After a while of pacing around my room, I finally opened it up again and traced my fingers over the printed words of my name. I slowly shaped the word in my mouth and whispered it. “I feel uneasy here and unsafe.” I closed the journal and put it underneath the mattress. “December!” May called from upstairs. “Dinner’s ready!” I ran up the stairs and placed my self at the end of the table, across from May and Nick. “So, December,” May cleared her throat. “How do you like your mother’s bed?” “Oh, uh… It’s big and beautiful.” I smiled and nodded my head. My head was in other places, pondering the thoughts of her journal and why she started it with an introduction for me. “That’s wonderful, your mother picked it out at a very elegant store, in fact…” Her voice faded with the rise of my thoughts. I chewed on my food and pretended to listen. “Uh..” I cleared my throat. “Call me May.” She said, “I don’t like the sound of ‘grandmother’ or ‘grandma’ or any other nickname that refers to how old I am…” She trailed off. Continue reading
So, I realize that I haven’t been posting much, and I am disappointed in myself. However, I am working on typing up more of December Never Ends. I am almost done with Chapter seven and it should be up later today. The reason why I haven’t been typing is because I am lazy. It sucks, and I don’t like being lazy. Continue reading
It’s my first time holding a spider.
I’m actually wide awake this Monday morning. I felt like I didn’t sleep last night though. I kept waking up ever couple of hours, it made me really mad because I slept amazing one time, and I felt great. I took a shower today, it was short(for me) and somewhat sweet. Continue reading
The navy night sky, and the silent grey clouds seemed endless. The clouds floated just as smoke dances in slow motion. The full moon, which was bright as snow, was shrouded in a tinted sea of grey.
Against the sky, the clouds looked solid and thick, but once they float across the moon they are clearly transparent. When the clouds are rested on the moonlight, one can clearly see the tiny ripples that fill the air.
The autumn night isn’t as chilly as winter nights, but the breeze still strikes me off guard in a calm, and refreshing way.
This Sunday is such a lazy day. Most of the day, all I did, was lay on my bed and read a bunch of manga. It is giving me a headache. On the upside, I hung out with my friend Layne and we went to Aqualand. I held my first spider, a rose haired tarantula. It was nerve wracking for a little bit, but I got used to it in the end. After that, I bought a rat for Emlen, but he wouldn’t eat it. Every time he doesn’t eat it makes me sad. For one thing, I am wasting money, and another thing, Emlen just won’t eat. It’s confusing.
Lately, my boyfriend and I have been hanging out quite a bit. I really like him. I do.Furthermore, I have noticed my thoughts of my ex-boyfriend has decreased a lot. It feels nice. I’ll just be a little sad when he has swim season, but maybe then I will be able actually do my homework? I do it to a point, but eh. I probably won’t change. I’m too into reading mangas than doing homework.
I’m just weird like that.
If you could see yourself a year ago, what would you do?
I would look at myself, then look at her and hug her. I would tell her that she will experience a great love, and a great heart break. Then I would tell her, “don’t worry, it’ll get better. Don’t beat yourself up over the past and look to the future.”
Now, look where I am now?
I believe I am pretty happy right now. It’s a good thing too.
I know what I have done in my past relationships, and I have decided to do something different, or at least try. I try to do things that I am nervous about, but I need to do it slowly.
I am not used to all these compliments, I don’t know how to reply. It seems like this relationship makes me feel… new and awkward-like? I don’t know how to explain it. It’s kind of new, but not that new. It’s a new person, who is completely amazing and different compared to other. It’s a good thing, that’s what I know.
I want to open up, and not be so selfish and anti-social. It’s hard to jump out of my comfort zone, but I guess, if I want to do it. I will. I will try my hardest to not be a hermit.
With my ex, I would openly refuse to listen to some music or watch music, I guess because I was afraid of him being right-that I would like it-and then rubbing it in my face. He never did, and I never let him. However, that relationship failed because of other things.
With this relationship, I am slowly trying to open up and not be so nervous about somethings. I just need some time and pressure. Hehe.
I can be easily persuaded, depending on the persuader. I want to change, but I guess I need a bigger reason than just ‘for myself.’
*Change of topic*
This month is October! It’s almost over. I wrote in my agenwal, under the page that read ‘year planned out in months,’ under October, I wrote finish December Never Ends. I will try to succeed in typing it up. I do not work tomorrow and I won’t be with the man for that long because he works, so I will type that night. As well as do some homework-if i have any. I am very bad at keeping a schedule, so if I can succeed in this, then that would be another amazing accomplishment for me!
I also have to reread and type more to my other story. I think I make buy a notebook and copy down everything from Free Falling and write my book during classes like I did with December Never Ends.
Either way, thanks for reading. Sorry for not posting as much as I have. I’ll catch you later!
Over the past year, a lot has happened. Family things and friendship issues, even relationships were dragged into the picture. As I have said in other posts, some situations occurred in my family that I was unable to talk about, but now I am able too. My mother and father are trying to divorce, and in the midst of the situation my mother feared that my father might use some knowledge against her. My father living with me right now is not my biological father and although it has been a couple months since knowing this I still feel hurt and lied to by my father. That was the secret that was kept from me for 17 years of my life. The reason why my mother was married to my birth father was because of me, and then in court for deciding who the father is, it was decided that my birth father was not Todd, but in fact Jean, my father living with me right now. It hurts me to know that my father was a crackhead who doesn’t care about me at all and that he doesn’t want to know me. It sucks, it really does and when my father found out that I knew that he was upset and I was also upset. His mistress is living with us and it’s painful. I want my mother and father to be together but that won’t happen. And now my father is being a prick by being kind to my mother, it makes me feel torn and I don’t like it. I don’t like this house or this room. There is an overwhelming sadness hanging from the ceiling. Things happened in this room that I’d like to change and I can’t but they are good memories. The biggest thing that I do not like is the fighting that I hear in the other rooms since my walls are paper thin. It’s a pain.
Friend issues are another problem, Some people can’t really do things right and they stay in the past. My friend stays with the past and doesn’t like the accept the possibilities that she may actually be wrong on some things. I don’t need to be by depressing people who flirt around with everyone, it’s very misleading for everyone and sometimes annoying. I don’t have very many friends and most of the friends I do have are guys because they don’t carry drama with them. It’s a little annoying with girls, all I can really talk about with some girls are things that are filled with drama and it gets annoying. Only one girl I talk too doesn’t carry drama and she is my best friend.
Another big thing that has happened was I have worked at Palmers for almost a year, in November it will be a year. It is pretty exciting and then in December it will be a depressing day due to some past events that sometimes haunt me. On another up note, I got a new boyfriend and he has basically changed my ideas all around, it’s nice. It’s a change in pace and it makes me happy. A lot of things make me happy lately and it’s nice. A lot of things are changing and some are good and some are bad. I still don’t know what to do for the future though.