Monthly Archives: April 2013

Well, I think I am off today. I am going to lie here, get little to no sleep. Dream about days where there was fun and love in my life. Days where I didn’t feel completely empty and in need of some pain. I am going to lie here because I can’t do anything to hurt myself, but I can cry. I can cry and I can die a little inside, like I do everyday. 

I am going to go now, and dream of a happier place and hope to fall asleep and forget all my pain and troubles when I wake up. I want to forget it all. I don’t want to go to school. I don’t want to work. I want to forget and waste away my days. 

What a great week it’s been, not!

I’m talking with Nick again, and we have been talking about our relationship and it’s making me upset, and on top of that, I have been thinking about Bryce a lot more than I should. What do I do?

Randomness

I’m on my free period right now, on a Wednesday. It’s a late start day and I woke up just fine. Benny, my new cat, was the sweetest this morning. ImageI love him so much. He gets pretty annoying though.  He loves me. He has his front claws and I will not declaw him either. Too much money.

Uh, today is a bit depressing. I was looking though all my Facebook photos, and I saw some of Bryce and I. I got sad and happy, ugh. I miss the fun times with him. I remember before we broke up he said that we should do more dates and stuff… Well, I guess that will never happen. He wouldn’t want to date me now anyway. Too much stuff to deal with, and it’s mostly me. I’m not a fun person to handle. I depend on people way too much, not anymore though. I am kind of distancing myself from everyone, I don’t want to be a burden like always. I’m a needy person, a lonely person, and an emotional person. I am a hard partner to deal with so I have somewhat accepted that I will be alone for a long time. Half of my self is shouting to give up, but the other half just whispers words that keep me going, with some sort of weak hope that, sadly, will never go away.

This post is getting depressing. 

Schools out soon! I get out on the 14th of May. It’s gonna be boring!

Run-Down

I went to the ISU Campus in Ames today, we had a trip to the library for our papers. 

My paper is about the Health benefits of Yoga and why people should give it a good try. It’s a persuasive research paper. When I was looking at all the books I found, they were amazing and it made me love yoga even more. My practice tonight was peaceful and calm. I had the strength and I pushed my self a little. I felt amazing, and I felt like I was doing something worth while. 

Anyway, point one of the college library… Cute guys. Point two, peaceful and relaxing-I can get work done and stuff. Point three, I love to people watch, and that was quite entertaining. Going to that campus made me want to go to college there, but I won’t. By the way, the tiers were amazing. The tiers were part of the old building before they added on and when you walked in them, it felt like you were in some horror movie, claustrophobic and all. There were books all around, and the stairs were literally stacked on top of each other, so perfect that you wouldn’t be able to hit your head. I loved it. 

The bus ride home was alright, I slept a bit. Then I got to school, and all was fine until I passed him and got on the bus. I was sad again. When I transferred to the other bus, my thoughts were raging and I cried so hard, my friend Sam comforted me and it made me cry harder because at the time I thought no one would care and then right as that depressing thought came to mind I felt a hand rubbing my back, so I cried harder. I talked it out a bit, avoiding full detail. I got home, procrastinated, and then I did yoga, and more procrastinating. It was a non-productive, emotional day. I’m deleting my twitter. I might delete my Facebook. Get rid of extra distractions. 

Pain

I felt like I was over my ex, but it seems like I’m not. I haven’t made direct eye contact with him really, and today I unintentionally did. I lost my breath. A while back I cried a lot. I’ve been sad lately and I just feel like I will be alone for a while. Who wants to date me with all this shit going in my life. Almost every guy wants a happy independent woman. I’m not always that happy and I’m trying to be independent. It’s hard and I feel like its just myself in this situation. I feel like no one wants me.

Feelings

I am going to delete my Twitter account. I don’t really use it. It’s boring and useless.

On Tumblr, my friend was talking about herself in a bad light, and I know how that feels. Thanks to my passions, I have discovered myself and I am seriously… different. These are the words I told her,

“A*name shortened*, you are beautiful, just like everyone else. Don’t hurt yourself with words or actions. If that boy doesn’t like you, he isn’t worth your time. If that boy thinks every reason that you’re thinking, he isn’t a man, and he definitely isn’t your ‘boyfriend material.’ You are not meant to be alone, no one is meant to be alone, I know it’s hard, I’ve been there. If you need to rant or anything, I’ll listen. You will find someone someday, but remember. You don’t need anyone but yourself. Smile.”

