Monthly Archives: February 2013

Doctors

I had a wave of depression slip over me yesterday. It started 7th period and ended this morning. I thought about my ex, my family, friends, future. It’s all blurry and I can’t focus on any part of it. I cried and had a mental breakdown.

My mother went to the doctors the other day and she had depression. Everyone but her could see it. I told my grandma it must run in the family and she agrees.

I know I have people who will support me, but I feel like its all on me and no one wants to help. It’s a scary feeling. Especially if you slip down deep. I want to go to counseling, I want anti depressants…

Wild and Free

TWT = The Writer’s Toolbox (a creative writing/inspiration spark for anyone.)

*This story is mostly unedited and I am typing straight from my notebook. It’s not the best.*

My grandfather lied to my grandmother. I guess it runs in the family. They were fighting again. It happens every night since their daughter, my mother, died. I don’t understand what the big deal is… My grandpa has been lying about his health, I know he is dying, but he doesn’t want grandma to know. They have been together for a long time. When my mother died, my grandpa was put in the hospital for a week. His heart is getting worse, it needs to work harder to pump his blood. It was by chance that I head that diagnosis. He told the doctor not to tell my grandmother. He doesn’t know that I heard everything. When I walked in to talk to him, he asked if I listened to the conversation. I lied and said I didn’t hear anything. I didn’t want him to worry about what I know or don’t know.

Grandma was yelling louder than normal. I could hear the words clearly.

“You are obviously not fine. You’re thinner and paler! How could you say that you are okay!?”

“Calm down, our granddaughter is downstairs… she can hear you..” His voice was quiet and  shaky. 

“She has a right to know! You and I are her guardians now. You should not lie to all of us that care about you!” A loud thud hit the ceiling of the basement, and I ran upstairs feeling worried. 

“Um..” They stared at me. 

“What?” I snapped the silence with a harsh tone then left the room.

On the following Friday, we packed our bags and planned our escape. My boyfriend and I are running away together. He knows my life story, and all of the troubles. I came up with the plan to leave one day and he snapped his fingers and helped make it happen. We headed South of Detroit. It was large and suffocating, and eventually we would hit something new and refreshing. A place where we could both start new. We didn’t know what was out there, but we did know that Detroit was getting to our heads. My boyfriend had a job, and he was older too. He worked in a corporate office with my mother. It was a ridiculous job and too much happened there. After I proposed my idea to leave my boyfriend started spitting out words. 

“I met this guy while on my way to work… He was crazy, so crazy… but what he said to me made so much sense. ‘If you don’t take chances,’ said the guy-he was wearing stripped pajamas by the way- ‘If you don’t take chances, you might as well not be alive.’ That’s what he said.” He breathed with excitement. “But, baby, when you came up to me with this run-away proposal, it was a chance that I… We, need to take.” 

Here we are, taking advice from a guy in stripped pajamas. We followed his words. This decision is chance at a new life for the both of us. I wasn’t the only one who wanted to leave the home. My boyfriend told me of his troubles, he said he wanted to leave as well and has been saving up for a while. He just has been waiting for a good time to leave and I guess when I suggested leaving, it was the perfect time for him. Men, they were all the same, I decided. They never really decide for themselves and I know I don’t love him anymore, not like I used to. He used to be amazing and sweet, but I never knew he was saving money. I never knew he was planning on leaving. It makes me think that one day I would wake up and he’d be gone. This feeling I have makes me lose faith in him and our relationship. It started out too weak anyway. He is using me to get out and not to be alone, and I am using him for a place to stay and I just don’t have a car. I could never leave by myself and that’s why I told him in the first place. I have no one else to talk too, I have no job, no reliable friends or money. I just have this backpack full of clothes and this man I call my boyfriend. I can’t do anything without him right now. I’d be nowhere if it weren’t for him. My love for him was pointless. I started to lose my faith in him when his friends were over. I started thinking about their actions, especially when I saw his best friend Herb defrost the refrigerator. His friends were strange and I never got what the deal was with Herb. I didn’t like them. That day, they were doing drugs. My boyfriend was excluded because of his work and their random drug testing. They were also gamblers and alcoholics. 

That night, they were drinking, everyone was apart from myself. I was underage and not looking for some fun. I spent most of my time at his apartment because my house was uncomfortable, it was one of the perks of dating an older man. These guys have been friends since high school, they’ve never grown apart. He acts different around his friends and I don’t understand why he purposely avoids me when they are around. He is no longer the guy I know. Every time I get to know him more, he becomes someone different. This night was different than every other night they were over. They seemed a little more rowdy and a little more clingy. His friends clung to me while my boyfriends eyes clung to the video game. 

“Babe, could you come here.” I would ask a lot. He wouldn’t really listen.

