Monthly Archives: February 2012

Exposed

She was exposed, bare and naked straight to the core of her inner self. Everything was in plain sight; her brown wavy hair, the shape of her face, the arc of her lips the curve of her breasts, and the contours of the rest of her body. Her face was red from emotions that surged in the emptiness of her heart, dry from tears that pored endlessly from her tired eyes. Sickened quivers animated her hands as she tried to conceal fresh and faint scars that lied on her arms… Troubling thoughts pressured her mind and made her head ache with confusion. Experiences combined with self disgust leave her plastered with resented pain and unnecessary struggle. She replays the memories of when her heart stopped, throat closed, and excruciating pain flowed throughout her body…
She was back at school, Monday, so far it was wonderful and she was chipper and not afraid. She saw him and hurried with him to his locker. They exchanged very small, uneventful, talk as they walked side by side with little to no contact. They both had places to be. Before they say their goodbyes though, something unusual happens; he picks her up kisses her forehead. The memories paused and her thoughts tumbled in. Was that a goodbye kiss? An I’m sorry kiss? She doesn’t understand why. But the memories kept going. During the free period of her day, she was giddy with that tiny romantic stunt he pulled. She hummed along to her music and wrote her thoughts down, but then he came and tapped on her shoulder andshe felt anxious by the look on his face. She fiddled around in her pockets and followed him to a slightly private area. Her heart sank to the pit of her stomach as he told her that crushing phrase.
I’m breaking up with you.
What…
I don’t love you like I used to.
She falls to the floor shaking hysterically and crying. Her ha.d was over her mouth trying not to scream. He tries to wrap his arm around her shoulder but she is too shocked and she pushed him back.
The memories stop again as she questioned her actions.
She wished she could have let him hold her, but she also wished she didn’t show any reaction to his words. Tears fell to the floor as she hugged her exposed self, and as she relived the heartbreaking moment, it tore her up. She tried to remember his warmth, gentle kisses, the weight of his body against hers. His smile and his many faces, but they are faded and they slowly disappeared. She can’t even remember the words I love you coming from his lips. How could she have been so stupid to have thought that things could have been different if she changed, he was right… it was too late.
As the movie of memories continued she cursed at him and ran off. Her voice was louder than it should have been but she wasn’t thinking. When she left she hoped he would follow but that wasn’t the case, he never would have done that. She couldn’t focus and she meandered around the school looking for someone, when she found her friend she cried long and hard.
Scars draped her arm like a scarf. A very disgusting, mutilated scarf that shows her temporary way out. Physical pain covers her emotional pain.

Smother

I want to be touched with passionate hands, with a sentimental kiss, with a sensual warmth. It’s unbearable, this yearning. I want to be loved by someone who will love me for me. I want to love someone as much as I loved him. I am afraid to love physically, for my tears will spill because of who I have loved physically and emotionally. When i love someone, I am afraid my love will not be there emotionally.

Lately I have been shrouded in my own thoughts. I may have worked all of last week, except Monday, but I want to forget about these thoughts… I won’t revert to how I used to be, before him. That’s not an option… I like a couple of people, but I can’t do anything and I won’t. I found out some people like me and I feel horrible that they do… I’m not a good person to like… I hurt everyone easily, I don’t take people’s feelings into consideration… I’m horrible.

I want my thoughts to disappear but they won’t, and I won’t do anything to make them vanish. I remember when he said that “we both went into this relationship knowing it wouldn’t last forever.” That was at the beginning of it. In the middle, we did want it to last forever, but honestly, it never was going to last forever, and I never knew that I would have shared everything with him. I sincerely wish it could have been forever. I really wish it could have been longer, at least make happier memories. It’s really sad. I’m not ready to give back these things. I feel so, so light yet heavy. The necklace is off, and has been off and I miss it… I want it back on, but I won’t put it on.

