, but no words were spoken, it was all muted. Our mouths were moving and we understood each other but the silence of the world was keeping the sound between us unspeakable. We rush over to a pastel red car, the passenger door was torn off and the trunk cover was half torn off. It was the only working car for miles, and I felt some instinct to look under the car. There he was, my dogs other half, the black German Shepard. Somehow, I communicate with my friend to get in the car and drive it away as I get under the car and protect my dog. We figure out that situation and I am able to successfully take care of my pup. We hop in the car, my friend gets in the driver’s seat and my other pup gets in the passenger side as I pick up my black Shepard and hop in the trunk until a man drags his feet along the cement. His eyes are bloodshot and his iris’ are ice blue. He tries to attack me, but I dodge. However, he grabs hold of my arm and tries to latch on, I take my fingers and push them in his eye sockets and he screams out loud, audibly. I hop back in the car and we head out of the main city.

TED Talks: Ji-Hae Park: The violin, and my dark night of the soul.

In her quest to become a world-famous violinist, Ji-Hae Park fell into a severe depression. Only music was able to lift her out again — showing her that her goal needn’t be to play lofty concert halls, but instead to bring the wonder of the instrument to as many people as possible.

Violinist
Ji-Hae Park spreads the joy of classical to music to those who might not otherwise hear it — and in the process shows that you can rock out on the violin

Right at the moment, I am getting over an argument with my mother, and it doesn’t really help that she is in the same room, due to problem situations in my bedroom.

I chose to listen to some inspirational TED talks over depression. I am watching Ji-Hae Park: The violin, and the dark night of the soul. It is very inspirational and calming. I’ve been pretty sad lately and I have been holding it all in, but listening to Ji-Hae play violin, it is very relaxing and its nice. I feel like it is an escape from my sadness, I have something to learn from her.

Rants and Arguments

My brother and mother and fighting again. They always fight now-a-days. Its stressful, and it makes me angry and sad. My mother and I get into fights too, but it isn’t as bad because I ignore it mostly. I try to ignore the fighting or the yelling but its hard, it is really hard.

My mother tries to talk to me when doing something and I want to focus on that, but she talks anyway. Then she complains when I ask to tell her something… I’m dealing with it. I’m dealing with the shit that goes on in this house, all the stuff I can’t tolerate. I’m dealing with it all, but I don’t know. I know that when my mom drinks she talks to someone else, either me or Darci-my brother’s fiancée. She is talking to Darci about all this crap, and its annoying honestly.

She does this a lot. She’s getting stressed, and she complains to me and it makes me stressed. I need to move out, I need to be out and on my own. I need to start saving and become better at all the things I need to do. I’ve gone in the hole and I’m stuck in it for now.

When I moved out before, and I was technically not really moved out, it was good. I was happy and not stressed. I was happy. Now, I’ve been back. I’m not happy. I’m not happy. I wish I could move out right at this instant. I want to bring a few clothes and books and my computer and be good. That’s what I would bring, well I say that now, but I know it would be different.

I have a bank account in my name for my mom, and I don’t like it. I want no connections to family, honestly. I will have communication but I don’t want and connection that will have to make me talk to them or see them, do you understand?

I’m just ranting out-of-order.

I want my room back. I want the power to be fixed, I want a new bed and I want my situation to end because it is forcing my mother to yell at me and make me feel like crap and.. just horrible. I don’t say anything though. I have an issue, I could move out and live with someone else, but I can’t do that. If I move out, I need to live on my own. I can’t live with another person for now, I need to be on my own. I just want to be alone lately, yeah still have friends, but I want to be alone.

Right now, on the outside, I am the normal Paige; however, there are moments where the abnormal part of me shows. When I am silent, the second personality is brought out. I am sad, unhappy, depressed, angry, guilty, afraid, un-confident, insecure, cold… feeling broken and caged. It’s okay for now, that s honestly how I feel. It is okay at the moment. I’m not completely out of my wits yet, and when that happens I will call for help, I will.

It’s all caused by over thinking, and I know I will be alright because I have amazing friends that will support me whether I am ready or not.

