The World

I don’t know what to do lately. I am lost in my own mind and can’t think straight, I feel like I am on the wrong path some days. I don’t know what I am doing or who I want to become. I know what I love to do, but I don’t have the self confidence to think I can do better.

Some days I feel amazing about who I am and who I am becoming, I feel strong willed and even beautiful. I feel amazing, and I love myself, but then it draws back and I feel empty again.

I know I need to keep my mind in the right place, the optimistic place, but it’s hard. I try, but I just don’t have the energy to do it. I feel out of place a lot. My work didn’t help, which is why I quit, and am now looking for a new job. But there is only so much I can do, and I feel like I don’t have freedom anymore. I feel unorganized and like I said, out of place here. I feel the need to be surrounded by friends, and amazing people. I feel the need to get distracted from my mind, or else I will lose myself inside the demons that sometimes take control.

I have my hobbies, but I feel like I can’t focus on them, I’m too unorganized and incomplete to even dream about doing any of it. I have my distractions of my animals, but sometimes they want nothing to do with me. I run out of things to do on the internet. I don’t have a proper desk to do somethings that I want. Like write or draw and attempt and teaching myself things.

I feel… incomplete and unsatisfied.

I keep telling myself that things will get better and everyone has experienced this, but its hard to picture things to make me feel better. I am unhappy. But I am trying to get happier, and this is the reason why I am not very active with this lately.

I will update more, I promise.

Three Year Anniversary and Boa Constrictors

Today is apparently my three-year anniversary with WordPress, hooray! I’ve never really committed to something this long, besides work-which in November, will be my three-year.

Today also happened to be my pay-day, and also the day that I am broke because I like to spend money on things. Don’t get me wrong, I spent money on things that I needed, like underwear and things for my animals, however, I did lend money to my mother and also my father and I also… kinda… sorta… bought a snake.

A new one!? Yes, yes, yes… I know what you’re thinking. Why did I buy a snake? Well, because I miss and regret getting rid of Emlen, and I went back to the place to see if he is still there, and he wasn’t, so I bought another one because I love them, and they are amazingly fascinating creatures… Also, I went through the trouble to get my aquarium and most accessories for it, so I bought a snake with most of my money. I haven’t gotten a name for it yet, but I am thinking of one! I have to feed it next Saturday since I just moved it.

It is a tiny one, and it is a Red Tailed-Boa. Beautiful!!!

Festival Number One!

It’s Wednesday and I am totally ready for it to be Friday! Then again, who doesn’t wish it to be Friday, like always. I have a big weekend coming up! It is my first 3 day Festival of Music and Art. I’ll be camping with my friend Jen and we will be dancing the night away. I’m super excited and nervous, since I’ve never been to one. I’m really excited, I’ve already met so many amazing people at Sub Sonic and here I am going to meet so many more friends. It’s Labor day festival weekend and I have Friday off and Monday off. HOLIDAYS!

I’m super excited, super excited.

On other news, this person that I hung out with last Saturday hasn’t replied to my texts, so I am getting paranoid that they don’t want anything to do with me. This would be the third time this happened. I’m getting upset about it, but I know either way I will be alright. It will just take a while this time. I never know what to do, I really want to hang out with them again, and get to know them more, but I don’t want to keep texting and just saying ‘Hey’ and waiting for a reply. I really thought that this person wasn’t like that, and I am trying my hardest to be optimistic about it, but I am just such a pessimist person that is becomes a hassle. I can’t help thinking negative things, but I am trying and Sub Sonic and this music festival has been helping. I’ve been opening my horizons and becoming happier. It’s a day in paradise.

It’s just hard to focus on positive things when I feel like life will just keep repeating all the things that make me feel the worst. Any advice on this topic?

Bedroom Style

I finally have the ability to drive to wal-mart and buy things without the help of others. I feel more like an adult now-out in the real world. I bought a couple things for my still unclean bedroom. I got a temporary closet, a laundry basket, a book shelf and a bed frame. All of which is useful and makes me room feel like home. 

I hung out with one of my friends/acquaintances from middle/highschool today too. I saw him at my work and gave him my number, I figured why not. Haha, and we hung out today. Last minute decisions to go swimming at the beach and then walk along the shore. I found a lot of shells, and if I knew I would of been doing that, I might have brought some other crap to help with shells, like a jar or something. Instead, I took pictures. After the sunshine, we ate at a China Buffet and then I showed him some youtube videos that sum up what I do with my free time. Gassy MexicanSeaNanners, MarkiplierPewds and many more. These are my top four though.

