Monthly Archives: May 2012

Paige

May 31, 2012

Crying child

Crying child (Photo credit: Creative Donkey)

“Goodbye”

I spoke the shortened version: “bye,” because I hope that one day I will see him again.

I don’t know what will happen then, I am scared. I know last night I cried like a baby, because I was thinking about him, and then I wrote that poem, http://writingapaige.wordpress.com/2012/05/31/lie-here-in-my/ ,I cried like a baby when I wrote that. I screamed into my pillow thinking “What am I doing?” I cried and wanted to run to my mom and tell her, “He’s leaving again! Mommy!” I am a baby.

Oh well, this has to be done for me to move, at least that is how I am thinking.

Part of me wishes the worst, part of me wishes the best, but I guess that comes with loving your first.

Even though I told those fearful words, I went to work and I worked. I worked hard, and my mind left that broken place and I thought to myself “I feel a little bit better with all these people around me who don’t give two shits about what I am going through!” It makes me feel the same way. I realize, if I didn’t work, I would have been at home crying… I bet. I really want to cry right now, but I am not going to. I will not cry. I will not cry.

I want to be done with crying. I want to remember the times him and I have shared, I don’t want to forget. However, I don’t want to think of them. I don’t want to think of how we could have been, or how is he leaving. I want to think about things now: Feeding my snake, trying to read my book, laughing at more youtube videos. I feel like I want to live in the moment and I am slowly being able to do that. I’m honestly glad that I have people who don’t care about what I am going through, that just means they won’t feed my attention and eventually I will grow out of it. I know sometimes I will cry though, and I guess that is alright. When the time comes and I need to cry, I will cry and cry, release all my painful emotions and soon, I might not cry anymore. I can already feel myself thinking about him less and less. And it is still hard for me to believe that I will find someone just for me in the future, but I guess it’s true. I guess that I will find another love; someone who I will cry over, someone who makes me feel amazing. I just can’t wait till that time comes.

So for now, the words that I spoke tonight, “bye,” that was just for now. At the end of this month, I will say Goodbye. To my emotions and to my love, but I will accept them and not try and get rid of them. I know it is going to be hard, but I know that all my friends that do care and don’t care are going to be around, so I guess I can move on. Wish me luck!

Today, I’ll say Goodbye. Even though my breaking heart tells me not to… I can not live with this pain anymore, so I will ignore it today and tell you the words I hate most. Goodbye.

I have decided today, I will make myself look good, boost my esteem and then break it down. Today is the day that we must end. My heart already has enough pain, I don’t want to meet again, I doubt we will meet again. So, today, I am going to be selfish and make it easier on my heart (I hope). I’ll tell you goodbye, with one last hug and one last kiss. I can’t take it anymore.

Lie here in my …

Lie here in my arms,
hold me tighter just til morn’. 
As soft sighs whisper between us, 
I know my heart will still be torn.

But hold me tighter just once more,
embrace me, kiss me… 
I knew you loved me once before.

So stay by my side! 
Please baby, don’t leave me here. 
I love you, I need you. 
So please, I beg, stay near.

Whisper those words that you don’t dare tell! 
I need to hear them, you see,
if I don’t… I won’t be able to find my heart
that has fell.

You are my first love, 
the way you touched me. 
How sweet it felt. 
What did you see when you looked at me?

Every one is different.
I know I won’t find someone like you.
My first love, my first heartbreak… 
With everything I shared, I just want you.

You made me feel whole, 
with how my entire body felt 
when your hand fit mine, or when your lips met mine. 
My body would just melt.

I cry still, every now and then. 
When I think of how we used to have been, 
how we could have been…

I have this bad feeling, 
that if like this we do end, 
and you leave, I feel in the future… 
We’ll never meet again…

Two Days So Far, I’m Doing Great

Yesterday was awesome, today was all good. 

Yesterday: At first I was doing nothing but reading some manga’s from kissmanga.com and watching some Asian dramas from dramacrazy.net, but then my friend texted me… He, Mason, said that he didn’t want to sit around all summer and get fat, so we decided to hang out! It was really fun. We basically played extreme ping pong and let the balls fly every where. It was really fun, until my sugar high decreased!!! Then we drove to Dahls, because he had an interview and got the job! Woo Hoo! Then on the way back, I say a tennis court. 
“I wanna play tennis now…”
“I have some rackets, lets do that!”
So we played tennis for a bit and I got tanned and my arm is killing me! I love sports, haha! So much fun! However, I haven’t played tennis since middle school so I sucked. And I find it a little embarrassing to be taught so I said, “If I let you teach me, then you have to take me out to ice cream!” He agreed, so I was happy. I felt awkward though… I don’t like being taught, it’s weird!!! I don’t know why! Anyway, after that I got home and basically did nothing, but then I went outside and rode my bike and hung out at the park.