Manga

If anyone reads manga, do you ever get the feeling of wanting to write everything in a story, like a novel. I eventually want to do that with a lot of manga’s that I have read and maybe people will actually read them. If I could do that and sell them, I would totally give either half or 75 percent of earnings to the original author of the manga. I can see it now…

That was a small update because I don’t have much time. I just watched Gravity, and I feel like it was a pretty amazing movie. I liked it a lot. I have been stressing lately due to no phone access, no power to my room, the weather, and relationship problems. I’ve been in my dark hole this month.

I made the best analogy. For me, my depression is like wearing your brand new, white shoes when you step into a really muddy puddle that stretches for miles. That’s the first phase, and after your step onto dry land, you attempt to clean your shoes, but no matter how much you scrub them with bleach, the residue of the mud will never leave and it will always be a dirty shoe. My depression sticks with me like mud on white shoes.

We just had a blizzard here in my city, and I gladly shoveled three driveways, but it all failed since it kept snowing, and now. I have to go to sleep on the couch. Goodnight, and I will update again soon.

Recaps and Characters

Rewinding back to my trip to Mall of America, everyone knows it was a bumpy yet thrilling time for me, and I am surprised I didn’t take so many dang pictures of myself like I normally do. The Monday when everyone got back, I confessed to a guy that I like and got rejected on Wednesday. From Monday to Friday, my mood declined each day. I didn’t really show it, but to me it seemed obvious, but it was also because of me just being super exhausted from everything that is normal. I was down all the time and everyone irritated me, though I tried to not let it happen. The usual people who vaguely get on my nerves, bothered me more and the people who never do, well they still didn’t. I felt guilty for speaking my mind, and after I felt guilty, I kind of said that I felt guilty and wanted to hide in a hole for the rest of eternity.

Friday night came around and I lazed around the house until late at night where I had a Skype ‘date’. He pretty much said I could call it whatever. My mood lifted completely when I talked to him, I was no longer sad, angry, tired, or frustrated with anything. I felt normal again. After that ended around 3 to 4 AM, I went to bed and slept in until 11 the next day. I did nothing after that and I hung out on the internet. Tumblr, Facebook, YouTube, reading Manga and doing nothing productive.

Right at the moment though, I have strong urges to re-write Free Falling, or at least do over the characters. I am still taking a break from December Never Ends, I need to re-read it, but I don’t want to at the moment. I will soon though.

I am using the new notebook I got at MOA and its pretty cool, I love B&N.
(Barnes and Nobles)

I spent all of my money on that trip and I know that this pay check, I will be nearly broke too, especially if I save money for my future trip later this year to another country. Which is now my newest goal this year.

1.Get my license by the end of Feb.
2. Get my passport by 19 (Apr. 21)
3. Save money every month
4. Travel to a different country or state (Hawaii, Idaho, Alaska, Washington, or somewhere else) if possible before December. I want to go before the snow, so around Late August-mid November.

Okay, after that blabber, I am reading stuff over characters, and I am going to write stuff, I wanted to write an update of the reason why I wasn’t quite as active lately (Depression and exhaustion.) I’ll be back in no time! I just need to get it together.

All Open

As I wrote, I confessed on Monday to a guy that I work with, and since I share my life and deep feelings with the people who happen to virtually walk by, here is my mixed up and emotional story.

I am 18, he is 23. He is nice, cute, funny, somewhat shy and I feel comfortable talking to him and looking at him, I get that relaxed feeling.  Part of me is tired from being alone and single, but another is wanting to get to know this guy more and more, but closer. I kept feeling down the more and more I thought about the idea of a relationship, and it wasn’t that I was down about him, it was more of my self-confidence and skills that brought my thoughts crashing to the ground. I kept feeling that I didn’t have it in me and it was even worse when I saw him conversing easily with people who could actually hang around and talk to him. Of course I also thought it wouldn’t work out because we work together, but I never had a clue for age, I feel like it isn’t that much of a problem when the other is actually legal.

