November already!? That means it is time for NaNoWriMo. I am going to attempt it. Somehow, I just decided it today. I have ideas and so many plans that I think it just might work.

I’m not 100% confident but it will be something I accomplish in this month. I will keep you guys posted with thoughts and ideas or stresses on writing. For now, I am watching Furious 7 and looking over paperwork.


I feel like pacing back and forth throughout my room, but no matter how much I pace or for how long, the thoughts won’t solve themselves. My problems won’t go away. My stress won’t settle down. I’m honestly really overwhelmed and I am feeling very lost in a lot of things. I don’t what I want to do… with all these decisions I have to make. I keep wondering why I have to go through this, or why I can’t build a bridge and get over it. I already knew this, but everything is not easy. Nothing is easy and it takes a lot of hard work to make yourself happy and comfortable with yourself and I am not even there yet. I am not even close and I don’t know how to get there. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it is a money problem or if it is a boyfriend issue or if it is a me thing. I just know, that I am tired. I am really tired of being a woman with all these emotions. I want to not care about a shit ton of things, but no matter how much I try to not care or ignore, I feel so sick. My feelings sink down into the pit of my stomach and it feels like I want to throw up my emotions. I ask non stop, what is wrong with me? I know there is nothing. I know I am a normal human being but I am unique. I don’t know what to do. My mind is pacing back and forth and It won’t stop. Is it the holidays? I don’t like them very much. I’m not close to my family at all. I am not, and I wish I was. I really wish I was. I wish I could say that my family and I are awesome people who welcome everyone and play card games and take it easy. I don’t recall growing up like that. You know the worst part is looking at other families around this time of year and seeing what I never had and I wish I did, and when I get presented with the opportunity to almost recreate that with other people’s families, I get scared. I feel out of place, and awkward. Its hard to be around families who have a lot of love for each other or share it and show it. I’m not used to it. Holiday’s are stressful for me. I’d like to see my grandparents for the holidays. Honestly they are more like family to me than anyone else. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I’m tired. I am working two jobs. I only hang out and relax on Monday and Tuesdays. I don’t hang out with other people. I need to. I don’t want half hearted friends. I want real friends that will stick with me. People I don’t work with. People who weren’t in high school with me. I don’t know how to get there. This is so hard. I am almost 21 and why am I stressing over all of this crap. I am not satisfied with my living standards or friend standards or in fact almost everything. I am feeling like I am unsatisfied with myself. I know I will be okay. I will be fine. I know this.


Okay, time for some crappy personal stuff. My dad got fired from his job, most likely his fault, can’t really trust what he says. That means, no insurance for me! Yippie. That means, I need to find a higher paying job so I can get some benefits on my back.

Lets be honest here, Teavana is an amazing job, I’ve met so many people that have learned to love the art of tea and that have fallen in love with certain things that I talk about. It is pretty amazing to be sharing all this information that I learned and to be a part of a growing franchise that is connected to Starbucks. That company is pretty awesome and I wish that I can stay working there. But, I need more money. I need to get my car, credit card, and medical bill payed off. I need to get myself some health insurance and car insurance now since my dad can’t afford it. I need to get more money. I need to work my ass off so I can be okay. I’m not happy about that. Right now, I’m not happy with just working at Teavana. I have Mondays and Tuesdays off with my boyfriend, that is my favorite part. But I can’t wait forever to hear back from Teavana to see if I am going to get a higher paying position. I can’t afford it. I also need to save at least 1,500 by next year. I want to save even more, so I need more money. I need to. I want to.

I’m looking at jobs, I am being slightly picky, even though I shouldn’t be. I’ve applied at 3 places. 2 places as a server, and another at a sub shop kind of like Palmer’s. I need to get my application out there at anywhere. I want to find a bakery to work at, because I love baking.

It’s Thursday right now, it’s my day off. I’m going to relax a bit and apply to a lot of places. I just wanted to throw an update out there.

