Monthly Archives: June 2013

One Week

Over the course of one week, while I was away in Minnesota, I had a lot of time to think. I thought a lot, unknowingly. While I tanned, I thought. While I was in pain with every movement I took due to the sunburn, I thought. While I swam, ate, sang, drank, dances, talked, slept, relaxed, or played… I thought. I thought about everything. I was away from the thing called internet, had my phone and that was pretty much it. I stayed with my friend Mel, her mother and father, and her brother-Matt and his girlfriend of two years-Angie. She brought her daughter, Jaydah(I call her Jay), and her daughters friend, Emma. 

The group of ours stayed on a house boat for almost a week. Monday night to Friday morning. Through out this week, I experienced bliss in every thought. I learned to apologize and thank. I didn’t want to seem as rude as I am with my family due to how they act. I learned to keep my mouth shut at times as well(we all know how much I talk without thinking). The kids were very fond of me, and I was fond of everyone. The first few nights, I was unsociable with the people who sat at the fire pit, which was everyone but myself. Then I did for the last two nights. It was fun and I regret, just a little, that I didn’t go earlier. 

I miss the starry skies I laid under. I miss the waves I rocked on throughout the day. I miss the trees, the birds, the fish, the laughter. I miss the fact that not everyone there knew of all that I have done and I was okay with that, because I usually tell everyone my life story within three days of knowing them. Over the course of this trip, of one week, I laughed more, I smiled more, I frowned more, I cried more, I giggled more than I have before. Why, people may ask. I think for a couple reasons. I was with a dear friend of mine, I was away from the town of familiar faces and locations, I was on a quite large lake living in a house boat. I was with people I’ve known all together for less than a week(all including the times that I’ve seen them). I was away from internet. I was away from my life. I thought about all these things while living there. It was a well needed experience, and it was beautiful through all the mess of it. 

I took off work for a full week. I go back on Monday, bright and early-5:30 AM to 3:15 PM. Wake up to getting home. For the last week of June, right around the corner; Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, those times. Saturday is the last day I will be working with the part timers that work at night, I will miss them. The first week of July will be my first week full time at my work place, in place of the baker, Betty, who is leaving after 6 years. In November, it will be my 2nd year working there-for my first job- and already I am getting full time. My family and I are proud of this news. 

I finished reading Memoirs of a Geisha, it was amazing, truly inspirational and magnificent. I adored it so much I will buy it, just like White Oleander. I never come across amazing reads like that. Honestly, White Oleander and Memoirs of a Geisha are my two most inspirational and well written books that I adore. 

That’s all I can focus on writing for tonight/morning. I’m pretty exhausted and I need some rest. 

Hey, guys! I got great news! I am

Hey, guys! I got great news! I am going full time at my work place, in July! It turns out that our baker, Betty, is moving home, and I am replacing her. I am going to be gone for the week of June 16-23 on a trip to MN. Then I will be back, but the rest of this week, Wednesday-Saturday, I will be 7am to 230pm. Then the week after I get back, it will be everyday 7am to 230pm except Wednesday. Then Starting July 1st, I will be on my own, Monday through Friday 7AM to 330PM. It’s 130 am, and today I work at 4pm, it is my last night at Palmers and the 29th, is my last Saturday at Palmers. I’m kind of sad, because i grew with all the night people, I will miss them, but I know all the day people so that’s alright.

I’m getting my tattoo at the end of next week, when I am back from my trip so I can do stuff. I guess. I’m excited. I am talking to this guy I’ve had my eye on for a bit. It’s fun and spontaneous. 

Situations

My room is a mess. My mother yelled at me to find the mail key when I told her I don’t have it. I yelled at her too, so I can’t blamer her. I told her, though, to get out of my room. I’m not dealing with her shit anymore. The reason why I end up yelling, is because she is yelling at me. She knows how to talk. 