My feelings got to the point, where Monday came along and I needed to confess or something, I was super down, depressed, and jealous of others and it was effecting everything around me. I told him that I needed to tell him something after work and we walked home to his house and we talking about something else, until we got to his house. It was about time to leave and I was nervous and almost rethinking my confession but I decided to do it anyway, but I didn’t do it how I wanted to. I told him “I like you.” And I sort of walked away, that was my first mistake. He later told me that he was sort of confused and I kicked myself in the stomach for that. I was super nervous and I technically gave him the rest of that night and a whole day to think about it.

Wednesday came around and I was super excited for work because of him, and I originally had a good feeling, and it got better when I was able to ask my boss if I could do something special for Valentines Day. I don’t know if I am able to do it yet though. Anyway, him and I didn’t talk as much as I wanted to because it was sort of awkward and he is a hard worker. I also would’ve gotten into trouble if I just waltzed over there all the time like other people do, and I hate them for it. Okay, I strongly dislike them (that is where my jealousy kicks in).

During lunch break when everyone was busy talking and after I have had my fill of depressing emotions, I told him that I don’t need to hear his reply, when honestly I did. That is mistake number two. He gave an awkward smile and I felt stupid. I kept my timing terrible throughout the whole day. What is even worse, I went back later and tried to explain to him that I wanted to hear it yet I didn’t and he looked completely confused, and there’s mistake number three. I felt super pathetic after everything and I completely hated my blabbering mouth for confessing and trying to take it back. I hated it.

I had my hopes up. I tried not too but I couldn’t help it. The last time I had my hopes sky-high, they got shot down with rockets when I realized that I was being played with.

Later, when I was off the clock I went to get him to make me my food, and while he did that I asked him if he heard me on Monday, and he said he did. That’s where he told me that he was left confused and didn’t know what to do because I just walked away. I also told him that when I attempted to come up to him the third time, that I was trying to say that I did and did not want to hear his answer and that is when he told me. He said I was a cool girl and he likes me as a friend but (as I interpreted it) he can see us as anything more because of the age, I guess. My heart kind of stopped. It was already hard enough to breathe confronting him about my confessing and the answer for it, but it was even harder to hear it. He also told me that I have balls for confessing and he was trying to reject me in the nicest way possible. It was the nicest way possible, I got friend-zoned so at least it isn’t all that bad, at least I am not hated.

I got my sandwich and I left after having a fake smile on my face, telling him I understand and that its fine. I walk away and I held back my tears, but when I look at my friends, I want to cry. I held it in though and I grabbed my stuff and it was time for me to leave because my other friend was here to pick me up and that’s when I cried a little bit. He didn’t know what to do, but no one really does. I really got my hopes up and it sucks trying to find a partner and you get rejected. It hurts and I never know what to do and I just want to keep crying or stay in a hole for the rest of my life.

I over complicate things though, so I can’t really argue. I should have confessed and then waited for his reply, it would have been better, but it would have also been better if I didn’t tell anyone that I like him, because they got their hopes up for us and in turn, my hopes raised internally.

What Door Would You Walk Through?

Pick the door that looks the most appealing to you. To get your results click here

I chose door number four because it was the most appealing to me, I really like the design work on it and the color is nice, though I would prefer it to be darker. I was thinking about picking number one, but I didn’t feel right about it. So, without further adieu, here is my description.

4 – You are an old soul that can be slightly dramatic. You are a very artistic person that loves to express yourself through writing, music, art or some kind of expression. You are a dichotomy; for you can be very open and friendly, yet closed and deeply private. You often have your guard up, keeping your thoughts and troubles to yourself. Although you might think that nobody will truly understand you, if you allow yourself to open up and share your feelings, you will feel so much better. Deep down you are not aright with any imperfections and you feel the need to come across as “the rock” in any group situation. Know that people are willing to share their feelings with you and want you to share your feelings with them.

When I read this, I felt like it was spot it. It’s true and it baffled me. I thought you guys should know this. I always have a hard time explaining things about myself because I jump all over the place, but this little quiz just got straight to the point and didn’t waste any effort. Which is what I need to do.