A Letter to the 15 Year Old Me

You are still young and you have many years ahead of you but I don’t want you to think that he could be your last stop, that this could be the end of your ‘love/like’ feeling. My suggestion to you is to keep your mind open, fall madly in love but its okay to be hurt, fix yourself up and learn from any mistakes, be yourself and don’t change yourself for anyone, Its okay to be alone as well. Find someone who will tell you what he wants and be real with you. My first boyfriend was an amazing person and I only really remember so many good things about him and some bad things but we both had a lot going on for us, we split and it was terrifying and horrible, but I was able to move forward I met another who did break my heart again but not like the first. I felt devastated and alone, like I had nothing anymore and that was it. However, if you hold on for a bit longer you will meet someone amazing just like when I met him… He is real, he is transparent(sometimes), but he listens and he helps me want to better myself. He is amazing and we don’t have everything in common, in fact we are almost complete opposites but we love each other for the passion that each of us have in the things we love and do. Let me tell you, I love that about him. His passion for his favorite things makes me love him. He makes me relaxed. He is so smart about everything and I love hearing him talk. So take your time, go one day at a time and dont fret on the future. You will find someone who is smart, who wants to tell you so many things more than just how beautiful you are. You will find someone who wants to listen to you talk, who can have a conversation about more than just life itself. He will talk about the world and the starts and the sky and his amazing stories that you will get jealous of, but he wants to do it with you too. Trust me. Don’t worry, I know you probably already know these things because you are smart, and you are pretty mature for your age and you deserve better than the people who lead you on. You know what you want and It’s okay to take your time in things. The right guy will want to take his time with you too. Live life for now and find what makes you passionate because you can find someone who loves the look in your eyes when you talk about it, and when that guy comes along.. He is the one and you will have a feeling he is.

Time will heal wounds but it is up to you to accept yourself and love yourself. Take time in everything, go all in and all out, fall down and get up because that isn’t the end of the world. Many people will come and go in your life but everything will be just find because you will find yourself and you will survive so many things. You will have the music that makes you get lost in the world, you will find the books that teleport you to another life, you will find the movies that make you want to strive for living, you will discover so many amazing qualities that you never thought you had. You will experience a lot of good and bad things but that will not be the end of it because your life is always just beginning, every day. Start it with a smile and positive mind because you should know that you can do anything that you really want to. You just have to do it.


Summers almost over, here’s what I’ve been up to!

I’ve been working at Teavana since March, and I absolutely love it. I’ve been getting into tea so much, that I am almost addicted to it! I need to get a Breville because I am lazy, but I also want a cast iron tea pot because that is the only way I’ll drink traditional tea. I quit my other job at stuff, which put a hindrance on my money situation but that’s alright-I spend it all anyway. I finish reading Looking For Alaska, it took me a total of four days. That’s a tiny bit of information there.

Now, I did move from my old place, with my boyfriend. We live with his dad, and I can say that it is very nice! It is so clean and fresh, smells neutral which is great. Smoke free which is awesome. Jimmy(my boyfriend) and I are just trying to get things figured out and then hopefully save money to move to Washington with my grandparents. Right now he is making me a Quesadilla, I can’t wait. Living here has provided me with time to feel relaxed and focused. I can feel like I can actually accomplish the things I want. Reading, writing, drawing, etc. I’m happy, kind of stress free, but still really happy. Jimmy enjoys his new job, and I hope that I get my team lead position for Teavana so I can have more experience and get more pay!

I’ve been reading Mindfulness yoga by Frank Jude Boccio, I want to really enhance my innerself and outerself. I want to better myself overall so hopefully that will help. I have to work in like 30 minutes, so I will get back to you later!

Tuesday Morning

I woke up naturally this morning, a couple minutes before my alarm, which is at 6:30 AM. It’s very strange because I went to bed late last night, yet I woke up decently this morning, brushed my teeth and did some yoga, as well as cleaning up from last night. I feel quite good, and I think tonight I am going to do more cleaning and straightening with my closet.

A few things set me back on my savings list but so far the idea is good. I’ve got good news, my boyfriend and I are living together and attempting to get a place together. He needs to pay off stuff but, we are trying. I’m excited, I really want to move out. I just need to buckle down with saving and stuff. Well, it’s almost time for work, I will be back online later!


Hello all, it has been quite a while since I have wrote anything worth saying. I haven’t had much inspiration lately, but I am feeling pretty decent right now. A lot has happened since I turned 20 this past Tuesday, I am still trying to take it all in, but for now I will start somewhere in the beginning.