I think those are the most accurate words I’ve ever told someone. I discovered it myself. I don’t need anyone but myself. I guess I take it to the point where everyone else will hurt me in the end, but I know that is not true. It’s not true because I have friends, and I like my friends and I don’t cut myself off from the world anymore. I want someone precious in my life, but I accept that I must control myself and my emotions before I can develop close and serious ties to people. I’ve learned that from my past serious relationships… They ended to my horrifying belief. I was drowned in sorrow after those break-ups, and I couldn’t get out. I found my way out from my first relationship due to falling in love with someone else, and when that one ended way to soon… I found myself through Yoga. I am still stuck and hurt, but I am getting better. I need to see a therapist, My heart was almost fully healed, then its back to where it was with my first ex. I should be over the second one by now, but I’m not… Honestly I am not. I am the type of lover that becomes attached and loves to my whole extent. Every time when I kept my love in check with someone I truly cared about, I couldn’t date them anymore, every time my love was released, the relationship ended up broken. It’s really sad. It is, and I’m hurt every time. I’m afraid. I am afraid to love for the fear of being broken. I am afraid to be loved for the fear of hurting others.

My words that I said to my friend A, I meant them. I meant them for her and myself. Sometimes, I want others to tell me what I tell them. I want to cry and be told things that I know, but I haven’t cried. I haven’t, and I won’t cry if I can help it. I will be happy. It takes time and perseverance, but I will do it.

 

 

Recent

Hey, everyone. If anyone still reads. I’ve been absent for a while now. I am sorry. I have been coming and going from places that I have been too a lot. By places, I mean websites. It’s 12:47 AM right now, I finished watching a Korean movie. It was pretty good. 

My 18th birthday is this Sunday. I am going to hang out with this guy, DJ. He asked me to prom. It’ll be fun, I’m pretty excited. I am going to be up at 7 in the morning on the 20th, I will go home and not sleep, then I will probably stay up until 5 or so in the morning. If I make an appointment for the tattoo place, then I will get one that day. I’ve really wanted a tattoo on my 18th birthday. I want it to be something really meaning full, I know some tattoo’s can be really general and widely spread, but it’s okay. The tattoo I want will have my own words and something else. I want it to be something like wings, I will draw them. I want the wings to represent myself learning to fly over the mountains I come across. I think some of the feathers my fall off too because of all the things that I have lost and all of the things that hurt me. I might add some other designs that could represent my life. The words must be something inspirational, so when I see them I get inspired, or when someone else see’s them, they leave with thoughts running through their mind.

I have a lot of homework that I need to do. I’m going to bed soon because I need to get up earlier and do what I have to do. However, I have horrible focusing skills, I’ll try harder. I’ve been working out a lot more lately, I have improved on my fitness testing! I injured my right shoulder somehow. I haven’t gotten it checked out, because it’s not a horrible pain. It’s really sore, and that’s about it. I really like yoga, I have been doing it a lot lately, not the same practice everyday, but close enough. It makes me feel amazing, and when I am breathing, I think of nothing else but the feel of my breath, my muscles working, and my focus.

I have been playing Bio-shock Infinite. It’s pretty amazing! I can’t beat it yet though, I suck at the game, I suck at all gaming, but I love it. I focus more as well. It’s like another life within my life. I found more YouTube accounts that I love. Gamer’s and stuff. I even sent my first letter to one of them! I was so excited! It was the happiest day of my life. 

I have so many things that make me happy. My workouts, my few good friends, the YouTube accounts, the shows. I am healing. I am healing, from all the thoughts of needing someone else. I am pleased with myself so far, who I am turning into. It’s nice, it’s refreshing. I’m trying, and I want to change. I’m done giving my all to everyone who obviously don’t do the same for me. I am going to find myself, and learn about myself and who I am, only then can I find someone who can love like I do. 

I feel like I didn’t catch up on anything at all. I do have to go to bed though, I need to wake up at a normal time so I can do somethings. 

Thank you, who ever read this much, for reading. It’s nice to know that someone will read this, even if they don’t care. Goodnight.

Hello

Hey, people who check my blog. My views probably went down a lot, but I don’t mind at all. 

I’ve been pretty negligent of my blog sadly. I have been gone from school a lot. I was gone for 4 days when I got a tooth pulled. And, I missed a week just this week due to a spontaneous allergic reaction to something. Hives were all over my body, and I guess my skin is very sensitive to my father’s laundry detergent that I’ve never used before, I think it’s All. I got over it, and I have been waiting at home, wasting away. I will be back at school on Monday. 

Mother and I have been getting into some fits, but it’s nothing horrible. I’m alright with it, I guess I am just taking my stress out on her. Since my tooth has been pulled, I have been unable to go hardcore into my yoga practice’s, but it’s been almost two weeks since then, or more… I lose track of time. So I am into yoga again, and I am drinking water with my water bottle again, thankfully. I don’t know why, but it is so much easier to drink water with my water bottle. 

That’s all for now. I’ll type more tomorrow!