I really like personality tests because I can find things out about myself that I could never word properly, or its like being told this and it is easier to understand than just to assume it by yourself. When the description talked about me being the rock in situations, it made me think of my situation today. I was at the local bar with my friends, and even though I am only 18, I could still go because they serve food until a certain time. It is Taco Tuesdays and my friend and I met up with another friend and they were chit chatting away and I was sitting there listening like I was eavesdropping, but I wasn’t. I was technically in the conversation, I just never spoke up. Plus, when I wanted to say something I held my tongue because someone else would speak right after the other and I didn’t want to be rude and quickly say something so another person could be quiet. I’m not that person anymore, I used to blab all the time without a care in the world and now, since I was told it is annoying, I rarely get my opinion out there, and when I do… Well its later on when the conversation is dead and it is somewhat misleading when I speak/bring it up again.

I don’t hate my personality, I just need to make adjustments, when I read that I can be slightly dramatic, at first I had the reaction of a firm no. However, I thought for a bit and realized that I am dramatic about a lot of things, especially myself. I also agree that I am an artistic person and I do express myself better through physical objects and creations. I would never be able to tell someone my past face to face because its hard and I don’t know how to talk about it, but if I wrote about it, it’d be much easier to do. The next part it describes about me being a dichotomy, is 100% true! I am always like that, on certain things I let everything go and no one will hear the end of my thoughts on the certain topic we’ll be conversing about. Other times, like this afternoon, I’ll be quiet and I will take myself out of the picture to listen and not interrupt with a stupid comment or something of the sort.
(Speaking of interrupting, the guy I confessed to works tomorrow and I am really nervous for a reply, I am going to tell him straight out that I don’t expect one and I just needed to tell him that I liked him before I went crazy, I will say something like that.)
The rest of what it talks about it pretty much true too, one of these days I am going to write a post about the most troubling things for me, and it is going to be about me and how I think. I will attempt to explain it because I know a lot of people who were my friends don’t keep up with my blog anymore, so I can just let it all out. Even though I would do it anyway because this is like my journal. It is my journal

Before Work

My weekend at the Mall of America was a roller coaster of emotions, but overall, I had a blast. Right at the moment, my cell phone is not working to my advantage. I hope it starts working on Wednesday because I just confessed to this guy yesterday afternoon and I didn’t give him my number because I am stupid.

I cleaned my room up and did my laundry, today I need to finish some cleaning and fold my clothes because I passed out last night while the dryer was going, I didn’t want to get up and bring my clothes back to fall asleep on them.

While I was at the mall with friends, I realized that I never did anything alone at malls, I was always with friends, but it just so happens that we all split up every now and then. When I was wandering the gigantic mall alone a strong sense of freedom overwhelmed me and I became aware of everything around me. I wasn’t drowning in a conversation that was happening right beside my ear, and sometimes that isn’t a bad thing. When I was alone, a strong urge and feeling bubbled up and I realized that I want to solo travel. I’ve already said that I wanted to travel the world and all, but I didn’t know if I would bring someone or try to get a group going. Now I know that I want to travel alone and get the full-fledged experience by myself, so then I won’t be drowned in the conversation that is in my language. I will be lost in the foreign world and beauty of a place I have never even thought of, or dreamed of.

The Mall of America experience made me want to travel the world solo. It’ll be me against the world.

-

Oh and literally as I posted this, my phone started working, am I a genius or what?

Adventures

I am on an adventure this weekend. The great mall of America with friends. So far it is super fun, but for some reason I am having up and down feelings. Yesterday, all my friends wanted to go out and have fun at a bar or dance club that is located downtown. My feelings on it were “yes! go have fun you guys, I want to stay here and explore the mall,” and so they went and I stayed. I was okay with that too. I actually went shopping because I was by myself. I spent all of my money, but I have to return an item because it is for a Nikon camera and I have a Canon, so I get 62 dollars back.

I met a lot of people and people talked to me because of my camera, if I had my ticket to the aquarium, I would go back down there and take a bunch of photos again, because I wouldn’t feel rushed this time. Travelling alone in the Mall of America makes me want to travel the world alone! The mall seemed so much bigger by myself and it was an amazing feeling. I went into the stores I found interesting and I discovered new things by myself too. I have all day today to go and explore and I feel excited yet depressed. I think it is my comfort zone amd my insecurities acting up.