Today: I woke up a little late, maybe around 10 AM and I was still really tired because I basically went to sleep between 3 AM and 6 AM. Anyway, I let out my next door neighbors dog, cleaned my room! Then I went to work. Tonight was a really slow night, yet it went by pretty fast for me. I was pretty somber the whole time, but it wasn’t bad. I was just thinking about nothing, and just focusing on my work. It wasn’t that I was gloomy or anything, I just felt heavy and tired and I gave of a somber expression and I worked through the night with an arm that is sore, and a back that is sore too (from sweeping under tables and crap) and my knee started to hurt halfway through the evening. Even though I say somber, I wasn’t gloomy. I just need a better word… Apathetic? Yeah, that’s a good word. I worked apathetically this evening. Lost is my mind with no thought whatsoever. Strange. Even though I was like that, I had fun! It was great tonight.

Why Did I Do That

This might be a little depressing… Ugh, I don’t know anymore… 

Why did I have to tell my ex all of my feelings? It sucks, it really does. I didn’t cry when I told him all of that stuff, I only cried when he basically said he won’t tell me the three words. I cried a lot to that. 

First of all, I only want him to say them, but he won’t. And to make that worse, this younger guy who used to be my friend, kept saying that ‘I wanna kiss you’ and ‘I love you’ and to be honest, I don’t want to here that from him! C’mon. I told him to stop telling me this and he insisted to keep telling me this when it was only hurting me. So I told him. “You say you want to kiss me one more time then you can kiss our friendship goodbye.” That shut him up, but he didn’t stop telling me to get over my ex, he didn’t stop telling me how amazing I am, he didn’t stop telling me that he was always here for me and he didn’t stop telling me that he loved me. It made me so mad! The one person who I wanted to say those things to me wasn’t saying them, and this boy who isn’t my type or any where close to it… does say it. I don’t think so. I may sound bitchy and all, but I am not over my ex. At. All. So then, I told him if he says I love you one more time that our friendship is gone. So it is. And he tried talking to me again, and not gonna happen!

Some other things to make it worse, are all these guys (only two) wanting to hang out with me, or want my attention, or do things to irritate me! One of them pry’s into my thoughts, and I DON’T WANT TO TELL HIM. But he doesn’t get the hint, so I end up shutting him out for a couple of days, and that’s mean of me, but oh well. The other guy keeps his pervy mouth open everytime we hang out and he makes useless comments on Facebook that don’t make sense, and sometimes are a bit insensitive. He annoys me too. It really sucks. AHHH! I want to scream, and I want to cry. 

Sometimes I feel like… “Am I ever going to fall in love with someone else? Will this really painful ending of my first love ever leave me?” It really hurts when I think about that stuff, so I do nothing. I feel numb most of the time. Ugh, this is depressing right? If you are still reading, which I doubt, any tips??? Meh.

There are too many memories.

Too many beloved memories that I will never share with someone else…

Why is it so hard?

I kind of feel like this is a punishment for all the things that I did wrong. My heart breaking every time I remember something, every time I think of him, and every time I see other people in love… Why do I do this.. It is so hard to stop thinking about these things. I really want him in my life. I really do… I want him to stay by my side and not leave. I don’t want him to go… I love him. I love him. Too much. 

Sometimes I wish I never fell in love. But then I think, then I would never know when I am in love…

What Is In My Purse

Well, if I had one…. It wouldn’t even be a purse. It’d be more like a backpack! I like carrying a lot of things. 

I would have my laptop, my webcam, medication(advil), a drink of some sort, some makeup, notebooks, pens, pencils, wallet, flash drive, phone, sandisk, hair ties, bobby pins, tape, a book, camera, deodorant, a brush, sketchbook, headphones, ipod, chargers for my phone, ipod, computer, camera, I’d bring mail keys too. 

(This headache isn’t going away!!!) I like bringing things I would probably never need, but it’s fun. I did say before that I like the idea of sophistication… too much…

Since I have said that, I have to make my room look perfect. Are any of you like that? 

1,000 Views

“Dad!”

“What?”

“Looky!!!” She says as she points at the screen and giggles.

“What is it?”

“My blog! Finally, 1,000 views!! Ahahaha!” She smiles and he walks away.

Okay, that was random, but finally! I got 1,000 views. I know that is a small number, but I am so so happy! It’s pretty awesome to me. I love it! Gosh. :) Thanks for viewing my blog everyone! It means a lot to me!

Hey, Guess What!?

I jumped on the bandwagon! Follow me on twitter @writingapaige, yippie!
Yesterday, I got out of my house at 7pm and roger my bike tothe library, only to find out that they were closed. *sadface* So then I decided to ride around and find something to do… I wanted to hand out with my friend Holiday, but she was working, so I messaged my friend Carles and we hung out with some people. Some chinese people: that gave me a chance to speak chinese with them, they said I was really good. *extremehappyface* We went to Carles house and played Deal or No Deal, then Apples to Apples. O
It was really fun, I had a lot of fun. When we had to take Aly and Pat home (the chinese) I ended up sleeping over at Carles house. This was the first sleep over of the summer!!