I need myself. If I have any relationship, physically, with another guy I will regret it… I will cry, I will be upset and down. Even more lonelier… Maybe I can do what others have told me… Be a whore and become empty inside…  I don’t know anymore…

I wrote an undelivered letter… I’m not going to send it not matter how much I want to. I want to have contact but I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. My head hurts. I’ve cried on and off today.

What should I do? Have you felt like this? Do you understand? Do you have advice? I know I should stay away from guys, but what other friends do I have?

Pain

You know what’s hard? Trying to find someone to fill that hole in your heart. But what’s even harder, to be with someone when your heart is filled with someone else, eventually your mind will follow. It’s hard to control that yearn for your true loves touch, and kiss. It’s hard to watch all these romantic movies and listen to all these songs… My mind is just on one. This is really hard. It’s hard to be alone, it’s hard to accept that you aren’t with the one who has made who you are today. It’s very painful to see your future plans crash around you when that person says those horrid words… It’s hard to say goodbye. Will I ever say Goodbye?

It’s dreadfully painful. I don’t even know if you read this anymore.

There is a lot of stress going on now. My family is getting worse… I wish I could tell him this, tell me that things will work out in the end. I guess not… Anyway, My mother came into work crying and I was scared. My father lied to us, again. He said he was gambling to be able to pay our house bills, but he is probably cheating. I had a connection with my mom the other day; I came to her for help. Today, she came to me. She is in pain, and I don’t want her to be, I realize my father is not the man for her… I had a idea, but I can’t do it. I’m thinking about it though, moving out, saving money, buying our apartment and working, quitting school… I could. I really could, it wouldn’t be that hard, seeing as I don’t really have many attachments anymore…

Okay, on an up note, this week was pretty ridiculous. On Monday, I got dumped, then I got popcorn spilled all over me. On Thursday I got bad memories and some small regrets and a coke poured on me, then yesterday I got perfume sprayed in my mouth and nose. It was funny…

These songs are painful. I’m trying really hard to get over you, but why is it that all I want is you… Any hug and smile and laugh from anyone else just reminds me of you. When I see you at school, I want to look away, I have to, I force myself too. If I look at you, I will want you even more. I try to stay busy but my mind always returns to me. I’m going to hurt someone soon, I can feel it… I can’t last any longer… God. I’m tired of this, I can’t find anyone yet, It’s taking to long. I don’t want another failed relationship in this small town. I don’t want to think of all the other ones or compare the new ones. I have changed for you, but have you ever tried for me? What do I do? What do I do?

Market

Well, I’m now single. The person I loved most broke up with me, because he didn’t love me like he did. I saw this coming, just not this soon… Not this soon. I’m okay, for now, I let a lot of tears fall during school, was able to focus a bit. After school I went to a movie, and then Palmers to eat, that got my mind off of it all. I need friends more than ever right now… I need them.

At the movie, Chronicle, my friend Brent spilled popcorn on me. Haha, it was because he got spooked.

I’m planning to write more now, I need to get my mind off of everything, my dad might take me shopping some time this week. I need people… This is really hard.

Well, I’ve got to go. Bye.

Books

So, I think I am starting to love reading. I’m and so engrossed in my books. I’m finishing my Blue Blood’s series. I can’t stop reading it! I almost finished The Van Alen Legacy but my boyfriend and my ex showed up. We are driving around and watching retarded videos. Now were in McDonald’s. I don’t know what to eat… I don’t want to waste Pat’s money. I didn’t want to be kind of an irritant. I should of got something off the dollar menu, damn. I want to finish reading my book… well I’m going to eat.

Drown yourself in music

Do you ever have those times when you just want to escape from everything?

When that happens to me, I want to blare music, throw my phone out the window, scream, cry, sing as loud as I can… Even though I suck. Today is a day like that. I’m wanting to blare my music and all. Sadly I can’t, my parents are home.

Instead I have Pandora radio on and I am finding and getting songs that I like. Yeah. Is it weird that I feel like I am not in my own body?

I don’t really know what to post…

It’s finally going to snow here, tremendously, so the news says. Haha. Were supposed to have a blizzard and at work today, it was so pretty. :)

Well, that’s all….