It took me a while to actually clean my room. I have a lot of books! So many. I also have a lot of laundry to do. And, of course, one last tid-bit, I don’t work on Monday!

So Much To Do

Hello everyone, it’s been a while! A lot has been going on and a lot has yet to be done! I got back from my trip in Idaho on the 5th of August, and let me tell you guys a secret… That place is fantastic. I was in Northern Idaho visiting my grandparents near Coeur d’Alene. I got to visit with my three adorable cousins, and my aunt and uncle as well as my amazing grandparents. I also got to meet a handful of other cool people. I hope that I can move there in the next year or so. Iowa is getting worn out, especially since I didn’t have a car or a license.

Speaking of that, I got one on the 6th and I’ve been driving since! I like it a lot, it makes me feel more free and powerful with all my aspirations! I am now working on getting a car of my own, either my dad will get it or I will get a loan and go to a dealership. I need to get my own car, and then insurance. I of course have to plan  out my money-saving tactics as well. It’s going to be tough I guess, but I like a challenge, when it comes to myself.

I have a lot going on, besides being extremely lazy. I have a lot of photographs to edit and upload from my trip. I finish my friends photo shoot and I have yet to choose the best and upload those to my Facebook page. I have to work on my grandpa’s logo design for his company and some other things for it too. I, like I said, have to get the photographs from Idaho sorted out. I bought two classes for photographing and editing on groupon, and I they each are three-hour long classes, so I have to get those over with. I need to call the place and I guess set up and appointment or something, then I need to actually go and learn.

On Thursday, I went to the Iowa State Fair and attended the Farewell to Summer Dance Party by myself. I need to learn how to introduce myself to people and be more out there. People individually interest me, but as a group, I feel threatened. I need to remember that most places like these, the people are either drunk so they don’t care or they aren’t paying attention to you. I need to remember that. I ended up sitting around for an hour until I finally got off of my ass and danced. I met some people in the process but I didn’t get their names. It was a blast and I only got in one photo.

This Friday is Sub Sonic’s first Stoplight party. Single’s wear green(Thats me!), It’s complicated wear yellow, and Your taken, it’s the color red. There aren’t a lot of attractive clothing for green, I noticed. I am thinking about buying some green leg wraps on Amazon, but I’m not sure yet. I have my outfit planned, and I can’t wait.

Since I can drive, I can go to a lot of different places now and that is what I am excited about, life is started to look up since I am in control.

Inspire Everyone

I’ve been nominated for the Very Inspiring Blogger award by Cyndelbee <- That is the post of her Very Inspiring Blogger award. I saw this comment pop up in my notifications a while ago, but I haven’t had time and I apologize. 

Thank you for nominating me, I feel very happy and excited that I read ‘very inspiring’ since that is what I try to do.

Here is the beautiful photograph!

Rules:

1. Thank and list the blogger who nominated you.
2. List the rules and display the award.
3. Share seven facts about yourself.
4. Nominate 15 other amazing blogs and comment on their posts to let them know they have been nominated.
5. Proudly display the award logo on your blog and follow the blogger who nominated you.

~

As rule number 3 states, I must share seven facts about myself.

1. I love improving myself, learning and finding things that can improve myself as a person, friend, and a lover (to anyone who choose’s me)

2. I will gladly spend more than 100 dollars on something that I have a strong desire for, even if it isn’t useful.

3. I have a strong desire to travel the world, by myself, even though I am slightly afraid to be alone.

4. I am becoming addicted to photography, and I feel like it is part of my calling in life.

5. I rarely get sick, but for some reason, I had Strep.

6. I love tattoo’s and I feel more like the person I want to be when I get tattoos.

7. I find it 100% easier to write down my thoughts and express myself better with words, and it amaze’s me that I can do that.

 

Okay, so now that I have shared some facts that no one knows, I have to nominate 15 bloggers but I feel only fair if I can nominate bloggers that make my knowledge expand. 

1.Cylithria

2. Live to Write – Write to Live

3. Irevuo

Idaho

I’m currently in Idaho, on m grandfathers laptop. He is in the kitchen making my grandmother a salad and my cousin is talking with her at the moment. I have a long week ahead of me and I hope to have a lot going on. I can probably do photoshoots of my cousins, who happen to be beautiful. 

I plan on taking a lot of photographs of the wilderness up here, it’s amazing already. Life seems to be good and clear up here, but that is probably because I am not going to be working, and I haven’t been here for a long time. I am going to make the best of the 11 days I have to spend here, and maybe someday I will move here. 

