Monthly Archives: October 2011

My anxious quivers, and the butterflies at the bottom of my stomach.

Oh, those nervous tingles, butterflies in your stomach, goosebumps along your arms. It's a strange feeling, and it can make me a bit nauceous depending on the situation. I get those anxious quivers a lot. I get them everytime I stand up infront of a lot of people, when I have to do something in front of them, like speeches. I hate speeches, I am always afriad people are going to judge and I realized that I am not the only person who thinks like that, it was strange. Haha. I also feel nervous when I first wear something different, I feel self-consious and out of place, but I am learning to get over that.

I get really nervous when I am around the love of my life. He makes me anxoius and nervous and giddy, it's amazing. I am always nervous to do something around him, afraid that he will laugh or mock me, but he won't. That doesn't mean I won't be afraid to do it though. Haha.

That is basically what makes me nervous, oh! Tests and big exams, I don't want to fail on them.

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One Last Dance

One Last Dance is an amazing movie, I just finished watching it on netflix. I love it, everything is so powerful, so strong and beautiful. It wasn’t really all that sad, yet I cried. It was beautiful, I loved it so much.

I don’t really have much to say, but watch it. I’m glad I did. haha.

Sunlight

Sunlight and cold winds,
Fallen leaves and bright blue skies,
Cloudless days arrive.

Animals trotting,
People waiting for winter,
Temperatures drop.

Falling snow soon comes,
Dead trees, disappearing leaves,
Winter comes around.

No more Autumn fun,
No more color, no more sun.
White plasters the Earth.

Very…

I’m very lonely here in my bedroom; with no noise except the sound of the computer tower running, the faint background sound of the telly in the living room, and of course the sound of my fingers hitting the keys as I type these sentences. I feel so alone right now, I know I am not, but I feel like it. My book ended up as a happy yet sad ending, which was very unexpected. The show I just finished ended up sad in a peaceful accomplished way. I feel sad… Lonely.. Scared…

My boyfriend is staying at a friend’s house, and I am a bit jealous, for many reasons. One; he is having fun while I sit here alone like always. Two; there is a girl over there, and I do not think very highly of her. I trust him not to do anything, and I really have no right into think that he would and kind of say “how would you feel if…(insert hypocritical horrid comment here).” It doesn’t really work well and he knows how I feel about it already… I’m being really sad right now, and right at this moment I am texting him and I don’t know whether to let him go have his fun and not be burdened with my sadness or do the exact opposite…

I have been thinking today, have I changed, at all, and I mean really changed… Have I? I am worried that I am going to go back into my same old pattern again, and everything will fall back into place. I know one thing… I’m not jealous of every girl he talks too… I am only jealous of one. A particular one… She happens to be a good friend of ours… When my boyfriend and I broke up previously, he started getting feelings for her, I was very upset with that. Furthermore, when we got back together, I still knew about those feelings that he holds for her. I eventually asked unnecessary questions that I did not want to know the answer too. My mind took a turn for the worse and now, every time I see them talking or touching in any way, or when ever I just see her… I feel uncomfortable and tense. I know he knows I feel like this, and I know that he is with me and not her, and that he loves me… However, I can not help but wonder what will happen in the future. I know she is completely capable of taking him, or just making him hers. He already likes her… She is also so much more beautiful, talented, easy-going, understanding, she is especially not difficult, or pushy, or so jealous. She knows how to accept things, and let go of things. She is emotionally stable. She is everything that I am not… I am jealous of her… I never wanted to be jealous of her… I feel like I don’t want to see her, but I really do… I wish he would never have told me he liked her… I feel like he is now looking at her when I am with him… It makes me want to cry…

Anyway… I finished the book called Numbers by Rachel Ward. ~325 pages in a couple of hours. I say that is good timing. I can read a book a day with as much free time I have. I really liked that book, the ending was unexpected, there was a twist and it was really strange… I cried.. First time crying to a book, I think… I cried then I laughed. There was some great humor. If you really had thought about the book during time intervals of reading it then you could see it coming, but since I basically read the whole book in a day, I never had time to think about what was going to come next. I just kept reading.

I need to find another free reading book now, it’s going to be a bit hard. Well, I don’t know what to do now, I guess I will wait for this man to call, and I will try to be happy, not to bring his day down.

Bye bye.

White Oleander

Oleander (Nerium oleander)

Image via Wikipedia

o-le-an-der n. A poisonous Eurasian evergreen shrub (Nerium oleander) having fragrant, white, rose, or purple flowers and whorled leaves [Med. Lat., prob. alteration of L. lat. lorandrum, alteration of Lat. rhododendron].
     -American Heritage College Dictionary

This book by Janet Fitch was amazing, truly intriguing. I loved it to pieces. I just finished reading it after a long period of time passed halfway through the book. It’s amazing. I love her language, her words created precise pictures. Here are some words, without dictionary definitions. If you would like, feel free to post the definitions. I, sadly, do not have a dictionary and my internet is slow so it is difficult to get the definitions.

  • Gulag
  • Archipelago
  • Creoste
  • Laurel
  • Sumac
  • Dovecote
  • Imperceptible
  • Hemorrhoids
  • Eloquent
  • Braille
  • Vatos
  • Glinty
  • prevalence
  • Cultivate
  • Taffeta
  • Valedictorian
  • Imprecision
  • Ochre
  • Balk
  • Wiry
  • Passe
  • Anverse
  • Semantic
  • Idyll
  • Doppler
  • Archetype
  • Inquiry
  • Imperiousness
  • Penance
  • daguerreotype
  • whorls
  • Embankment
  • Chroma
  • Semaphore
  • Nostalgic
  • Penitence
  • Grotesque
  • Florid
  • Molder
  • Dovecote
  • Martyrdom
  • Dissonant
  • Querulous
  • Galvanizations
  • Pimento
  • Ricocheting
  • Exegesis
  • Reticulated
  • Sinews
  • Laterally
  • Biomorphic

Yeah that is the gist of all the words. Some may not be spelled right. Or to get the actual definition you may need text context.

