Monthly Archives: December 2011

How these days are spent

These snowless days are spent alone, and bo~oring.

My lover is off having the time of his life, and I am very, very happy for him; but you see… I am sitting in my bedroom, basically wasting away. I sit on the computer watching Netflix, occasionally checking Facebook (Which is highly unpopular), Deviantart, and some other miscellaneous websites that I visit frequently.

Today is time for an update!

I decided that today, with my free time, I am going to write/type or meditate. I want to try it. Maybe it can help with my emotional being.

On my calender of this winter break I have written down when I am busy, which is only New Years Eve. Sadly. I still have yet to be paid from work so, I doubt I can throw a New Years Bash like I wanted, but I still hope to see some friends!

So, today, when I was walking home from the gas station, I came up with some lyrics/poetic lines:
“All these tears,
and all these fears.”
Yeah… Something like that, after a good nights rest and an amazing shower tomorrow, I’ll come up with something.

So tomorrow, depending on the weather, I might go for a walk. I never do that but, I am feeling lazy without my lover boy around. He is off skiing down slopes, I am a little jealous, though I am to scared to do that. I’d rather take a garbage can lid and surf down the hills by my house.

Anyway, after X-mas I had a small, okay medium sized blow out with my mother. I actually stood up to her, and then I cried because I have never done that before. It was scary…

And right now, (TOTALLY OFF TOPIC) my man messaged me that he is having fun, and I am completely jealous!! I need to get over it, don’t you think?  And I feel so weird now. Like I am kind of just stopping being how I was. I used to message him all the time and be so whiny, no I just hold everything it. It’s annoying me. I stopped because my clingy-ness was getting overbearing, and it hurt… so I stopped. It’s strange, and I want to stop but, I have done it a lot lately… Plus, I don’t want to risk my relationship.

I’m just strange, don’t mind it. But, please feel free to leave some relationship advice or whatever. It may come in handy.

So also since winter break and my man having fun has been happening, I have been drinking a ton of water, I feel great. I also sometimes forgot to brush, but what can I say. It’s hard to not forget. Especially with forgetful young me.

Well, I am sitting in a very comfy chair, with my legs crossed, and they are starting to hurt. I have to go now.

Happy Holidays!

Music To Her Ears, Sadness In Her Heart

Sitting up there, alone, yet not alone. As he plays guitar, and plays his heart out. She fights not to cry, the sadness overwhelming her, she says no to that beast in her heart. He plays well, very well. She loves it, very much so, but it’s a bit painful. Why must is sound so sad, has it always sounded so sad? To her ears?

A tear falls down her check but she wipes it away, he continues to play. He plays the song of happiness, freedom. She can feel his joy through the music, yet it always has a sad tone to it. Especially when he sings, especially when he sings. She looks to him, for inspiration, while listening. Looking for something to make her happy. She found it! It’s like he is playing for  her, on the stage he sits on, like he is in front of a crowd. But he only looks at her.

She smiles now, wipes the sadness from her heart and listens. Listens with her heart full of happiness, joy, love. Even though this music has a sad tone to it, she loves it. She listens with her heart, it’s music to her ears, and it’s no longer sadness to her heart, it’s love.

She thinks he is handsome, the light, not so perfectly shining on his features. The light is soft though, soft enough to make him look precious, precious. She wants him and all of his  talents to herself, is that selfish? Yes it is, but she still thinks it. But oh, when he sings. It’s amazing, but, she can’t help but feel envious. An amazing talent, voice, and guts. He can forget about his fear of singing or playing in front of people. She can not. She sings, but she is afraid. Afraid of judgement. It’s all erased though when she sings, she loves singing, but she is afraid sometimes.

That girl, sitting on the balcony, listening to the man she loves, a smile on her face as she realizes he doesn’t play to irritate her, he plays it for himself, but also to make her realize that this is what he wants to do. Of course she’ll get jealous at the fans, but that’s alright, because… He is always looking at her. Just her. No one else. The man she loves is looking at her.

What family gatherings?

My favorite type of family gatherings? I really don't have any. I have been to a couple of family gatherings. My Uncles birthday party, which was pretty fun, despite sitting around and doing little to nothing. I went to my boyfriends' family Thanksgiving, which was alright, despite sitting around eating and sharing stories, which I didn't really participate in. And I remember my 2003 family Thanksgiving. My grandmother, grandfather, mother, father, brother. My two aunts, and uncles, my cousins; Reina, Louis, Erica, and I think Zach was their. This was kind of a family photo, even though Grandma and Grandpa weren't in it. The party/gathering was held in my grandparents apartment meeting room. It was really fun, and I love them so much.

Coming up, this Christmas, I am going to have dinner with my boyfriends' family. I'm not really nervous or anything, I just know I won't be able to really partake in the conversations, and well talk about anything. I feel awkward and kind of envious. My family doesn't get together. My Grandparents and my Uncle Jeff, Aunt Reiko, and their three children live in Idaho, and they have no money to come down, and I doubt they even would. My Uncle Greg, Aunt Darla live in Des Moines and they probably wouldn't come, besides my mother and her brother have some family issues. Then my cousin Zach lives with his real mother down in Mississippi. I'd rather spend time with my grandparents up in Idaho then with my mother and father. They have some deep issues that run far back, and it seems like my mother can't really get over some of them either… It's a bit of a pain.