I’d like the mention the me in the past, say high school… or even just a year ago, would have never expected to see myself where I am now, or go through what I have gone through. Last year April, I spent my tax return on a plane ticket to see my friend Sawyer for the first time. It was one of the best times in my life so far and I will never forget all the fun I had, people I finally met and got to meet, as well as the scenery that I had a chance to see. Sawyer has been my online friend for quite a while and I was super stoked that I actually got to meet him and it turned out great! When I got back home, I was still working at Palmers, didn’t see myself leaving or anything of the sort. I didn’t expect to get kicked out of my house in June and live with a good friend Sam, and then I definitely didn’t see myself getting kicked out of her place, but back then, I didn’t really understand money situations. Last year, I also got introduced into the rave scene. I am not a druggie or anything of the sort. Yes the rave scene is associated with those habits, but all the people that I have met through that scene are amazing people and they have shaped and added on to many of my beliefs today. I have learned a lot from those people that I met and still meet. Later on that year, I went to a music festival called Bushwak and thats when I really felt at home with all those people that I’ve met. I met people from all over Iowa and some even out of state. I hung out with everyone, laughed with everyone and danced and played games with everyone. Slip n Slides, climbing trees, hula hoops, fire dancing, gloving, poi lights, campfires, rainstorms, camping, hammocks, and all that jazz with a lot of people. Everyone was my friend there, it was wonderful and I’ve never experienced such joy after high school. During that time, I moved back in with my dad because I didn’t want to live with my mom again (after she kicked me out the first time). I also spent more money on a plane ticket to see my grandparents in Idaho for almost two weeks. It was absolutely the best time I’ve had as well. I missed them so much and I loved seeing how much my family members have grown. I love getting to know my cousins a bit more and meeting new people. It was a short trip but I enjoyed every minute of it. I experienced a lot of new things and took a lot of amazing photographs out there. When I got back I was a little sad though. Work was just the same but i talked non stop about my trip. I lived about 10 minutes away from work and then one day, I got really fed up with working there, all the stress and sickness I felt from being pushed so hard and stressed on made me unhappy to work there, so I quit. The next few days I got a job at Stuff Etc. Another Iowa only store. Amazing how I do that. It is my first time working in retail and I love it so far. I’ve been there since september. Around that time, I met my current boyfriend. I knew him in high school, we were kinda friends. He was and still is a very strange kid. We got along, I gave him my number because I wanted to get to know him again because we both changed a lot. We hung out and then one night I pretty much asked him to ask me out and so we started dating. It took a bit to understand each other and figure things out, but we got there or here I should say. It took me a while to realize that I can’t manipulate him to give me what I think I need out of everything. Sure I want things, but that is because I’ve grown up reading all these things that make relationships more than relationships. I’ve come to realize that relationships are not always about seeing each other non stop, or talking non stop, or receiving and giving gifts all the time. Every relationship is different and I have come to know that my relationship is different. It is a whole new level from when I dated before, and I at first was not okay about all that jazz that didn’t happen, but as time went, I realized that I want to be with him and therefore he is a gift in itself. I don’t need all sorts of presents from him, I just want him.  Besides the less money he spends on me, the better for what he needs to pay off. Right?

So far so good. The new year is right around the corner, and I had a great time with his family and I am sure he had equal amount with mine. Nothing quite so amazing happened in January or February. But in March, I decided to get a second job to take up my free time at home because I do nothing anyway, so why not get a second job. I started working at Teavana, and it is my first job in sales, and so far so awesome, haha. My boss says I am doing a great job and she’s working with me and teaching me a lot of things. I love it and I learned to love tea more than ever. I had my 20th birthday on the 21st of April and that was when things started moving faster. My boyfriend moved in, and so far so good-again. I really enjoy seeing his face every day and knowing that I will see him soon makes me happy. I like coming home and seeing his stuff slowly get comfortable in my room. Sadly it isn’t as big as his, but it’s alright. We are planning on building a loft bed to make more room. We already sound proofed a wall. We got a few summer projects to do. And here I am today. Writing this and soon to be straightening up the room. I am going to make a list of Summer to do things. Next week is a big week for me though.

I work at Stuff Tuesday through Friday, 8:30 am to 4 pm. Then on Saturday I work 2 pm to 8:30 pm. At Teavana, I work Tuesday though Thursday, 5 pm to 9:30 pm. Friday night I have off, then Saturday I work 10 am to 1 pm. Sunday I work 1 pm to 7 pm or 3 pm to 7 pm. It’s going to be a rewarding and exhausting week and I don’t know If it will stay that busy.

Thankfully Mondays are off for me. So I get to relax a bit, and its a good thing that the two places have two different atmospheres or else I wouldn’t be able to do it, I think.

Well, I spills whats been happening recently and now I have to work bit here then, actually go to work. I will keep you all updated again. I just need to get out of the rut with my writing, and I will once things get semi organized around here. It is still a little hectic.