“I’m busy hun, hang out with the guys. They are fun, I’m sure you’ll like to play some games with them.” He jerked his hands up with the controller. “They are my friends.” He put emphasis on ‘my’ which means I have no choice. 

His friends crowded around me and started to touch my and cling to me. It was uncomfortable and my boyfriend wouldn’t even notice.

“Hey…” Herb slurred his words in my face. “You are too pretty to date him, date me instead.” 

I shook my head and pulled away from him but he grabbed my arm and snaked his hand around my waist. 

“Hey!” He wobbled. “Don’ walk away from me when I am talking to you.” He brought his face to my cheek and sniffed. He hummed and then walked towards the couch. 

His friends held me down as he grabbed a wireless headset and handed it to my boyfriend. “These make you feel like you are in the game, wear them!” He yelled.

“Dude, thanks.” He put them on. “They are awesome. See babe, they are great people. Thinking of others.” He turned back to the game without even looking in this direction. He’s an admirable boyfriend, not. 

Herb comes back and starts ripping at my clothes. His eyes were hungry and his friends help to keep me quiet. They all touched and kissed my body. I cried and held back my screams. That night, I remember watching the rusty weather-vane outside the window spinning rapidly. The storm outside rumbled and pieces of it flew off to hit the window. The thing slammed against the window every so often and I hoped it would break the glass so my boyfriend could look back here and see what was happening before his eyes. It never happened, instead the thing broke and fell off. Leaving the music and my whimpering. What was worse, they guys that were raping me took turns. They didn’t have anything but their hands to use as a gag so they for a pencil and tied it to my face and I was forced to bite down on the stick. The chewed-on pencil was weak already. I tried not to bite down on it, for fear of jabbing the broken wood into my mouth. I had to stifle my screams and cries so I could slowly go along with this torture. Each guys thrust made me want to bite harder, but reluctantly I resisted and tried to scream. Neither worked. It was like, this chewed pencil was like my body and if I bite down, I break my own body. My body must remain unbreakable. My mind must remain stable and firm. This will just be nothing. The thing that got to me most at that time was the smell of this guys T-shirt. It was the smell of the T-shirt from the time he went to the B-52’s concert with my boyfriend. They had the strange taste in music, and they didn’t understand anything. The smell was grotesque and it filled my nostrils as they slammed into me. It made me want to puke but, I was unable to. The smell was mixed with sweat and sex, which made it intolerable. Of course my boyfriend didn’t notice. He can’t smell anything. He can’t even notice anything. 

The memory faded and another one came to mind as we set foot into a hotel. It was the day when my mother took me to her work. She was talking with him, the idiot who works at corporate is what I always thought. That guy would always hit on my mother, every time I came in with her, he’d be hitting on her straight away. Until one day, my mother was in a meeting and I was wandering around. He took me somewhere and fed me a bunch of bullshit lines that made my heart melt. Every time, he’d feed me these sweet words, then he would fuck me and take out his sexual frustration out on me. I didn’t know what it meant at the time. It was messed up. 

“Amanda,” He would grunt and tell me how amazing my legs were. I know he was thinking of my mother. I was her daughter and I guess fucking this guy was one way to be wild and free. I just wanted to be free from everything, including myself. I think it’s really funny that he knew my name from my mother. I never once told him my name, he never told me his, I learned from his name tag. 

The memories faded and I stared into his face. He doesn’t know me at all, and I don’t know him. We are just two people who fucked. I was raped by his friends, and he doesn’t know or probably care. He’d say it was in the past. What an idiot. I left the room and entered this bar down the street. I saw a bunch of women enter earlier and I followed later on. It was a strip club and it was step two to becoming a wild and free woman. I got the application and left to head home. 

“Where were you?” He asked.

I shrugged. “You know what’s funny, you never told me your name.” He stared at me and the application from the bar that was in my bag of clothes. He stared at me walking out of the room and leaving his side. He never ran after. 

Goodbye Drake.

Sickness

I have been sick since Monday, the 11th. I don’t know what I have, I just know it sucks. 

At some point last week, I decided to try to get my ex back. It didn’t work at all. I tried, I could of probably tried harder, but I didn’t want to be a pain or a nuisance. I probably already was. People asked me why I wanted him back. I replied with “out of all of the people I dated, he made me feel secure and I was just happy being with him.” That’s over now. He told me were done, and I am pretty sure he is not the type to hang out with me either… Oh well. 

When I worked on Tuesday and Wednesday, I was let off earlier than normal because I was sick. I was feeling better later in the week anyway and I stayed till close on Friday and Saturday. On Saturday, I worked 7am to 4pm. It was pretty easy going. My mind has been wandering around, and I realized I no longer think of my first love. He comes to mind rarely, and now my second love as I like to put it, comes to mind a bit more. I see things that remind me of him or I hear people talking about things that remind me of him. I’m getting used to it. I stopped crying. 

