Monthly Archives: May 2013

What I’ve done

It’s 1 am here. I was going to go to bed earlier, but I couldn’t. I don’t get a lot of sleep lately. Too many things on my mind, I guess. I’m going on a trip on the 17th I believe, and it’ll be fun-I hope. One week on a house boat in Minnesota! With some people I know and don’t know. I wonder what I will do with all that free time away from work. I wonder if we will go to mall of america. 

I have a huge crush on this guy, I bet nothing will go down that rode. He doesn’t plan on staying here long, so I guess relationships are out of the question, even though some fun happened between him and I. I can handle it, I’m used to being with just me, myself, and I. It is better that way, sometimes. 

I have all day, until 4 PM tomorrow. I might right some more, no I will write some more. I will upload more on to my December Never Ends, and my other novels in the making. I haven’t been writing much lately, but it’s nice to take a break from projects. My mind gets a beautiful start. I plan on writing everyday on that trip. It should(well I hope) be beautiful and relaxing. I also plan on developing and memorizing a perfect yoga routine that I want. I will do that there as well. I need to save up on 200 bucks for the trip or else I can’t go, and I so want to go. I need to. I have to. It’s like, that trip would be a getaway from my mind in Iowa, maybe I can sort out all of my thoughts there, and live. Maybe I can decide what I really want to do. Maybe I will find myself even more. 

I’m a pretty emotional person, and I am also a negative, yet sometimes positive person. I talk too much and spill too much about my personal life. I shouldn’t do that, but I do. It’s just outrageous, I still can’t believe it’s happening, here’s the gist! It’s me, my mother, and my brother. My mom and father are married by Common Law Marriage(its on paper and everything). My father lives with his mistress, who happens to live in our house. So it’s all of us together. My mother and Holly(dad’s girlfriend) Don’t like each other. My brother doesn’t care for the whole situation and, I am kinda stuck in the middle. I want to get along with everyone, but my mom doesn’t want me to talk to her… What’s even worse(and off topic) I tell my mom about how my day goes and what I do… She keeps telling me that I am ‘so like her,’ and that makes me go crazy. I don’t want to be like her. I feel like am NOT her. It’s making me irritated. I am similar, but I am me. I am my own person and if I say I am not like my mother, well I am not like my mother. I am not like her at all. 

You know, I get really lonely easily. I just have dreams, where I am holding this person, and I am sensual and seductive and sweet and caring, and a whole lot of other things. I feel so calm when I can feel someone with me and know they aren’t leaving, but I can’t feel like that anymore. I don’t really have anyone that I connect with and feel that way with, all the people I did feel that way with left and or ‘fell out of love’ with me. I just want to touch someone like how I want to be touched, and that’s what I do. If I rub someones back, I want that done to me. Everything I do, I want done. 

Anyway, on the other hand, on a different topic, I got off of work at 830 today. It was tiring, and on another hand. I threw my phone in the washer with all my bed sheets, so I got an old phone that is the same model but the buttons are broken. That’s all I have for updates. I need to sleep. Goodnight.

So, my ideal guy isn’t so high up

So, my ideal guy isn’t so high up there anymore. The guys that I kind of like are taller, and skinny, muscular if possible.. With a cute/good looking face. That’s what I seem to lust for, but what really grabs my complete attention is whether the guy can hold a conversation and if I can get along with him. That’s probably the most accurate ideal guy type I have, mostly because the serious ‘omg Im going to melt’ ideal guy type, doesn’t exist anywhere in my range of guys who would find me attractive enough to date. I’m a pretty weird person, so I don’t date much. 

My Confessions

Hey, people who may still read all my stuff. I really like answering questions, so I decided that I will take an A-Z list of random questions and answer them on here. No one has to ask me, I will answer them all. I like answering questions and finding out more about myself, it’s pretty fun to me! 

A - If I’m in love.

I don’t think I am in love. I feel like I miss someone, and I did love him, and I still kind of do. I think, if you ever love someone, you can never stop loving them, you just develop different feelings of love. There are the feelings like ‘I love you and I want you’ a.k.a. lust. There are the feelings like ‘I love you and I want you to be mine.’ I think that is how I describe infatuation, there isn’t really any reason behind it and it could also be love at first sight, which can fade fast unless you get the feelings like ‘I’ve talked to you, and heard from you… I love you.’ Something around there sounds like the person has gotten to know the one they are in love with and they feel that they seriously do love them. That’s my loves end up. I can love a lot, given time and patience, and of course the interest that never fades.