 

It was different, will it always be like this?

So, yesterday, October 15, I slept at my friend Sam’s house. It was awesome, her dog loves me now, and I am so glad. She used to bark at me all the time and growl and just be, well Onyx (that’s her name). Then after that, we (Chris, her brother, Sam and I) all played Rock Band for Wii, it was fun. I tried out the drums! AWESOME. I played DDR too. For the first time. I got good on the last song I played. Haha. It wasn’t that hard, I really want it now.

Today, I got a ride to a school from Sam’s dad. I went to see my boyfriend, and as I was waiting for him I saw my friend Tommy, and we threw rocks across the busy road. It was awesome. I made it across the entire road like, five times. Then I saw Nick and ‘Sammy”. Nick likes to call his friend Sam that. Then Sam B left and Nick and I walked around, talked. Hung out. Then we had to leave, I had no ride home so I began walking, and there was this creepy guy following me who stopped off the side of the road to just walk a ways behind me… It was scary, so I called my friend Grant and he came and picked me up. ^_^ It was all good. Nick also gave me his jacket. :3 Made me happy.

I feel like things between me and him will be awkward or tense… I don’t know. It’s all different and… I don’t feel comfortable? Something like that, like I’m weary. I’m nervous besides the occasional comfortable feeling that pops up… I don’t know if something is wrong… It may be from him, like a tense atmosphere, but I don’t know… Hm…

Well, I’m gonna go, see ya. PLEASE COMMENT!!!

Not The Best

Today wasn’t the best. It was okay at some parts, but overall, what a downer. It was great that I got to sleep in, and didn’t have to go to school til’ 11:25. That was amazing, my morning (at home) went great. I got to type stuff up and transfer stuff… But then, on my way to school. I felt like I was going to puke. I blame it all on my memories. Just pain… Sadness. It’s depressing really. Things with someone… Emotions running wild, it’s getting close to that time. Icky.

I feel horrible too, I lashed out at so many people, they didn’t deserve it. My friend Kasi, she was messing around and she lightly hit me, but her knuckle to my cheek bone with a little it of force, it kind of stung. I gave her my angry eyes, and I think I would have hit her if I wasn’t thinking. Then we told that story to the table we sat at, which consisted of my friend Matt and Mindy and London; only Matt was joking around about hitting me. I told him to stop “I’m not in the mood” and I told him I would hit him, he didn’t believe me, so I did. I apologized and he said I didn’t mean it, and I did mean it. There is this other guy, London, wow. He really pissed me off. I was so mean too, I feel bad. Ugh. I have to apologize tomorrow. After all that crap, I ran off to my next class, and I felt really bad and sick. I couldn’t eat anything… It made me want to puke. I went to search for my guidance counselor, she was busy. I’ll talk to her tomorrow I guess.

After school, during 8th hour, I slumped around, feeling sick still and upset. I talked with my advisement teacher and I have some things to do. After that I went to the cafeteria, and moped. Where else to do it, no one cares. My friend Lainnah came over and asked me what’s up. I gave her little to nothing. I couldn’t really tell if it was old or new stuff; probably a mix of both. Then Nick came over… I didn’t really understand what we talked about, I heard it, but… I don’t understand why we talked about it… After he left I cried. I went into the bathroom and cried a bit too. I walked to the other side of the cafeteria and cried and almost yelled at this guy named Cub, cause he was talking to me. He said “You look lonely, and I talk to lonely people to make them feel less lonely” He was dead on. I was lonely. Still am, feels like I always will be. I don’t know.

Who do I talk to now…? Who can support me? Or at least help… I don’t know what I should do. I want someone to help me, but no one is standing by to help.

Other than that, I watched The Last Song, I love it. Again. Cried, felt a lot better. I’m losing my tears over my problems.

Well, I’m going to go play piano, I like it and it helps. Bye Bye.

I will always love you.

Such a long one, wow. I kinda got off track, sorry!

I feel like I have been in love a lot, but I realized that it has only been once. A strong love that will never go away. It all started around last year, the day I met this guy, who seemed pretty feminine, but really… He was. That is part of the reason I started to like him. Every guy that I have dated before him never lasted, it always seemed like I loved them, but then I thought… What if this happened? Would I be sad? Yes. Would I move on? Yes, easily. So I figured I wasn't in love. BUT, this guy. This guy… I fell in love with. We shared so many things, basically my everything, his everything. We were eachothers first and I feel like he would of been my last. I love him, I still do, even though we are not together. I didn't think through what I was doing, we were going through a rough patch and all my emotions were far behind me. I broke up with him, and I was fine for a couple of days, but slowly… Slowly my pain and broken heart clicked. I broke his heart, and my own. I realized, this is the one. The one and only guy that I love. I realized that I don't feel any attraction towards any one other than him, I can not see myself with anyone but him. I may have ruined our future dreams together because of my childish foolishness. I was honesly stupid for throwing everything away and trying to run from it all. I realized that I was in LOVE with him, and I believe that I will not be in love with anyone for a while. I wish him and I could get back together, but it would never be the same. He would never be the same, for me and my childish mind, I think I would just put everything in the past, but he wouldn't be able to do that… It hurts me thinking how much we have changed… It's sad, and lonely, but I am trying to move forward… I wish it could go faster, I don't like this dragging on.

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