Monthly Archives: January 2012

Right now.

Right now, 
a moment in time
speaking now, or listening.
Thinking or random
indifferent thoughts.
Reading reasonable things;
texts, posts, pages, sites.
All part of my master plan
named Procrastination. 
Yes, procrastination is always my
“right now”
it’s pretty nice. Like now,
I am trying not to stop.
Stop the typing,
thinking.
Just keep writing.
Beat the live preview.
I want to feel awesome.
Is something
wrong with me?
No, I am just initiating my
Master plan.
PROCRASTINATION.
Well don’t we all have that plan.
it’s fun.
But now it’s time for it to end.
that is my random poem.
Now I shall laugh at the
stupidity
pointless
feeling of it.

~

What do you think? I just came up with that, and it is completely random. I am listening to FFDP Pandora radio and typing, again procrastination. I don’t want to do anything really. Aha. Well I have to go I guess. >.< 

Apologies with curse words.

My apologies for not keeping up with my blog. I have been busy with school, work, and myself. I’m not going to cry anymore, fuck that. What is crying going to do anyway; eyes become pussy, face and chest red, nothing else. 

I don’t want to be how I am anymore, I am going to fucking change, I’m getting pissed off at myself, I am ruining everything around me, for what fucking reason? Nothing, that’s what. I don’t want to destroy what I have and reading my boyfriends letters now, just made me realize what I have done. It’s fucked up. 

I’m sorry for all of the curse words too.

I realize that my boyfriend is busy with things besides me, it’s not all about me. He is dating me so I know that I will be able to see him again, even if it’s not at the times I want to. I shouldn’t be upset that he is having ‘guy time.’ He doesn’t need to spend every fucking second with me. Nothing is that big of a deal, but I make it seem like it, because I am a fucking immature child who wants all the attention on herself. Fucked up. IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY! It’s not all about me, and my friend was right. It isn’t and only now do I realize that I have made it out to be all about me. 

It’s like what the fuck is wrong with me? I’m a fucking teenage girl, and an annoying one at that. I need to shut the fuck up and not care about me all the fucking time.

I think I am done with my fucking rant. I’m still sorry about the foul language, I’m a bit pissed off at myself for being so fucking oblivious. Ugh. 

January 1st, 2012

I can’t believe it’s here.

A while ago, I wanted to spend the first day of the year with my boyfriend. A new year, a new… refreshing start. That’s kind of what I was hoping for. To be honest, this wasn’t the best New Years I’ve had. All the ones I have had before were when I was single, so it was normal, except for last year, but I don’t know what I did. I think I just slept. I spent midnight and hours before it with my mother. I took a drink of a fuzzy navel for the New Year, a drink to ending my worst year ever. I took a sip of Tequila with my mother, symbolizing that we were a bit closer. It doesn’t feel like it though… I don’t know what is going to be different this year… I know I miss my boyfriend like crazy, I love him more than I ever knew I could, thanks to a devastating break up that I initiated. Thankfully we are back together, but I don’t know if we are stronger than ever, or so fragile something can easily break it…

What is my New Years Resolution?
*I want to love, care, think, and take into consideration of my boyfriends feelings.
*I want to be closer with my family.
*I want to spend less time dawdling on the computer, and actually do something.
*I want to make and keep friends.
*I want to try and fix broken or hurt friendships.
*I want to write, draw, sing, and do more things that I like to do.
*I want to change how I do things.
There is a lot more too…

I love my boyfriend, so, so much. I don’t really show my feelings or take his into consideration when I do things. It’s hard, really hard for me. When I first started dating him, everything was amazing, I knew that it had to be him. I have never been with someone like him. This was at the beginning, when he came to my house, I had a lot of firsts and he was surprised… And now I am thinking, he must of done that with his past girlfriends… But it’s the past. I don’t know what to do really, things have changed so much. I cheated on him, and it still hurts. I don’t know how to accept it and some of the things I do, hurt him. I don’t know. My mind is just jumping place to place, a part of me is saying that if you hurt him so much then you shouldn’t be with him, and another part is screaming don’t give him up, try and heal him. I don’t know how. I desperately wish I could erase it all, a small part of my wishes that I could erase myself from the world. It’s hard, these conflicting things in my mind. It’s driving me nuts and so badly do I want to cry over it all. But I won’t. I don’t want to cry…

I rambled to long.

School starts on the 3rd, and I need to finish typing December Never Ends, so I will update later.

Happy New Year!