Then she yelled at my dad about it. They started fighting and he yelled at her more because she changed around the dishes in the cabinets. REALLY? That is something to get seriously angry about? He threw the plastic containers on the ground!? My dad is stupid sometimes, but that isn’t the big problem here. My mom got super angry. I heard her yell “Oh throwing plastic makes you a big boy? How about this?” She threw all of the plates and bowls he bought and threw them on the floor. It was kind of scary. I wanted out. I ended up staying though because no one could kidnap me. I walked out there after dad and holly left, and she looked at me with a huge smile on her face. All I was thinking is “That’s not fucking funny.”  I didn’t say anything though. Apparently I don’t have a right because she is my mother, but I think I should still tell her how her actions effect me. However, I think that would hurt her a lot. She likes to take all my words for a joke whenever I am serious with her. 

Say your name

Hello, My name is Paige. I am named after a blonde in Knots landing. My mother loved that show, but its nothing important. There are no stories or associations attached to the name I was given, and I definitely would not change it at all. I am a writer, and I will not change the name "Paige" to something else. It's perfect for me. It tells everyone what I love to write on. A Page.

Powered by Plinky

You and I.

She’s the center of attention,

She’s the center of the world.

She says she is my friends,

yet she doesn’t act like it.

I’m tired of it.

I fade to the background,

and become a wallflower,

 as I watch her as she is showered with

attention.

I watch her as she doesn’t realize 

that I am slipping away.

I gave her my all.

My knowledge, 

My friendship,

My trust,

My stories,

My truths.

I gave it all to you.

As a friend.

You seem to not even notice,

how much I care.

How much I did care.

How much good I meant for you.

I don’t have many friends.

When I find one

I try not to monopolize them.

I tried not to, for you.

I didn’t.

But you were important to me,

as a friend. 

I tried to be your friend.

It seemed like you didn’t try hard at all.

Are you trying?

Is that why you never talk to me?

Never text me?

Never hang out with me?

I can’t be the only one who tries 

to be a friend.

In every relationship, 

it takes two.

I don’t know if this makes sense or not, I just get really upset easily. I have very few friends and I don’t blame anyone for that, Its how I was raised and its been like that all my life. I’m not with the in crowd, I am awkward and annoying. I talk way to much and too loud when i get excited. I have annoying habits to speak of awkward things and sad, depressing things. As I have learned. I connect with people mostly on a negative level, and I am not a very positive person. Almost all the time, i feel that no one cares about what I have to say, and I generally talk about things that make people uncomfortable. I don’t know how to act and control my impulses. I get jealous and upset easily and I get depressed really easily. My mood swings upset me even more, and it all depresses me. I am changing my ways, but it is really hard right now. I need to make changes in my life and maybe move out for a limited time so I can become a healthier version of myself. 