B - Who the last person I talked to on the phone was.

I called my grandmother, I got a new phone number due to a guy who was harassing me on I-pod numbers and text free apps with different number. That guy can not comprehend, “please stop,” but that is another story for another day.

C - How long it’s been since I’ve kissed.

It’s been a while. The last person that I’ve kissed, I didn’t have feelings for, I wanted to see what it would feel like if I didn’t have feelings for them, and I felt nothing. It’s sad and I didn’t like it. I like when I can kiss someone that I love or have feelings for. If I don’t it feels like nothing and unpleasant. 

- If I have a preference for boys or girls.

My preference is guys, but I do have the tendency to do some things with girls. Or a girl, who happens to be my best friend. That’s what happens. I’m a big tease and it’s fun to mess around. But! It’s nothing perverted or anything that goes farther than first base.

E - How many holes I have in my ears.

I only have the one that I got when I was really young, and I don’t even wear earrings.

F - Give me any options, like ‘hot or cold?’

Well, if it’s hot, I like hot chocolate and hot baths and showers. If it’s cold, I like cold drinking water, ice cream and sometimes the refreshing splash of cold water to wake my senses.

- The last person I said ‘I love you’ to.

I think that was my best friend. I’m pretty sure it was my best friend, Holiday. I always tell her I love her, she is my best friend and I’d be a total ghost if I never knew her. I wouldn’t get out of the house or anything if it weren’t for her.

H - The last person I hugged.

The last person I hugged, I believe, was also Holiday. I don’t really hug my parents because we aren’t really the touchy-feel type. Sometimes I wish we were, but it’s never gonna happen I bet. Well, things happen unexpectedly, so it might happen.

I - The last time I felt jealous, and why.

Um, at work. I’m kind of an outcast there, but I can also be pretty social and outgoing. I’m still not used to some of the people, but it doesn’t really matter since they left anyway. I see how they all act and I wish they could act that way with me too. That’s about it for my jealous feelings.

- How old I am.

I am 18. 

K- What my full name is.

My full name is Paige Lynn Powell.

- If I have siblings.

I have an older brother named Sean. He will be 21 in July.

M - If I forgive betrayal.

What kind of betrayal, one time a friend betrayed my trust, and so I still don’t forgive her because she isn’t sorry about it at all. I don’t like when people lie to me. And I don’t think I have been betrayed any other way.

N - If you want to know how I treat my friends.

I treat my friends like they are queens or kings, if they are super close and important to me. I almost always end up monopolizing or try to. My regular friends I treat as friends that I talk to and occasionally/rarely hang out. If they are so called friends that only need me at a certain time, then I don’t really treat them as friends, they are people. Even if they were my friend at some point. If they don’t care then I shouldn’t either.

O - If I like my school.

I did. A lot of drama, but I grew up with that school.

P - What kind of music I like.

I like any kind of music and listen to any kind. It all depends on my mood, ya know?

Q - What the last party I went to was, and when the next will be.

The last party I went to was so long ago, I think it was the workplace’s Christmas party in January. The next party will be over the summer, at my house.

S - 2 habits.

Picking my nails, and scratching my head, when I am nervous or don’t know what to do.

T- 5 things I love unconditionally.

1.Holiday.
2. My job/working.
3.Life
4.My hobbies
5.My ideas

U - How many texts I send daily.

I barely text, so probably at the most 15, not even that.

V - 3 big dreams.

1. Become a writer and live off of writing books, while living in my own house in the mountains or somewhere warm, with a beautiful shower and bedroom. All by myself with perfect mornings and perfect times where I can be myself and workout how I want. With all the space I need, especially so I can walk around naked or something like that.

2. Become the person I want to become and live my dreams and inspire others. Own a beautiful place and discover the world little by little.

3. Have a husband and children, raised in the country. Teach them all about life and how to protect oneself, but also how to let the defenses go sometimes, saying it’s okay to get hurt, but just know how to get back up again and remember I will always be here for you. Something like that.

W - An idol.

I don’t really have an idol. I think all my idols would be all the women and men who don’t give up on trying to improve themselves for themselves. Day in and Day out, they are working hard to become better than they were yesterday, and that is what I strive to do.

X - If I’ve done something I regret very much.

I have, and I don’t want to tell. It’s painful for me to share. Maybe someday.

Y - If I like my town and why.