Yesterday I was hanging out with Layne. We went to Urbandale and checked out half-price book store. It was my first time going there and I bought three things: two books and some sticky notes. After that we left to go to Ci Ci’s pizza and we laughed at some of the people in there. It was really funny. That’s what happens when you have fun. After Ci Ci’s we left and we were heading home, and I said “Lets go to council bluffs” he said no, even though he offered in the first place. He said he was kidding. So then I suggested Ames to go shopping.  He filled up his tank, I braided my hair and we headed towards Ames. While we were driving I was jamming to some techno music and he was doing it as well. It was hilarious because the car next to us started staring and laughing at us! It was really fun. We got lost, because we passed Ames. We headed back and finally made it, and then we found this book store that I don’t remember the name of. It was really cool. There was a lot of Manga and it was heaven for me. I looked at the writing section references and bought some more things. I also bought a fountain pen and two normal ones that say ‘Le pen’ on the side. Layne and I were at the front of the store looking at stuff and he saw this spray bottle and he didn’t pay attention to what it read. He sprayed it on his hand and automatically loved it. He said it smelled amazing and I told him that it was for the toilet bowl before you poop. The bottle said Poo on it. I laughed so hard. He thought it was French for perfume. That was hilarious. We talked to the cashier and he seemed really familiar. He said he was from our town and for some reason we got him name so we could find him on Facebook. I talk to him from time to time. After that we went to a McDonalds because I saw this cute guy in the window. We went in and ordered. They messed up my order and I got a new one and another free Oreo Mcflurry. It was awesome. But what was really funny, was the cashier there. We talked to her and I told her about the two cute boys in the back and she talked to them. They called over to me and smiled and just nodded their head at me. It was awesome. I ended up getting one of their numbers because the other guy had a girlfriend who likes to attack him. That’s… Awkward. I text the other, his name is Brian. He actually texts me. It’s nice. He has school today, so he doesn’t text much, but it is fun. I have small interest in him, but we have a common interest over drawing. I don’t think anything will happen with him. 

After Ames, I got home and I skyped with my best friend Holiday. It was awesome. So much fun. I love her. Yesterday was the best day ever. I’ve never had that much fun before.

Normal

I thought I was done with the crying. 

I was at work, it was all good and happy, then I suddenly felt a little sick, and I started getting emotional. I went to the bathroom, and I started crying… I just wanted to keep crying, but I somehow stopped and finished closing salads. I got invited to work out with Devon and Sydney. He yelled to everyone if they wanted to join, but no one other than me took up the offer. I worked out, and I felt better. To be honest, I want to cry right now, I will try to hold back.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I am such a cry baby. When my ex boyfriend(of a year ago) and I broke up, I went to counselling. It didn’t really help. This time, I think… I am just going to cry when it is appropriate. 

What really makes me sad… a lot of people are saying that my ex(current) doesn’t seem to messed up about it. It makes me sad and doubtful, but he is busy. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I am cleaning my room right now, but actually… I am going to sleep soon. I got distracted. 

I hope things can look up for me soon. I am trying hard to show a normal face. 

Reasons

Many people are telling me things like, “That’s dumb,” “What a stupid reason.” Stuff like that. Those are the reply’s I get when I explain why my ex-boyfriend and I are no longer together. 

My mother, and my managers and some elders tell me that I am being mature about it. 

I don’t really know. I know that I want to cry, but I don’t want to. I feel drained and exhausted, but I made it through the day. Everyone was acting caring to me, and it was a bit new and I was confused. Work helped me a lot, though I felt really exhausted, I was able to get the job done and work hard. 

I don’t know if I am okay or not. I am kind of blocking it right now. I don’t want to think about it, so I won’t. I screamed and cried last night and I cried this morning, but I am done now. I feel like, I blocked my heart from too much pain when my first love ended. I feel like, relationships in high school won’t last. Too many things are going on, so why fret over it. Sure, I will let my mind slip to those days, but I don’t want to be like I was. 

Life goes on. Just gotta sink or swim I guess.

Oh, Life

It’s been a while since I uploaded a decent post. Not a lot has been going on, apart from being single now.

I decided it, really. I told my boyfriend if he can’t deal with a relationship with all the other stuff going on, then let’s break up. Those are words that vary from my actual speech. I cried for sometime-yesterday and this morning. It’s hard. He is my second love, but I should have known. This would be the outcome anyway, high school relationships hardly last. I believe this is for the better.

However, it is ironic that this is Feb. 4th when he broke up with me and on the 6th in 2012 was when Nick broke it off with me. That made me cry a little more, but nothing to bad.

I just need to listen to sad songs and I will end up okay, eventually.

I have to work tonight. My friend jake said he is going to stop by and bring me a chocolate milk to make me feel better. He can’t help it, I guess. I also have to rewrite a paper tonight. Yippie!

Oh, life. Thank you for having so many wonderful distractions.