More Confessions

  • 1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?  No. I wouldn’t. The second to last person though. Can I say that? Yeah.
  • 2. You talked to an ex today, correct? Yes. I did.
  • 3. Have you taken someones virginity? Yes. I have. 
  • 4. Is trust a big issue for you? Sometimes, it depends on if the person loses my trust in the first place.
  • 5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? Yes. I did. 
  • 6. What are you excited for? Um. The next time I hang out with the person i like, obviously. So, I am excited for tomorrow. The guy doesn’t know I like him, but I will see him tomorrow afternoon.
  • 7. What happened tonight? I lost my wallet. I rode my bike back to my work place, couldn’t find it and rode my bike outside of town to refresh myself and calm down.
  • 8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? Um, I don’t know? I haven’t seen girls really wasted. 
  • 9. Is confidence cute? Yes.
  • 10. What is the last beverage you had? A soda.
  • 11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? Thats a good question.
  • 12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Indeed I do.
  • 13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? Sleep, unless I hang out with a friend. ;)
  • 14. What are you going to spend money on next? My trip to Minnesota. 
  • 15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? No.
  • 16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? Nope, I don’t really want it to change.
  • 17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? My manager, and my friend Holiday.
  • 18. The last time you felt broken? Today.
  • 19. Have you had sex today? No.
  • 20. Are you starting to realize anything? Yeah, I guess.
  • 21. Are you in a good mood? Not really. It’s been a crappy mood all day.
  • 22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? Yes.
  • 23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? Nope.
  • 24. What do you want right this second? This guy that probably doesn’t like me. And I want some chocolate.
  • 25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? “I knew it wasn’t going to be me.”
  • 26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Uh, no. For some reason the color isn’t leaving.
  • 27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? No I love to laugh.
  • 28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? Uh, Something at work. I believe.
  • 29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? Yes. He doesn’t miss me.
  • 30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Not everyone. It depends on how the person lost the first chance.
  • 31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? No.
  • 32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? Hell no! At least I don’t think he does.
  • 33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? Pretty much. I’ve stopped for the most part, I just needed on today.
  • 34. Listening to? The sound of my computer fan.
  • 35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? I do. I love it
  • 36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? He is probably at home.
  • 37. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes.
  • 38. Who did you last call? My grandmother? No, My grandpa.
  • 39. Who was the last person you danced with? Wow… DJ, at prom. 
  • 40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Um, I was in the mood. 
  • 41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? I don’t remember.
  • 42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? No.
  • 43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? All the time, literally EVERY DAY I SEE HIM.
  • 44. Do you tan in the nude? If I went tanning, I would.
  • 45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? I don’t know.
  • 46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? No. I don’t have anyone that would do that. 
  • 47. Who was the last person to call you? My grandpa.
  • 48. Do you sing in the shower? Sometimes.
  • 49. Do you dance in the car? I do, in everyone else’s car because I can’t drive.
  • 50. Ever used a bow and arrow? Yes.
  • 51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Um… Prom.
  • 52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? No.
  • 53. Is Christmas stressful? Yes.
  • 54. Ever eat a pierogi? What is that!?
  • 55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Cherry.
  • 56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Vet.
  • 57. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes.
  • 58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? YES.
  • 59. Take a vitamin daily? Not yet.
  • 60. Wear slippers? Sometimes.
  • 61. Wear a bath robe? Yes.
  • 62. What do you wear to bed? Hehehe. Birthday suit.
  • 63. First concert? Uh, it was winter jam…
  • 64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Target.
  • 65. Nike or Adidas? Nike.
  • 66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Fritos
  • 67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Sunflower seeds.
  • 68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? Safe and Sound.
  • 69. Ever take dance lessons? Yes. Salsa.
  • 70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? No. Not really.
  • 71. Can you curl your tongue? Yes.
  • 72. Ever won a spelling bee? Like I would remember.
  • 73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? yes.
  • 74. What is your favorite book? White Oleander.
  • 75. Do you study better with or without music? With music.
  • 76. Regularly burn incense? Used to.
  • 77. Ever been in love? Three times. It hurts in the end. :/
  • 78. Who would you like to see in concert? I don’t know.
  • 79. What was the last concert you saw? I think it was in May 2011, or 2010. I was at VM and it was hardcore. I body surfed and was in a mosh pit. 
  • 80. Hot tea or cold tea? Both.
  • 81. Tea or coffee? Both.
  • 82. Favorite type of cookie? Pixie from work. Or the classic chocolate chip.
  • 83. Can you swim well? Yes.
  • 84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes,
  • 85. Are you patient? Mostly.
  • 86. DJ or band, at a wedding?Dj.
  • 87. Ever won a contest? Uh, I think I did…. I don’t remember.
  • 88. Ever have plastic surgery? No.
  • 89. Which are better black or green olives? Neither.
  • 90. Opinions on sex before marriage? Uh, None.
  • 91. Best room for a fireplace? The living room. Mine splits between kitchen and living room.
  • 92. Do you want to get married? Maybe.

Lately

Today started out okay. Even though every day, it takes more and more for me to get out of bed. I did what I needed to do. I read some stuff a little bit, now I am just feeling like crap. I don’t know. I worked out too, but it didn’t help that much. I work tonight, like every night. I just feel like I want to waste away right now. I don’t know why.

I’m not as far down as I used to be, but I just keep thinking and that gets me in the wrong places-in my head. I am trying to change my life around, but it doesn’t help when my family is the major part of all my feelings. I want my dad and his mistress to move out soon. Mother, Sean and I will sort out the house and get better. I will eventually get a stable job and live on my own. 

I will probably be alone, too. I don’t talk to my friends much, and I don’t see anyone much either. Depressing. I’m okay for now though. I just need to get everything sorted. Soon.