I feel like I want to go off the clock. Everything is hard, my thoughts towards all my friends, like all the paranoia. “Are they really my friends?” “Why aren’t we hanging out?” Stuff like that. Other people tend to make my thoughts worsen because I get too attached and I idolize too much. This is why I seriously think I should be alone, and end up alone. I don’t know how to interact with more than one person. I want everyone to like me. I want to like everyone. I want to feel accepted and welcomed, but that never happens. So, I feel like I should be alone, and lately I’ve been thinking about going off the social life radar. And instantly, I wonder who will notice or care. I don’t know, people don’t seem to care anyway, I mean… seriously. In the end, all we need to do is depend on ourselves, right?
In the end, I will still question myself if I am a good enough friend, or if I am being played. I am too naive, and I am too nice, and caring… I pretty much bribe people to be my friends without trying. I offer to pay when I can because, in reality, I’m not fun. All I do is sit around. I have nothing to offer, and I don’t seem to be the person to go out and have fun, seriously, I am never offered to do anything, and I am always too afraid to join in.
I am the third wheel.
I am the outcast.
I am the outsider.
I am the one who will be alone.
I can’t share things that easily, I do sometimes. I share things that hurt and I hide the pain because I don’t want to seem vulnerable. I don’t want to seem like I am trying to get attention. I don’t want to be that person, but I think I am that person. And, since that has come to my attention, I don’t want anything to do with people because that ‘attention seeker’ type of person is really annoying and has no friends. And here I am. I fit the profile.
I have no filter on my mouth because I think that everything that comes out of my mouth isn’t funny so I have to add horrible and un-laughable shit so I can seem different or something. So I can become apart of the conversation. I always speak of the negative because I am so focused on the beauty of the green grass and the blue sky that all I think about is how other people find entertainment in TV or other things that I don’t find myself apart of, so all I have to talk about is negative situations in my household life.
I distance myself from people, and I connect with people over the simplest thing. I am scared to speak my mind to people in fear of losing everything that I have with them. I am afraid of telling what I feel towards friends because I have the nagging feeling in the back of my head that says ‘they don’t care, you’re annoying.’ The thing that sucks, I will never get an answer. I can’t be true over the internet, talking with others and what-not. It’s better in person, but I can’t have that when I feel like avoiding others, and this is why I don’t get out much. No one asks me to hang out anymore. I never got that much, but when I did, I’d always say yes because.. I thought “someone cares” but I feel like I get used in the end, when that fun I had disappears. But I don’t, I hope, it’s just my paranoia.
I’m sad, lonely, and depressed. The simplest things can make me the happiest person in the world, but the simplest things can bring me to shit.
I am afraid of everything. The world. The people. Myself.
I want to open up to someone, but I don’t want to be that person. I need help, I say that a lot, but I don’t want any, but I do want it. I don’t know.
I want a friend that I can call on at any time of day or night, that will come running for me.
This picture is the perfect description. I have never met someone that will talk to me about the clouds, or the sky. Or the stars. I never met someone that will talk to me about how beautiful every morning is, the silence, the gentle breeze in the grass. I’ve never met someone to talk to like that, the simple things are important to me and gives me life. I want to meet my partner, that will give me life through the simple things. However, the simple things can be the hardest things in life.
I don’t know where I intend to go with this.
I want to be alone, I don’t want to.
I want to love, but I don’t want to.
I want to get hurt, but I don’t.
I deserve it all, that’s what I think but sometimes I know I don’t.
It all reverts between one and the other. It all concludes to what I am.
I am everything, I am every emotion, I am every thought. I am every action. I am everything I say, think, do, and feel. It’s all me, and I hate it and I love it.
I want to be accepted, I want attention, I want love, I want peace, and i want none of it. Its confusing, and I want someone to understand where I come from. Is that hard to ask for?