Monthly Archives: July 2013

I got my first tattoo. It hurt near the end when working on the second wing on my left shoulder. It was painful because she first did the outline then worked on shading and coloring on the white wing and by the time we got to the left, it was really sore and it hurt big time. I almost cried but it was well worth it. I am so happy. It feels so unreal that I actually have a tattoo that I wanted on my body! It’s an amazing feeling!

DSCF6343This is the tattoo I hope to get very soon, as soon as this Saturday, the 27. This means a lot to me, I drew it and it’s hard to explain.
The fallen feathers seem to indicate a loss on an emotional, physical, and spiritual loss. To me it is saying “Hard times may cause the feathers to fall off, but that will not keep my wings from flying.” The wings represent freedom, and my choices. It represents where I will go in life and what I want.
The fallen feathers also mean “I love you” and “I hate you”. Those are two phrases that I rarely say anymore, because I fully understand what they mean, and they are precious and should be used sparely. The “I love you” phrase is something important to me because, it is hard for me to say it, in fear of being left behind. The “I hate you” phrase is something I never want to use again, because I know that I will never hate anything or anyone because I can’t. It’s too hard and stressful to hate things. And hate is the most powerful word.
A strange thing too, the first set of feathers the base of the winds have 6 little bumps in it represent my mothers maiden name and the last name I want to keep, Powell. It my last name, my mothers, and my favorite grandparents. Plus cousins. The Powell family is great, and I wouldn’t want any other last name. It’s also Finnish. Finland is beautiful and I want to visit someday.
The row with nine represent my name, Paige Lynn. I love my name, it was chosen by my parents who were in love and not any longer.
There are 10 feathers on the last row and that represents my fathers last name, Provencher. It means a lot to me because I used to be a daddy’s girl. I am no longer.
“No fear” is meant to mean no fear. I am so afraid of a lot of things and in my future travels , I hope to no longer be afraid. It’s meant to keep me from being afraid to fall in love and get hurt as well.
The wings in general, to me, mean that I want to be as fast as I can. I love to run and I want to run with all my might. When I run I feel like I am flying and I love that feeling.
Another random and stupid thing. Over all there are 56 feathers on this tattoo. 6-5 is 1, and that’s my future. 5-6 is -1, and that’s my past. 5+6 is 11, and 1-1 is 0 and that is my present, the me right now.

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The thoughts that cloud my mind and heart.

I feel like I want to go off the clock. Everything is hard, my thoughts towards all my friends, like all the paranoia. “Are they really my friends?” “Why aren’t we hanging out?” Stuff like that. Other people tend to make my thoughts worsen because I get too attached and I idolize too much. This is why I seriously think I should be alone, and end up alone. I don’t know how to interact with more than one person. I want everyone to like me. I want to like everyone. I want to feel accepted and welcomed, but that never happens. So, I feel like I should be alone, and lately I’ve been thinking about going off the social life radar. And instantly, I wonder who will notice or care. I don’t know, people don’t seem to care anyway, I mean… seriously. In the end, all we need to do is depend on ourselves, right?

In the end, I will still question myself if I am a good enough friend, or if I am being played. I am too naive, and I am too nice, and caring… I pretty much bribe people to be my friends without trying. I offer to pay when I can because, in reality, I’m not fun. All I do is sit around. I have nothing to offer, and I don’t seem to be the person to go out and have fun, seriously, I am never offered to do anything, and I am always too afraid to join in.

I am the third wheel.

I am the outcast.

I am the outsider.

I am the one who will be alone.

I can’t share things that easily, I do sometimes. I share things that hurt and I hide the pain because I don’t want to seem vulnerable. I don’t want to seem like I am trying to get attention. I don’t want to be that person, but I think I am that person. And, since that has come to my attention, I don’t want anything to do with people because that ‘attention seeker’ type of person is really annoying and has no friends. And here I am. I fit the profile.

I have no filter on my mouth because I think that everything that comes out of my mouth isn’t funny so I have to add horrible and un-laughable shit so I can seem different or something. So I can become apart of the conversation. I always speak of the negative because I am so focused on the beauty of the green grass and the blue sky that all I think about is how other people find entertainment in TV or other things that I don’t find myself apart of, so all I have to talk about is negative situations in my household life.

I distance myself from people, and I connect with people over the simplest thing. I am scared to speak my mind to people in fear of losing everything that I have with them. I am afraid of telling what I feel towards friends because I have the nagging feeling in the back of my head that says ‘they don’t care, you’re annoying.’ The thing that sucks, I will never get an answer. I can’t be true over the internet, talking with others and what-not. It’s better in person, but I can’t have that when I feel like avoiding others, and this is why I don’t get out much. No one asks me to hang out anymore. I never got that much, but when I did, I’d always say yes because.. I thought “someone cares” but I feel like I get used in the end, when that fun I had disappears. But I don’t, I hope, it’s just my paranoia.

I’m sad, lonely, and depressed. The simplest things can make me the happiest person in the world, but the simplest things can bring me to shit.

I am afraid of everything. The world. The people. Myself.


I want to open up to someone, but I don’t want to be that person. I need help, I say that a lot, but I don’t want any, but I do want it. I don’t know.

I want a friend that I can call on at any time of day or night, that will come running for me.

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This picture is the perfect description. I have never met someone that will talk to me about the clouds, or the sky. Or the stars. I never met someone that will talk to me about how beautiful every morning is, the silence, the gentle breeze in the grass. I’ve never met someone to talk to like that, the simple things are important to me and gives me life. I want to meet my partner, that will give me life through the simple things. However, the simple things can be the hardest things in life.

I don’t know where I intend to go with this.

I want to be alone, I don’t want to.

I want to love, but I don’t want to.

I want to get hurt, but I don’t.

I deserve it all, that’s what I think but sometimes I know I don’t.

It all reverts between one and the other. It all concludes to what I am.

I am everything, I am every emotion, I am every thought. I am every action. I am everything I say, think, do, and feel. It’s all me, and I hate it and I love it.

I want to be accepted, I want attention, I want love, I want peace, and i want none of it. Its confusing, and I want someone to understand where I come from. Is that hard to ask for?