I never really liked my family gatherings, nor anyone elses' unless I feel like I am included, which rarely happens. And I am TOTALLY NOT saying that I don't like going to other family gatherings, it's just… I feel out of place. I don't mind it though, I get used to it.

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424 to 1,000

Hello!

You know what I want this year, the end of this year, I want a 1,000 views on my blog! I really want that.

You know how you can help? Tell people, share this blog, please! It would be amazing as this is my first blog. It would be really nice too! And awesome X-mas gift. What would also be nice if you read the posts, comment! Tell me what you liked, tell me what you would like to read, just talk to me. It would be wonderful and it would make me feel like I am noticed.

You know on my last post about poetry, that picture. I took it. I take all of my photos that I soon plan to add with my posts, when they are meaningful.

I am going to add pages soon, the pages will be titled of my novels, and if that doesn’t work out I’ll do something else. Haha. Any ideas?

Oh, what are you New Year’s resolutions, tell me about it! I love hearing these things.

~

On another note, I wrote a short story from and acronym. I’ll post it later. Also today I was scratched by my cat charlie, he was mean!

Isn’t he cute! BUT HE IS A DEVIL. Scratching me while trying to run away. It wasn’t nice.

A poem about POETRY – through my eyes

 

 

Poetry,

Rhythmic Rhymes of sound and tunes.
Tickling the tip of your tongue as you sing that lyrical idea you plotted on paper.

Emotional thoughts and feelings of all sorts,
Expressed through
Motion,
Language,
and Sound.

That lyrical,
Rhythmic passion your voice creates,
Echoes in a tight room and the meaning, along with the feeling, bounces off the walls and into the ears’ of listeners.

Words don’t do poetry justice.
Express and free the shackles called lines.
Make your words, your voice, jump and reach to the world of sound.

Show your emotional thoughts through poetry, 
write your words,
speak with your voice,

EXPRESS YOURSELF.

Looking forward to J.1.2012.

My New Year's resolution means a lot to me.

The year of 2011, so much stuff has happened that I am not proud off, so many tears, to many cuts. It was a painful year.

This coming year, 2012, I wish to change.

I want to change how I always just follow, I don't want to follow anymore. I am going to take a leap and get friends, ask questions, make mistakes, but learn from them.

I am going to accept that I hurt people, and that I still probably am hurting people.

I am going to write more, draw more, complain less, and control my anger/irritation.

I am going to give my opinions, join conversations, work harder, control my stress.

I don't know how, but I want to do so much more.

I want to change for the person, I feel, that I love. He is everything to me, and I don't want to let him go again, and I definitely don't want to lose him.

This will be the first serious New Year's I will make.

I don't want to break it…

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What is the most beautiful thing to you?

A beautiful woman, and an average girl. One knows much more than the other, thinks so much more than the other. And that other girl, she thinks of jealousy, and sadness. She doesn’t want any of that knowledge from that other person, that person who is so strong. Compared to the woman, the girl is weak.

That weak girl is me. I want to hate that beauty. I want to hate her, and make her disappear from my life. She is too much, it’s painful to look at her. Her beauty, her smarts. Her skills, so elegant. So painful. I may be better at somethings, but she is better at the things that are important; people skills, friends, happiness. She helps and genuinely cares for others, even me. The person who hates her, but can’t bear themself to admit it. I don’t want to hate her, I want to be her friend, close friend.

I don’t want to hate her. I’m hating her out of jealousy, to be like her. Friends with her. I wonder what that beautiful woman and that gorgeous man talk about? Do they have fun, do they laugh, talk? Do she know more than me? Probably. I want to be like her, but I don’t. I hate myself for being jealous. I want to leave this place. I want to forget it all.

There is two other beauty’s, along with the beautiful woman. There is, obviously, the beautiful woman, then the likable and lovable woman, and the outgoing woman. They are all so much better than me, and I am still jealous. I just want to be friends with them. Close friends, a person who can talk and enjoy themself with them. The beautiful woman has the indifferent man. The likable and lovable woman has the outgoing man. The outgoing woman has the handsome man. I, the weak girl, have the strong and gorgeous man. I love him. So much.

Why? Why am I so jealous of them, the beauties. I want to hate them all. I don’t want to hate them though. I wish I could feel like thier friend. But, I want to leave them all behind. I want to forget. I don’t want to remember.I don’t want to keep digging myself a hole. I feel like, I don’t need them… I ask myself, and them.
“What is the most beautiful thing to you?”

The beautiful woman, “A sunset.”

The likable and lovable woman, “Love, or a sandwich.”

The outgoing woman, “Love.”

The weak girl, “Him.”

I don’t know what wins. I don’t know what loses. It’s hard to explain…

I want to get over this pain, it’s too much to keep down.

I want to be friends, or feel like friends with them. It’s time to try. A new change needs to happen. With me. It’s my time to make my effort.