Monday Funday…

It has been such a long time since I have written anything on here. I’ve been emailing back and forth with my friend in Idaho, so I have still been writing. I sorta gave up on writing everyday, but I think a lot more than I used to. Life is kinda of iffy lately. My brother moved in with his fiancee which and not really okay with that. I don’t really like that there are a shit ton of people here again. I moved out of here in the first place because of that and now its here again. I don’t really like it. I want to get my own place, apartment but I can’t afford it, even with two jobs. Its stupid. I am even looking for a third one. I want to get money, save, pay off bills and be well. I feel held back by it all, and strained. Its nice out pretty much each day, and I am going to be twenty soon. This all sucks.

I wanted my post back here to be positive, but its pretty hard to be positive lately. I often find myself staring into the internets abyss and wonder what I am doing with my life and where am I going to end up. I need to focus on the moment, not the future. I need to start making lists of priorities and doing things that actually mean something, but I need to be happy with it. I love both of my jobs, they both make me happy. One I get stressed at because I get so tired easily and the other feels like it comes so naturally. I need to actually practice what I preach to others-meditation. I get lazy in the morning though. I am going to get back into Yoga for the 4th time, I am going to try hard in my meditation and I am going to write a little bit someday’s. Its just really stressful right now. This sucks, this sucks, this sucks.. this sucks.

OKAY! I’m going to stop being negative right now! You guys are going to witness my change in things. I’ve been feeling negative since Saturday and It is even hurting my part in a relationship. I feel like he doesn’t notice but I do. Any way. Today, I am going to clean like no other. I am going to throw away, sell and do whatever as well. I am going to look for my cat at the two shelters that have pictures of him. I am going to pay my dad money that I owe him and I am going to be happy! I WILL BE HAPPY. I am going to write my story later too. December Never Ends. I am going to work on that remake. I want to. I want to work hard. I want to accomplish things today and go to bed and say, I got stuff done! I want to tell Jimmy that I did so many things and that I feel great. I want to and I will.

Thanks for reading my weird rant that I always have when I don’t post for a while. Its wonderful isn’t it? I am human. I am in a writing block and I am negative and depressing but I am going to change it! You people are awesome, and remember that things are going to change, for a reason. I promise. I don’t know what that reason is, but it will be okay.

Summer lovin’

It’s been such a long time since I felt the warmth of summer on my skin. It feels amazing. I am spending the day with my love, I woke up next to him, he left for work and I left my bedroom to go to the bathroom. I come back in my room and he is sitting there. He had the morning off. He works at 5 or so. I’m excited. We went and ate, then went on a bike ride and were cleaning his truck. I’m having a lot of fun, and I’m feeling a bit exhausted. This guy, is awesome. He is so amazing and he let’s me know how amazing I am and how much he loves me. This is all so new and I feel so happy and loved and I feel great. I’m enjoying every second spent with him. Even right now. He’s vacuuming his interior and I am writing this, I’m enjoying myself.
I love both of my jobs, and the weather is looking up. The downfall is my cat is missing still. 3 weeks now. And my dad is in the hospital. He had a heart attack and pneumonia. He had 90 percent blockage on his right side and he is in the care unit. He got a stint in too. It hasn’t hit me yet. The emotions, and that’s okay.
I think I block my emotions because if I show them, I think that I feel weak. I’m not fond of that. I don’t want to seem weak. Even though I am, I want to be strong. I want to be support.
Well, I’m going to enjoy the rest of my time with him. I’ll write later!

March Already!?

I can’t believe that it’s already March! Time is flying by so fast and I can’t seem to remember it. I haven’t even been writing everyday because I’ve had no will to write. I started my new job yesterday and I have to say that I am very excited. I want to learn everything about it and become an expert. That’s one of my favorite things to do.

My cat is missing. I presume that he is dead because its cold outside and I doubt he would be able to survive there for 2 plus days. It makes me feel very sad. I want to adopt a kitten, but I can’t find any either, and I want to go to a shelter!

I don’t know what else to write too. I cleaned my room massively? I got a new mattress. I got a new tattoo. It’s a metatron cube. My car should be getting fixed this coming up weekend. Hopefully. Spring and summer is right around the corner! My birthday is in less than 2 month. The big 20.

Sadly, that’s all I have to say right now. I am not motivated to really write. I will definitely write when I get the urge and the ideas.