Airport

I am at the airport right now. Waiting for my 5:15 PM flight to Minneapolis, then I’m flying to Spokane. I’m going to see my grandparents for almost 2 weeks. I’m pretty excited. My friend who is in basic training is able to receive letters. I have yet to send him a letter, so I am going to send him one while I’m there. I feel a little guilty. I miss him.
I went to the Omaha zoo today, what I have seen today, it wasn’t very impressive. Some places were, but the animals were feeling bad because it was so hot and humid and that made my mood deplete. I do have to say that there were cool places and some places were under reconstruction. I will have to go again of course and actually get around the whole zoo and not idly waste time before my flight. I haven’t done much lately but I’m pretty excited for the 11 days I have planned in Idaho!

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday…

The days blend together like coffee and creamer. They seem to create one long line of my lifespan in which nothing new happens. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Monday though Friday, the same old routine. Wake up later than I should, get to work, work, get off of work and come home. On occasion, I will have a photo shoot to attend to, its rare though. Life has been a mess lately, I feel left out of a lot of things because of my own choices that are the correct ones, I know for a fact. Even though it makes me upset, somewhere in my mind, I don’t care at all.

I’ve learned that I am over-excitable when I am meshed with photography. I get geeky and weird when I notice that I take an amazing photo or that an unexpected photo turns out to be awesome! I get too excited for my own good and I feel like I scare people away. I also adore writing more and more, this post at the moment is written after I wrote another one since WordPress updated and doesn’t automatically save. I lost my words and decided to put it to rest for a day. I was going to write an apology for not being as active, I have been underwater for a while. I discovered that my love of writing/typing exceeded my expectations when I started writing this post. My train of thought blew up when I noticed the blank spaces and I just grabbed onto the fleeting inspiration and started to type about it. This probably doesn’t make very much sense.

I just want to say, that today is a very beautiful day, even though inside of my mind and heart a rain storm was taking place, my physical body was in bliss with the warm sunshine and the gentle breeze in the warm air. The day went by rather slowly and I began to hate myself more and more every few moments. I had a conversation with myself about what I didn’t like, it was more of an argument than a conversation. She would say something that would provoke me to yell inwardly towards her. It was sort of ridiculous, but that is how I try to get myself out of a stump.

I fell over a stump a few days ago and I’ve sunk under the fallen leaves of my happiness. Its been this way for a couple days, how covered I am. I need to focus on things that I love, when I am writing, I feel happy and at bliss. I can properly convey my feelings and thoughts, even though they still get jumbled up. I can’t properly talk, and all I do it spit out words. I am not allowed to think when I speak, I can’t remember exactly what I say, which is why writing is perfect for me. I can remember easier and it makes me feel like I am worth something more and that is a happy feeling. Its just like photography, I am doing something that I love, and it makes me feel like I am someone and that I exist.

I am currently writing many stories all at once, I am figuring out chapter seven of B.O.Y. since I am writing it as I go. It’s hard, I am already at a stump, I don’t want to put too little action and leave it boring, but I also don’t want to shorten the length of this story. I still don’t know where this is going to end up, but I have a shoujo idea in my head. I have too many ideas to comprehend and I need to write them all down before they fade away.

So I went to Wisconsin for the fourth of July weekend, and absolutely loved it. I adored returning home and experiencing the differences in then and now. I was reunited with my childhood friend, Emi. And that was like a scene from a book. In less than two weeks, I am going to Idaho again, to see my grandparents, and I am super excited! I can’t wait to see Idaho and where they live. I feel like going to these two places are going to be my deciding factors of where I am going to be living. I want to move out of Iowa and get a bigger picture. The inspiration is draining here and I feel like I have been here for too long. I am an adult now, and I want to fulfill my dream of experiencing the world. It is going to take a while but I am willing to try.

I have a lot of amazing pictures of my Wisconsin trip, check them out here!

It’s you

Your imperfections don’t matter to me, because I love you… for you.
That crooked smile? It’s quite charming.
Your laugh, which makes you throw your head back, its cute.
The way you talk with your hands, and throw them around in strange gestures, to me it is enthusiastic and adorable.
When you avoid eye contact when saying your feelings, it makes my heart warm and I love that.
The wrinkles at your eyes, when you smile, makes me want to caress your cheeks and meet your lips.
Your imperfections are more than one, and that’s beautiful to me.
You are beautiful to me, and I love you.
I love you for you, and your perfect imperfections make you… you.