I do because I grew up here(a little bit, from age 9 to 18). I love my job here too. But I want to move to somewhere beautiful. Where I can run on trails and see the ocean through the woods or see the clearest lakes below the peaks on mountains. It’d be amazing. I want to move somewhere, where I have privacy and it’s all because of the trees around me. 

Z - Ask any question you want.

Why don’t you answer one of these and let me get to know you, or let your followers get to know you. Something, because I want to learn everything because it’s all interesting.

My Memorial Morning.

The first sight that I saw today: the grey light illuminating my bedroom.

The first sound that I heard today: the neighbor dog barking.

The first scent I smelled today: the faint scent of the incense that I burned last night.

The first sensation I felt today: the feeling of my muscles being stretched.

When I woke up, I saw the shadows all around my room, the light from my window was not a bright pinkish color, like you see in all the perfect films, it was a greyish color. The color was dull yet full of life, and a new day. At first, the color brought me down and led me to do nothing for most of the day, but as the day went on and I remembered that I woke up pretty great, I was able to accomplish things. This mornings light that shone through the cracks of my blinds brought light into my bedroom and told me that it was time to accomplish something today. I feel good about today, this memorial day. The sky may have been dreary as I woke up, but later on, it because beautiful. Everything must get worse before it gets better.

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When I wake up, I feel in a daze. I feel like I haven’t slept at all. I think about the day ahead of me. I think of the promises that won’t be kept and the lies that will be told. I think of my mothers illness and my fathers mistress. I think of happiness and then of sadness. I think of everything that’s wrong. I think of emptiness. Sometimes I feel happy, and then I’m not.

Before I sleep

Before I sleep, I think of what I am worth. I think of who I am. I think of my purpose on earth and I think of all my mistakes. I think of how I either love myself or hate myself.  think of the pain I caused and received. I think of the love I have and don’t have. I think of all that I lost and all that I believe I never will have. I think of my two friends who are seriously and, I believe, truley my friends. I think of my aquaitences and somewhat friends. I think of my past lovers and the lovers who I will never have. I think of time and what it exactly is. I think of people and who they really are. I think of my past. I think of my depression. I think of all my pain and my scars then I think of everyone elses. Then I think of nothing. I think of the emptiness and the sadness that appears out of nowhere. I think of how I believe that only I can handle me, and that I will be alone. I feel that I will be alone. And when I’m done thinking about how no one really cares, I think about puking my guts out. I think about crying, but it takes to much effort so I end up laying here wanting to puke and ball my eyes out at how fake some friends are and how much effort I put into fake friendships, and I  think about how much I want to puke and cry at all that I think about… I want to puke at how pathetic I am. I want to puke my guts out, and sometimes… I just think about fading to black and forgetting the world. That’s what I think about before going to bed. That’s what I’m thinking about now.

The Future

I wish I got my phone internet working earlier, because then I would have typed more, but I’m sorry. I will update more when I get home later, or try too. My internet went out last night due to the terrible storm we had. It interrupted my graduation ceremony as well. I am officially an adult and now I look forward to the future or becoming myself and finding people who I can trust with all my heart as well as finding my destinations that are soon to come. I will update later, like I said, when I get home from work. I have a lot to talk about and catch up on now that school is out! 

My day went like this….

Today I worked out quite a bit. I did a full body workout; arms, legs, back, and core. Then I went for a quick jog around the neighborhood. At first I didn’t want to work out at all, but Monday is my rest day for the week. I am going to be running a 5K soon.

I did some stretched before the work out, I can touch my toes without the strain of my muscles. (My muscles have a little stretch, but not to the point where it is painful). It felt nice, and it was worth is.

I guess I can record what I eat today too.

This morning, I had a school breakfast, consisted of pancakes, orange juice and chocolate milk. Then at lunch I had a chicken sandwich with ranch, applesauce and milk again. I ate a mint, and a tootsie roll. Then for my dinner I had a salad, small. And now I am going to eat my roll that I have. It’s wheat.

Salad: Romaine, Iceberg, Spinach

Peas, Red Pepper, Carrots, Mozzarella

Two eggs, turkey

Two scoops of home-made ranch, and Creamy Garlic. With croutons.

I drank mostly water, and milk today. I had one soda.  I also had a half of a cookie and a bite of Tuna salad sandwich.

I get paid next week Friday, and I am going to sign myself up for the Color run in July, and I might also do the H20 run as well.

Today was really fun. I didn’t end up doing homework, instead I played Minecraft with my friend. It was pretty cool. Now I have been messing around on my computer, and stuff. I’m going to head to bed pretty soon!